What to Do if Your Child Is the Bully: What the Research Says

Discovering that your child is bullying
others is one of the most difficult
parenting moments — producing a complex
mix of shock, shame, disbelief, and
genuine concern. The instinctive responses —
denial, minimizing, or harsh punishment —
are understandable but research finds
them largely ineffective. What works
is specific, evidence-based, and requires
honest engagement with what is driving
the behavior.

This article covers what the research
shows about responding effectively
when your child is bullying others.

Taking It Seriously

Research on bullying perpetration
and long-term outcomes finds that
children who bully — without effective
intervention — show significantly
elevated rates of antisocial behavior,
relationship difficulties, and mental
health problems in adulthood. Taking
bullying seriously — not minimizing
or dismissing it — is the most important
first step.

Research also finds that children
who bully are not necessarily “bad kids” —
they are children showing a behavior
that has identifiable causes and that
responds to appropriate intervention.

What the Research Shows Works

Responding calmly and seriously —
not with shame. Research on parental
responses to bullying perpetration
finds that responding with significant
anger or shame — “I am disgusted
by you,” “how could you do this” —
produces defensiveness and shame
without producing genuine change.
A calm, serious response produces
better outcomes:

“I need to talk with you
about something serious.”
“I’ve learned that you have
been bullying [child]. I want
to understand what has been happening.”
“This is not okay — and we
are going to work on this together.”

Listening to understand —
not only to confront. Research
on behavioral change and parental
engagement finds that genuinely
understanding what is driving
the bullying — before imposing
consequences — produces significantly
better outcomes than immediate punishment.

Questions that help understanding:
“What has been going on
with you lately?”
“What is it about this child
that has produced this behavior?”
“Are you feeling okay —
is there anything difficult happening?”

Building genuine empathy for
the target. Research on empathy
and bullying cessation finds
that helping the child who
bullies genuinely understand
the impact of their behavior
on the target is one of the
most effective interventions.

“I want you to think about
how [child] feels when this happens.”
“What do you think it is
like for them to come to school?”
“How would you feel if this
was happening to you?”

Research finding: this is
most effective when done genuinely
and specifically — not as a
rhetorical device but as a
genuine invitation to perspective-taking.

Consistent, proportionate consequences.
Research on consequences and
bullying cessation finds that
consistent, proportionate consequences —
applied calmly and every time —
are more effective than severe
one-time consequences. Consequences
that include making amends —
where possible and appropriate —
produce better outcomes than
purely punitive consequences.

Collaborating with school. Research
on school-home collaboration
and bullying intervention finds
that parents who work collaboratively
with school — rather than defensively —
produce significantly better
outcomes. Effective collaboration:

Taking the school’s report
seriously rather than immediately defending the child.
Asking what the school is
doing and what parents can
do at home to support.
Following up on the school’s
intervention and the child’s behavior.

Addressing underlying causes.
Research on bullying perpetration
consistently finds that bullying
reflects underlying factors —
social status seeking, poor
empathy, poor emotional regulation,
home environment stressors,
peer group influences. Addressing
these underlying factors produces
more lasting change than consequences alone.

Questions to consider:
Is my child experiencing something
difficult — at home, socially, academically?
Is my child’s peer group modeling
or rewarding bullying behavior?
Are there family dynamics
that may be contributing?
Does my child need support
with emotional regulation or empathy?

Monitoring and following up.
Research on bullying intervention
and relapse finds that bullying
frequently recurs without consistent
monitoring and follow-up. Regular,
genuine check-ins — with both
the child and the school —
are important for ensuring
that change is genuine and lasting.

Professional support when needed.
Research on bullying perpetration
and intervention finds that
when bullying is severe, persistent,
or part of a broader pattern
of behavioral difficulty —
professional support is important.
A child psychologist can address
the underlying factors — empathy
deficits, emotional regulation
difficulties, social skills —
more effectively than parental
intervention alone.

What Does Not Help

Denying or minimizing. Research
on parental response and bullying
outcomes consistently finds
that parents who deny or minimize
their child’s bullying — “my
child would never do that,”
“kids will be kids” — prevent
effective intervention and allow
the bullying to continue and worsen.

Harsh punishment without understanding.
Research finds that harsh punishment —
without understanding and addressing
the underlying causes — produces
short-term compliance and long-term
resentment without genuine behavioral change.

Shaming the child. Research
on shame and behavioral change
finds that shaming children
for bullying — attacking their
character rather than their
behavior — produces defensive
anger without empathy or genuine change.

Blaming the target. Research
on attribution and bullying
finds that parents who suggest
the targeted child provoked
or deserved the bullying —
however subtly — model the
same attitude that drives bullying and prevent genuine accountability.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Calm Serious Conversation
What it is: A calm, serious,
genuine conversation about the
bullying — prioritizing understanding
before consequences.

How to do it: Find a calm
moment — not in the immediate
heat of discovery — and have
a genuine conversation:

“I want to talk about what
has been happening with [child].”
“I’m not here to punish you
right now — I want to understand.”
“Tell me what has been going on.”

Listen genuinely before responding.

Why it works: Research on
parental engagement and behavioral
change consistently finds that
genuine understanding — before
consequences — produces significantly
better behavioral change than
immediate punishment without understanding.

Practice 2 — The Empathy Exercise
What it is: A deliberate, genuine
perspective-taking exercise —
building the empathy that bullying
behavior reflects a deficit of.

How to do it: In a calm moment —
ask genuinely and specifically:

“I want you to really think
about [child’s name]. What
do you think it is like for
them to come to school right now?”
“How do you think they feel
when this happens?”
“What do you think this is
doing to them?”

Give genuine time for reflection —
this is not rhetorical.

Why it works: Research on
empathy and bullying cessation
consistently finds that genuine,
specific perspective-taking —
when the child is calm and
genuinely engaged — produces
significant increases in empathy
and significant reductions in
bullying behavior over time.

Practice 3 — The Monitoring Plan
What it is: A deliberate, specific
plan for monitoring the child’s
behavior going forward — building
the accountability that lasting change requires.

How to do it: This week establish
a specific monitoring plan:

Weekly check-in with the class teacher.
Regular genuine conversation
with your child about how
things are going with peers.
Clear, consistent consequences
if bullying continues.
Recognition and genuine celebration
if behavior genuinely changes.

Why it works: Research on
bullying intervention and relapse
consistently finds that bullying
frequently recurs without consistent
monitoring — and that children
whose parents actively monitor
and follow up show significantly
better sustained behavioral change
than those whose parents address
it once and consider it resolved.

The Bottom Line

Discovering your child is bullying
is difficult — and responding
effectively requires honesty,
genuine engagement, and the
willingness to address what
is driving the behavior rather
than only the behavior itself.

The research is clear: take
it seriously without shame;
listen to understand before
imposing consequences; build
genuine empathy for the target;
apply consistent, proportionate
consequences; collaborate with
school; address underlying causes;
and monitor consistently.

Children who bully can and
do change — with effective
parental engagement, appropriate
consequences, and the addressing
of the underlying factors that
are driving the behavior.

Sources

Olweus, D. (1993).
Bullying at School. Blackwell.

Espelage, D. L., & Swearer, S. M.
(2003). Research on school bullying
and victimization.
School Psychology Review,
32(3), 365–383.

Juvonen, J., & Graham, S. (2014).
Bullying in schools: The power
of bullies and the plight of victims.
Annual Review of Psychology,
65, 159–185.

Smith, P. K. (2014).
Understanding School Bullying.
SAGE Publications.