One of the most painful realities of childhood bullying
is that most children who are being bullied do not tell
their parents. Research consistently finds that the
majority of bullied children stay silent — out of shame,
out of fear that telling will make things worse, out of
not wanting to worry their parents, or because they have
been explicitly told by the child bullying them not to tell.
This means that parents who wait for their child to
report bullying will often wait a long time — while
their child struggles alone.
Knowing what to watch for — the behavioral, emotional,
and physical signals that research identifies as
associated with bullying — is one of the most important
things a parent can do.
Why Children Don’t Tell
Before discussing the signs, it helps to understand
why children stay silent — because understanding
this changes how parents respond when they do
eventually notice something is wrong.
Research on children’s disclosure of bullying
identifies the most common reasons for not telling:
Fear of making things worse. Many children
believe — often correctly — that adult
intervention can escalate the situation.
They worry that if they tell, the bullying
will get worse, or that they will be labeled
a tattletale.
Shame. Being bullied carries social stigma
for many children. Admitting it feels
humiliating — like an admission that
something is wrong with them.
Protecting parents. Children — particularly
older children — often do not want to worry
their parents. They attempt to manage the
situation alone to protect the adults they love.
Not recognizing it as bullying. Many children
do not identify what is happening to them as
bullying — particularly when the bullying is
relational rather than physical. They describe
specific incidents without connecting them into
a pattern.
Being told not to tell. Children who are being
bullied are sometimes explicitly threatened
not to report it. The threat itself becomes
part of the control.
Understanding these barriers helps parents
create the conditions — particularly through
regular, low-pressure check-ins and a
non-reactive response to difficult information —
that make disclosure more likely.
Behavioral Signs
Changes in behavior are often the first
signal that something is wrong in a child’s
peer world. Research on bullied children
identifies several consistent behavioral
patterns:
Reluctance or refusal to go to school.
A child who was previously happy to attend
school and who develops persistent reluctance,
particularly on specific days or in relation
to specific activities, may be dreading an
encounter with a child who is targeting them.
Changed behavior around the school day.
Significant distress before school, during
drop-off, or at pickup — that is different
from the child’s usual pattern — warrants
gentle investigation.
Withdrawal from activities they previously
enjoyed. A child who stops attending a
club, quits a sport, or withdraws from
an activity they previously loved may
be avoiding a context where bullying
is occurring.
Changes in friendship patterns. A child
who suddenly loses friends, who stops
talking about previously mentioned
friends, or who no longer receives
calls or messages from peers may be
experiencing social exclusion.
Increased secrecy about digital devices.
A child who becomes unusually secretive
about their phone or who shows distress
after using it may be experiencing
cyberbullying.
Avoidance of specific social situations.
Avoiding the cafeteria, specific routes
to school, specific areas of the
playground — these specific avoidances
often map onto where bullying is occurring.
Emotional Signs
Emotional changes are among the most
significant signals of bullying, though
they are sometimes attributed to other
causes:
Unexplained sadness, tearfulness, or
low mood — particularly when connected
to school days or social situations.
Increased irritability or anger at home.
A child who holds it together at school
and decompresses through anger or
irritability at home may be managing
significant social stress during the day.
Anxiety — particularly social anxiety,
anxiety about school, or anxiety about
specific situations or people.
Low self-esteem and negative self-talk.
Comments like “I’m not good at anything,”
“nobody likes me,” or “I’m stupid” —
particularly when these represent a
change from the child’s usual self-perception —
warrant attention.
Sleep difficulties — trouble falling asleep,
nightmares, or resistance to bedtime —
that are new and unexplained.
Loss of interest in things that previously
brought joy.
In more severe cases: expressions of
hopelessness, talk of not wanting to
go to school ever again, or in the
most serious situations, any expression
of not wanting to be alive. The last
of these requires immediate professional
attention.
Physical Signs
Physical signals are more commonly
associated with physical bullying
but can also reflect the physiological
stress response to any form of sustained
peer targeting:
Unexplained injuries — bruises, scratches,
or other marks that the child cannot
or will not explain.
Missing possessions or money — belongings
that are regularly “lost,” damaged, or
cannot be accounted for may be being
taken or destroyed by another child.
Physical symptoms without medical cause —
stomachaches, headaches, nausea —
particularly on school mornings or
before specific activities. These
are genuine stress responses, not
fabrication.
Changes in eating — coming home very
hungry when they should have eaten
at school (possibly having lunch taken
or being unable to eat in the
cafeteria), or loss of appetite.
What to Do When You Notice These Signs
Approach with curiosity, not alarm.
If you notice several of these signs,
the first step is a calm, specific,
low-pressure conversation — not an
immediate call to the school or a
confrontation with another family.
Ask specific questions rather than
general ones. “Is anyone bullying you?”
is a question many children answer “no”
even when the answer is yes. “Tell me
about lunchtime today — who did you
sit with? Was there anything that felt
unfair or unkind?” produces more information.
Listen fully before responding.
Receive what your child shares without
immediately problem-solving, minimizing,
or escalating. The quality of your
listening determines whether your
child will keep talking.
Believe what you hear. Children
rarely fabricate bullying. If your
child tells you something is happening,
take it seriously.
Document specifically. Write down
what your child tells you — specific
incidents, specific names, specific
locations, specific dates where possible.
This documentation matters if a school
conversation becomes necessary.
Act thoughtfully, not reactively.
Research on effective bullying intervention
consistently finds that collaborative,
evidence-based school involvement produces
better outcomes than reactive, adversarial
approaches. Request a meeting with the
teacher before escalating to the principal.
Do not contact the other child’s parents
directly.
Keep the door open. Whatever the child
shares — or doesn’t share — make clear
that you are available, that you will
not overreact, and that coming to you
will never make things worse.
When to Act Urgently
Most bullying situations, addressed
with consistent parental support and
collaborative school involvement,
improve over time. A few situations
require more urgent action:
Any expression of hopelessness,
self-harm, or not wanting to be alive
requires immediate professional attention —
contact your pediatrician or a crisis
line without delay.
Physical safety concerns — a child
who is being physically harmed —
warrant immediate school involvement
and, if necessary, contact with
law enforcement.
Cyberbullying that involves threats,
sexual content, or that meets the
legal definition of harassment in
your jurisdiction warrants contact
with law enforcement.
The Bottom Line
Most children who are being bullied
do not tell. Knowing what to watch
for — behavioral, emotional, and
physical signals that research
associates with peer targeting —
allows parents to notice, to ask,
and to act before the situation
becomes entrenched.
The most important thing is not
a perfect response to any specific
sign. It is the consistent, daily
practice of staying connected to
your child’s emotional life —
checking in, listening genuinely,
and making clear that you are
safe to come to.
That connection is both the
early warning system and the
most powerful protective factor
available.
Sources
Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at
School: What We Know and What
We Can Do. Blackwell.
Juvonen, J., & Graham, S. (2014).
Bullying in schools: The power
of bullies and the plight of
victims. Annual Review of
Psychology, 65, 159–185.
Patchin, J. W., & Hinduja, S.
(2015). Measuring cyberbullying:
Implications for research.
Aggression and Violent Behavior,
23, 69–74.
Whitson, S. (2014). 8 Keys to
End Bullying. W. W. Norton.
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