What to Do When Your Child Is Embarrassed by You: What the Research Says

Most parents expect to embarrass their
children occasionally — particularly
in adolescence. What catches many
parents off guard is the intensity
of their child’s embarrassment, the
frequency with which it occurs, and
the genuine hurt it produces. Understanding
what drives children’s embarrassment
by parents — and what the research
shows about responding effectively —
helps parents navigate this common
and genuinely challenging dynamic.

Why Children Get Embarrassed by Parents

Research on adolescent development
and parent-child relationships identifies
several specific reasons why children —
particularly adolescents — are embarrassed
by their parents:

Identity differentiation. Research
by Erik Erikson and James Marcia
on adolescent identity development
finds that adolescence involves
active differentiation from parents —
the process of establishing
a separate identity. Part of
this process involves distancing
from parents in social contexts —
and parental behavior that
highlights the connection can
feel threatening to the emerging
independent identity.

Heightened self-consciousness.
Research on adolescent brain
development — including work
by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore —
finds that adolescents show
significantly heightened self-consciousness
and sensitivity to social evaluation.
In this context, anything that
draws attention — including
parental behavior — is experienced
as more threatening than it
would be at other developmental stages.

Peer evaluation sensitivity.
Research on peer relationships
in adolescence finds that peer
approval becomes significantly
more important during this period —
and that anything perceived
as threatening peer approval
produces significant distress.
Parents whose behavior differs
from peer parents — or who
behave in ways the child fears
peers will judge negatively —
produce genuine embarrassment.

Normal developmental process.
Research on parent-child relationships
across development finds that
mild embarrassment by parents
is a normal and expected feature
of adolescent development —
part of the identity differentiation
process rather than evidence
of a damaged relationship.

What the Research Says About
How to Respond

Stay regulated and non-defensive.
Research on parental response
to adolescent embarrassment
and relationship quality finds
that parents who respond to
being embarrassed their child
with hurt, anger, or defensiveness
significantly damage the relationship —
while those who respond with
calm perspective maintain connection more effectively.

The most effective internal response:
“This is developmentally normal.”
“This is not about my worth
as a parent.”
“This will pass as they mature.”

Don’t take it personally —
but don’t ignore it either.
Research on parent-child communication
and adolescent embarrassment
finds that the most effective
approach neither dismisses
the child’s embarrassment nor
makes it a significant relational issue:

Acknowledge calmly: “I can
see that felt embarrassing for you.”
Set a gentle limit on disrespect:
“I understand — and speaking
to me rudely isn’t okay.”
Move on — without dwelling.

Have a calm conversation at
a neutral time. Research on
parent-adolescent communication
finds that brief, calm, curious
conversations — at neutral times,
not in the heat of the embarrassing moment —
produce the most genuine understanding:

“I’ve noticed you sometimes
feel embarrassed when I’m
around your friends. I’m curious —
is there anything specific
that bothers you?”

Genuine listening — without
defensiveness — communicates
respect for the child’s experience.

Consider genuine feedback.
Research on adolescent development
and parental adaptation finds
that some parental behaviors
that embarrass adolescents are
genuinely worth reflecting on —
overly public displays of affection,
specific behaviors in front
of peers. Others are simply
part of being a parent. Distinguishing
between the two — and being
genuinely willing to adjust
where reasonable — maintains
the relationship more effectively
than rigidity.

Maintain the relationship warmth.
Research on parent-adolescent
relationships and long-term
outcomes finds that maintaining
genuine warmth and connection —
even through the embarrassment
phase — significantly predicts
relationship quality in adulthood.
The embarrassment phase is temporary.
The relationship is long.

When It Goes Beyond Normal

Research distinguishes normal
adolescent embarrassment by parents
from patterns that warrant more attention:

Normal: Mild to moderate embarrassment
in specific social contexts.
Preference for parental distance
in front of peers. Some eye-rolling
and sighing.

More concerning: Consistent
contempt or cruelty toward
parents. Complete withdrawal
from the relationship. Expressions
of genuine hatred or disgust.
Significant worsening rather
than a stable pattern.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Developmental Reframe
What it is: A deliberate internal
reframe of parental embarrassment —
replacing hurt with accurate
developmental understanding.

How to do it: This week when
your child is embarrassed by
you — practice the internal reframe:

“This is developmentally normal —
not a judgment of my worth.”
“They are differentiating —
that’s healthy development.”
“This phase will pass.”

Then respond from the accurate
frame rather than the hurt.

Why it works: Research on
parental attribution and relationship
quality finds that parents who
understand adolescent embarrassment
as a normal developmental process —
rather than a personal rejection —
respond more effectively and
maintain relationship quality
more successfully through this phase.

Practice 2 — The Curious Conversation
What it is: A brief, calm,
curious conversation — at a
neutral time — genuinely exploring
what your child finds embarrassing
and why.

How to do it: Find a calm,
connected moment this week —
not after an embarrassing incident —
and ask genuinely:

“I’ve noticed sometimes I
seem to embarrass you — I’m
curious about that. Is there
anything specific?”

Then listen — without defensiveness,
without immediately justifying
yourself. Genuine curiosity
communicates respect.

Why it works: Research on
parent-adolescent communication
finds that parents who genuinely
listen to their adolescent’s
perspective — without immediately
defending themselves — maintain
significantly stronger relationships
and significantly more parental
influence than those who become defensive.

Practice 3 — The Warmth Maintenance
What it is: A deliberate daily
investment in relationship warmth —
maintaining the connection that
the embarrassment phase can erode.

How to do it: Once each day —
find one genuine moment of
warmth with your child:

A brief, genuine expression of interest.
A shared moment of humor.
A specific, genuine expression of appreciation.
A physical gesture of warmth —
if welcomed.

Keep it brief and genuine —
not effortful or pressured.

Why it works: Research on
parent-adolescent relationships
and long-term outcomes consistently
finds that maintaining genuine
warmth through the difficult
phases of adolescence — including
the embarrassment phase — significantly
predicts relationship quality
in adulthood. The warmth investment
makes this maintenance deliberate and consistent.

The Bottom Line

Being embarrassed by a parent
is a normal, developmentally
expected feature of childhood
and adolescence — part of the
identity differentiation process
rather than evidence of a damaged
relationship or a parenting failure.

The research is clear: staying
regulated and non-defensive;
acknowledging the child’s experience
without making it a relational
crisis; having calm, curious
conversations at neutral times;
being genuinely willing to
reflect on specific feedback;
and maintaining consistent
relationship warmth — together
navigate this phase most effectively.

The embarrassment phase is temporary.
The relationship — maintained
with warmth and perspective — is not.

Sources

Erikson, E. H. (1968).
Identity: Youth and Crisis.
W.W. Norton.

Blakemore, S. J. (2012).
Imaging brain development:
The adolescent brain.
NeuroImage, 61(2), 397–406.

Steinberg, L. (2001).
We know some things: Parent-adolescent
relationships in retrospect and prospect.
Journal of Research on Adolescence,
11(1), 1–19.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J.
(1997). Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.