How to Support Social Development in Preschoolers: What the Research Says

The preschool years — approximately
ages three to five — are one of the
most significant periods for social
development. During these years children
develop theory of mind — the understanding
that others have different thoughts
and feelings — begin forming genuine
friendships, engage in cooperative
and pretend play, and develop the
beginning of moral reasoning. Research
on preschool social development provides
specific, evidence-based guidance about
what supports this extraordinary development —
and what parents can specifically do.

This article covers what the research
shows about supporting social development
in preschoolers — the most important
supports, the most important experiences,
and what parents can specifically do.

What Preschool Social Development
Looks Like

Research on preschool social development
identifies several characteristic features:

Theory of mind develops. Research
on theory of mind — including
the classic false belief studies
by Wimmer and Perner — finds
that the understanding that
others have thoughts, feelings,
and beliefs different from
one’s own develops between
approximately three and five years.
This is one of the most important
social-cognitive milestones
of early childhood — and the
foundation of genuine empathy and friendship.

Genuine friendships emerge.
Research finds that genuine
friendships — specific, preferred,
reciprocal peer relationships —
emerge in the preschool years.
Research by Willard Hartup finds
that having at least one genuine
friendship in early childhood
is one of the strongest predictors
of positive long-term social development.

Cooperative and pretend play develop.
Research finds that cooperative
play — working toward shared
goals with peers — and shared
pretend play — creating and
sustaining shared fantasy scenarios —
develop during the preschool years.
These are among the most socially
and cognitively demanding activities
of early childhood.

Social rules become more important.
Research finds that preschoolers
develop an increasingly strong
sense of social rules — fairness,
sharing, turn-taking — and
become increasingly sensitive
to violations of these rules.

Gender segregation in play increases.
Research finds that preschoolers
increasingly prefer same-gender
playmates — a universal finding
across cultures.

The Most Important Supports for
Preschool Social Development

Research on preschool social development
and what supports it identifies:

Genuine peer social experience —
particularly unstructured play.
Research consistently finds
that genuine peer social experience —
particularly unstructured play
without adult direction — is
the primary context for preschool
social development. The cooperative
play, conflict, negotiation,
and shared fantasy of peer
play provide the most important
social development practice available.

Emotion coaching. Research
by Gottman finds that emotion
coaching — acknowledging and
validating children’s emotions,
helping them name and understand
their feelings — continues to
be one of the most important
parenting practices for preschool
social development.

Perspective-taking conversations.
Research on theory of mind
development finds that perspective-taking
conversations — asking children
how others might be feeling
and thinking — significantly
accelerate theory of mind development
and build the empathy that social competence requires.

Shared book reading — particularly
books with complex emotional
and social themes. Research
finds that shared book reading —
with discussion of characters’
feelings, motivations, and perspectives —
significantly supports theory
of mind development and social understanding.

Warm authoritative parenting.
Research consistently finds
that warm authoritative parenting —
combining genuine warmth with
consistent structure and genuine
respect for the child’s developing
autonomy — significantly supports
preschool social development.

How to Support Preschool Social
Development Practically

Research on preschool social development
and practical parenting identifies
several specific approaches:

Facilitate genuine peer play — regularly.
Research supports providing
regular opportunities for genuine
peer play — playdates with
preferred peers, preschool
or playgroup participation,
neighborhood play. The play
should be primarily unstructured —
allowing children to direct
their own social experience.

Support friendship development.
Research by Hartup supports
actively facilitating the friendships
that preschoolers naturally
form — arranging playdates
with preferred peers, supporting
children through friendship
difficulties, and genuinely
celebrating friendship milestones.

Use perspective-taking questions
consistently. Research supports
regularly asking perspective-taking
questions — in everyday situations,
during book reading, and when
social conflicts arise:

“How do you think [friend]
felt when that happened?”
“What do you think [character]
is thinking right now?”
“If you were [friend] — how
would you feel?”

Guide conflict — rather than
prevent it. Research finds
that peer conflict in preschool —
over toys, roles, and rules —
is completely normal and genuinely
important for social development.
Guiding children through conflict —
rather than preventing it —
produces better social development outcomes:

Acknowledge both children’s feelings.
Help identify what each child wants.
Help generate solutions together —
“What could you do so both
of you are happy?”
Allow children to practice
the solution with support.

Teach social skills explicitly —
and in context. Research finds
that explicit social skills
teaching — in the context of
real social situations — is
more effective than abstract instruction:

How to join play: “You could
say — ‘Can I play too?’”
How to share: “You could
say — ‘Can I have a turn when you’re done?’”
How to handle rejection:
“If they say no — you could
find something else to do —
or ask again later.”

Read books about social situations
together — and discuss them.
Research finds that books about
friendship, sharing, conflict,
and emotions — read and discussed
together — significantly support
preschool social development
through the perspective-taking
and social understanding they promote.

Model prosocial behavior.
Research finds that preschoolers
learn social behavior significantly
through observing their parents.
Modeling kindness, cooperation,
conflict resolution, and empathy —
genuinely and naturally — is
one of the most powerful social
development tools available.

Supporting Preschool Friendship

Research on preschool friendship
and parental support identifies several
specific practices:

Take friendship seriously.
Research supports taking preschoolers’
friendships seriously — acknowledging
them as genuinely important —
rather than dismissing them
as unimportant at this age.

Facilitate playdates with preferred peers.
Research supports arranging
regular playdates with the
specific peers your preschooler
gravitates toward — rather
than only group social activities.

Support through friendship difficulties.
Research supports providing
warm, specific support when
friendship difficulties arise —
acknowledging the child’s feelings,
helping them understand what
happened, and generating solutions —
without taking over.

Celebrate friendship milestones.
Research supports acknowledging
and celebrating friendship milestones —
a new friend made, a conflict
resolved, a friendship deepened —
as genuine developmental achievements.

Supporting Theory of Mind Development

Research on theory of mind and
preschool social development identifies
several specific practices:

Perspective-taking conversations — daily.
Research supports asking perspective-taking
questions consistently — in
everyday situations, during
book reading, and when social
situations arise.

Books featuring characters
with different perspectives.
Research supports choosing
books that feature characters
with clearly different perspectives,
emotions, and motivations —
and discussing these with genuine curiosity.

Pretend play with role-taking.
Research finds that pretend
play — particularly role-play
where children take on different
characters’ perspectives —
significantly supports theory
of mind development.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Playdate Facilitation
What it is: A deliberate facilitation
of a playdate with your preschooler’s
preferred peer — the most important
social development investment at this age.

How to do it: This week arrange
a playdate with your preschooler’s
most preferred peer:

Contact the peer’s family —
and arrange a specific time.
Provide a space and materials
for unstructured play — without directing.
Stay nearby but allow the
children to direct their play.
Allow natural conflict —
and guide rather than prevent.

Why it works: Research by
Hartup consistently finds that
facilitated genuine friendship —
through regular playdates with
preferred peers — is one of
the most important social development
investments of the preschool years.

Practice 2 — The Perspective-Taking Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
practice of perspective-taking —
building the theory of mind
that is the foundation of social competence.

How to do it: This week ask
at least three perspective-taking
questions each day:

During book reading: “How
do you think [character] is
feeling? What do you think
they will do?”
During social situations:
“How do you think [friend]
felt when that happened?”
During conflict: “How do
you think [sibling] felt when
you grabbed that toy?”

Why it works: Research on
theory of mind development
consistently finds that perspective-taking
practice — through guided questions
in real and fictional situations —
significantly accelerates theory
of mind development and builds
the empathy and social understanding
that social competence requires.

Practice 3 — The Social Skills Teaching Practice
What it is: A deliberate practice
of teaching specific social
skills — in context — building
the behavioral repertoire that
peer social competence requires.

How to do it: This week identify
one social skill your preschooler
is currently struggling with —
and teach it specifically:

Joining play — practice the
words and approach together.
Sharing — practice the language
and the turn-taking process.
Handling rejection — practice
what to do when a peer says no.

Role-play the skill together
in a calm moment — before
the real social situation arises.

Why it works: Research on
social skills teaching in preschool
consistently finds that explicit
skill teaching — practiced in
calm contexts before stressful
situations arise — produces
significantly better skill acquisition
and use than correction only
in the moment of social difficulty.

The Bottom Line

Supporting social development
in preschoolers means providing
the peer social experience,
friendship support, perspective-taking
practice, emotion coaching,
and explicit social skills
teaching that preschool social
development requires. Research
is clear: genuine peer play
is the primary social development
context; friendship is critically
important; theory of mind is
the foundational social-cognitive
milestone; emotion coaching
builds emotional intelligence;
and warm authoritative parenting
supports all aspects of preschool social development.

Sources

Wimmer, H., & Perner, J. (1983).
Beliefs about beliefs.
Cognition, 13(1), 103–128.

Hartup, W. W. (1996).
The company they keep.
Child Development, 67(1), 1–13.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J.
(1997). Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Gray, P. (2013).
Free to Learn. Basic Books.