Signs of Emotional Regulation Difficulties in Children: What Parents Need to Know

Emotional regulation difficulties are
among the most common reasons children
are referred for professional support —
and among the most commonly missed
by parents who attribute the signs
to temperament, behavior, or simply
“going through a phase.” Understanding
what emotional regulation difficulties
actually look like — and distinguishing
them from typical developmental behavior —
is the essential first step toward
getting a child the support they need.

This article covers what the research
shows about signs of emotional regulation
difficulties in children — what to
look for, what causes these difficulties,
and what parents can specifically do.

What Emotional Regulation Is

Research on emotional regulation —
including foundational work by James
Gross at Stanford University — defines
emotional regulation as the processes
by which individuals influence which
emotions they have, when they have
them, and how they experience and
express them.

Research identifies several components:

Emotional awareness — recognizing
and naming one’s own emotional states.

Emotional tolerance — the capacity
to experience difficult emotions
without being overwhelmed.

Emotional expression — communicating
emotional states in socially
appropriate ways.

Emotional recovery — returning
to a regulated baseline after
emotional activation.

Emotional regulation difficulties
involve significant impairment
in one or more of these components —
producing characteristic signs
that parents and teachers can learn to recognize.

What Is Developmentally Normal

Research on emotional development
finds that emotional regulation capacity
develops gradually — and that what
is typical varies significantly by age:

Toddlers — very limited emotional
regulation. Tantrums and intense
emotional responses are developmentally normal.

Preschoolers — developing but
still limited regulation. Emotional
outbursts remain common and normal.

School age — significantly
more regulation capacity but
still developing. Occasional
emotional difficulty is normal.

Adolescence — strong emotions
combined with still-developing
prefrontal regulatory capacity.
Emotional intensity is developmentally expected.

The concern is not occasional
emotional difficulty — it is
persistent, pervasive, and impairing
difficulty that is significantly
beyond what is typical for
the child’s age.

The Signs of Emotional Regulation
Difficulties in Children

Frequent intense emotional outbursts.
Research on emotional dysregulation
finds that frequent intense
emotional outbursts — significantly
more frequent or more intense
than same-age peers — are one
of the most characteristic signs.
The key words are frequency
and intensity relative to peers.

Difficulty calming down after
emotional activation. Research
on emotional recovery finds
that children with emotional
regulation difficulties take
significantly longer to return
to a calm baseline — sometimes
remaining dysregulated for
thirty minutes to several hours
after an incident that peers
would recover from in minutes.

Disproportionate emotional responses.
Research finds that children
with poor regulation show emotional
responses that are significantly
disproportionate to the trigger —
intense distress over minor
frustrations, explosive anger
over small disappointments.

Difficulty identifying and
naming emotions. Research on
emotional awareness and regulation
finds that children with emotional
regulation difficulties frequently
cannot identify or name their
own emotional states — which
prevents the self-awareness
that regulation requires.

Aggressive behavior during
emotional arousal. Research
on aggression and emotional
regulation finds that hitting,
biting, kicking, throwing,
or verbal aggression during
emotional episodes is a characteristic
sign of poor emotional regulation —
the child is expressing through
behavior what they cannot manage internally.

Difficulty with transitions
and changes. Research on executive
function and regulation finds
that children with poor emotional
regulation show significantly
more difficulty with transitions —
ending preferred activities,
unexpected changes, moving
between settings — than typical peers.

Emotional contagion — being
overwhelmed by others’ emotions.
Research finds that some children
with poor regulation become
significantly dysregulated by
others’ emotional states —
becoming distressed when others
are distressed, overwhelmed
in emotionally charged environments.

Avoidance of emotionally challenging
situations. Research on avoidance
and emotional regulation finds
that children with poor regulation
frequently avoid situations
they anticipate will produce
difficult emotions — social
situations, challenging academic
tasks, competitive activities.

Physical complaints during
emotional difficulty. Research
on somatic symptoms and emotional
regulation finds that children
with poor regulation frequently
show physical symptoms — stomachaches,
headaches — during emotional
difficulty, reflecting the physical
expression of poorly regulated emotional arousal.

Difficulty recovering from
disappointment. Research finds
that children with poor emotional
regulation have significantly
more difficulty recovering from
disappointment — losing a game,
not getting what they wanted,
plans changing — than typical peers.

Shutdown or emotional numbing.
Research on emotional regulation
finds that some children with
regulation difficulties show
the opposite of emotional explosion —
complete emotional shutdown,
withdrawal, or numbing when
emotions become overwhelming.
This is equally a regulation
difficulty — avoiding emotion
rather than managing it.

Signs by Age

Toddlers and preschoolers:
Tantrums significantly more
frequent or more intense than peers.
Significant difficulty with
any transition or change.
Very long recovery time after upset.
Significant sleep difficulties
associated with emotional arousal.

School age:
Frequent meltdowns over relatively
minor triggers.
Significant difficulty managing
frustration at school.
Significant peer relationship
difficulties related to emotional reactivity.
Academic impact — emotional
difficulty significantly affecting learning.

Adolescents:
Explosive emotional responses
to perceived injustice or criticism.
Significant mood instability.
Emotional reactivity significantly
affecting peer relationships.
Risk-taking or self-destructive
behavior as emotional regulation.

What Causes Emotional Regulation
Difficulties

Research on the causes of emotional
regulation difficulties identifies
several consistent factors:

Neurodevelopmental conditions.
Research finds that ADHD, autism
spectrum conditions, and sensory
processing difficulties significantly
affect emotional regulation —
through their effects on executive
function and sensory processing.

Temperament. Research on temperament
and regulation finds that high
emotional reactivity and low
adaptability are associated
with regulation difficulty —
these children feel emotions
more intensely and find change
more difficult than typical peers.

Adverse experiences. Research
on trauma and regulation finds
that adverse childhood experiences —
abuse, neglect, chronic stress,
domestic violence — significantly
impair regulation development
through their effects on stress
response systems and brain development.

Insufficient co-regulation experience.
Research on co-regulation and
development finds that children
who have not had consistent
warm adult co-regulation experience
develop regulation capacity more slowly.

Anxiety and depression. Research
finds that anxiety and depression
both significantly affect emotional
regulation — anxiety producing
heightened emotional reactivity
and depression producing emotional
numbing and difficulty recovering from negative emotions.

What Parents Can Do

Consistent warm co-regulation.
Research on co-regulation consistently
finds that the most important
parental contribution to emotional
regulation development is consistent
warm co-regulation — the calm
regulated presence of a parent
during the child’s emotional difficulty.

Teaching regulation strategies
in calm moments. Research on
skill development and emotional
regulation finds that strategies
taught and practiced in calm
conditions are significantly
more available during actual
emotional difficulty than those
introduced during episodes.

Building emotional vocabulary.
Research on emotional vocabulary
and regulation finds that children
with larger emotional vocabularies
manage emotions significantly
better — because naming an
emotion activates the prefrontal
cortex and moderates the limbic response.

Emotion coaching. Research
by John Gottman on emotion
coaching finds it the most
effective parental approach
for building emotional regulation —
noticing, naming, validating,
limiting, and solving.

When to Seek Professional Assessment

Research supports seeking professional
assessment when:

Emotional regulation difficulties
are significantly impairing
functioning across multiple settings —
home, school, peer relationships.

Difficulties are not improving
with consistent warm parental
support over four to six weeks.

Aggressive behavior during
dysregulation is causing harm.

You suspect an underlying condition —
ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma —
is contributing.

The child is significantly
distressed by their own regulation difficulties.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Regulation Observation
What it is: A structured one-week
observation of your child’s
emotional regulation — building
the accurate picture that effective support requires.

How to do it: This week note
after each significant emotional episode:

How intense was the response
relative to the trigger?
How long did recovery take?
What time of day and context?
What helped — or didn’t help?

After one week — review the
pattern honestly.

Why it works: Research on
assessment and early intervention
consistently finds that systematic
observation — rather than general
impression — produces significantly
more accurate identification
of regulation difficulty and
more effective targeted support.

Practice 2 — The Emotion Naming Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
practice of naming emotions —
building the emotional vocabulary
that regulation requires.

How to do it: Throughout each
day this week — name emotions
as they arise:

In your child: “I can see
you’re feeling frustrated right now.”
In yourself: “I’m feeling
a bit stressed — I’m going
to take a breath.”
In books and media: “How
do you think that character
is feeling right now?”

Aim for five emotion namings
per day.

Why it works: Research on
emotional vocabulary and regulation
consistently finds that children
who can accurately identify
and name emotions show significantly
better emotional regulation —
because naming an emotion activates
the prefrontal cortex and begins
to moderate the limbic response.

Practice 3 — The Professional Assessment Step
What it is: A concrete commitment
to seeking professional assessment
if your observation suggests
significant regulation difficulties.

How to do it: If your week
of observation reveals a consistent
pattern of significant regulation
difficulty — this week take one step:

Talk to your pediatrician
about what you are observing.
Contact your child’s school
about what they are seeing.
Ask for a referral to a child
psychologist.

One step. This week.

Why it matters: Research on
emotional regulation difficulties
and early intervention consistently
finds that earlier professional
support — before patterns become
entrenched — produces significantly
better outcomes.

The Bottom Line

Emotional regulation difficulties
in children are real, recognizable,
and significantly more common
than clinical referral rates
suggest. They speak in the
language of frequent intense
outbursts, disproportionate
responses, prolonged recovery,
and avoidance of emotional
challenge — not always in the
language of visible distress.

Recognizing them accurately —
and responding with consistent
warmth, specific regulation
skill building, emotion coaching,
and professional support when
needed — produces genuine improvement
over time.

Sources

Gross, J. J. (2015).
Emotion regulation: Current
status and future prospects.
Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J.
(1997). Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Diamond, A. (2013).
Executive functions.
Annual Review of Psychology,
64, 135–168.

Schore, A. N. (2003).
Affect Regulation and the Repair
of the Self. W.W. Norton.