How to Raise a Child Who Is Grateful and Giving: What the Research Says

Gratitude and generosity are two of
the qualities most strongly associated
with human flourishing — and two of
the qualities that parents most want
to cultivate in their children. They
are also deeply connected: research
consistently finds that grateful people
are more generous, and generous people
are more grateful — the two qualities
reinforce and amplify each other in
ways that make cultivating both together
more powerful than pursuing either alone.

This article covers what the research
shows about raising children who are
both grateful and giving — what builds
these qualities genuinely, what gets
in the way, and what the daily practices
are that make the biggest difference.

What Gratitude and Generosity
Actually Are

Gratitude is not simply saying thank you.
Research by Robert Emmons at the
University of California Davis —
one of the leading researchers on
gratitude — describes genuine gratitude
as a two-part process: recognizing
that one has received something good,
and recognizing that the source of
that good thing is at least partly
external — that someone or something
outside oneself contributed to it.

Generosity — or prosocial behavior —
is the voluntary giving of something
of value to benefit another person.
Research by Nancy Eisenberg at
Arizona State University on prosocial
development finds that genuine generosity
is motivated by genuine concern for
others rather than by external reward
or social pressure.

Research on the relationship between
gratitude and generosity finds a
consistent bidirectional connection:

Gratitude motivates generosity.
Research by Sara Algoe at the
University of North Carolina finds
that gratitude functions as a
“find, remind, and bind” mechanism —
it helps people notice the good
things others do for them, reminds
them of the value of those relationships,
and motivates prosocial behavior
toward both the benefactor and others.

Generosity builds gratitude.
Research on prosocial behavior
and wellbeing finds that the
experience of giving — of seeing
one’s own effort make a difference
in another person’s life — builds
appreciation for what one has
and gratitude for the capacity to give.

How Gratitude and Generosity
Develop in Children

Research on the development of
both qualities across childhood
identifies a consistent sequence:

Early childhood: Young children
show genuine prosocial behavior —
spontaneous helping, sharing,
comforting — from very early
in development. Research by
Felix Warneken at Harvard finds
prosocial motivation present
in children as young as fourteen months.
But genuine gratitude — which
requires the cognitive capacity
to understand the perspective
of the giver and the cost of
the gift — develops more slowly,
emerging reliably around age
seven or eight.

Middle childhood: Between ages
six and twelve, both gratitude
and generosity become more
sophisticated. Children develop
the capacity to understand the
perspective of the giver, the
cost or effort behind a gift
or kind act, and the intentionality
behind generosity. Research by
Jeffrey Froh at Hofstra University
on gratitude in children finds
that explicit gratitude practices
produce significant benefits
for children’s wellbeing, positive
emotion, and prosocial behavior
from middle childhood onward.

Adolescence: Both gratitude
and generosity can deepen
significantly in adolescence —
as adolescents develop the
capacity for genuine moral
reasoning, for understanding
privilege and inequality, and
for connecting their own wellbeing
to their contribution to others.
Research finds that adolescents
who engage in genuine prosocial
behavior — volunteering, community
service, genuine giving — show
better mental health outcomes,
stronger sense of purpose,
and greater life satisfaction
than those who do not.

What the Research Shows Builds
Gratitude and Generosity

Modeling both qualities genuinely.
Research on observational learning
and prosocial development finds
that children’s gratitude and
generosity are significantly
shaped by observing how the
adults around them express
gratitude and practice generosity —
not in performed or staged ways,
but in the ordinary moments of daily life.

The parent who notices and
names their own gratitude —
“I’m really grateful for that” —
and who gives genuinely —
of time, attention, resources —
is providing the most powerful
gratitude and generosity education available.

Regular gratitude practices.
Research on gratitude interventions —
including work by Emmons and
McCullough on gratitude journaling
and by Froh on gratitude practices
in children — finds that deliberate,
regular practices of noticing
and expressing gratitude produce
genuine increases in grateful
thinking and associated wellbeing benefits.

The most effective practices
are specific rather than generic —
“I’m grateful that my friend
helped me when I was struggling
today” rather than “I’m grateful
for my friends” — and are
practiced regularly rather than occasionally.

Genuine contribution opportunities.
Research on prosocial behavior
and motivation finds that the
single most powerful builder
of genuine generosity is the
direct experience of making
a real difference in another
person’s life. Children who
help a neighbor, who contribute
to a food bank, who support
a friend through difficulty —
and who see the real impact
of their contribution — develop
stronger prosocial motivation
than those who are told about
the importance of giving without
the experience of doing it.

Helping children notice the
effort behind good things.
Research on gratitude and
perspective-taking finds that
genuine gratitude requires
understanding that the good
thing received came through
someone else’s effort, care,
or sacrifice. Parents who
help children see this —
“do you know how much time
Grandma spent making that
for you?” “the people who
grew this food worked really
hard” — build the perspective-taking
that genuine gratitude requires.

Connecting giving to values
and identity. Research on
identity and prosocial behavior —
including work by Christopher
Bryan at the University of
Chicago — finds that framing
generosity as an identity —
“we are a family that gives”
“you are someone who helps others” —
produces more consistent prosocial
behavior than framing it as
an occasional behavior.

Avoiding excessive materialism.
Research on materialism and
gratitude finds an inverse
relationship: children who
are surrounded by abundant
possessions — who receive
new things frequently and
without particular occasion —
develop less capacity for
gratitude than those for whom
good things are more clearly
special and earned. When
everything is available all
the time, nothing is particularly
noticed or appreciated.

What Does Not Build Genuine
Gratitude and Generosity

Requiring performed gratitude
without substance. Requiring
children to say thank you
as a social script — without
any accompanying attention
to what they are thankful for —
produces the performance of
gratitude rather than the experience of it.

Rewarding generosity with
tangible prizes. Research on
the overjustification effect
finds that rewarding prosocial
behavior with external rewards
reduces intrinsic prosocial
motivation. Children who give
because they are rewarded
will be less generous when
the rewards are absent.

Lecturing about how lucky
they are. Shame-based approaches —
making children feel bad about
insufficient gratitude — produce
defensiveness rather than genuine grateful attention.

Giving without involving children.
Parents who give to charity
or help others without involving
their children miss the most
powerful generosity education
opportunity available — the
direct experience of giving together.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Specific Gratitude Share
What it is: A daily family
gratitude practice that emphasizes
specificity and genuine attention —
building the habit of grateful
noticing that research finds
most effective.

How to do it: At dinner
or bedtime, each family member —
including parents — shares
one specific thing they are
genuinely grateful for from the day:

Not “I’m grateful for my family” —
but “I’m grateful that you
helped me when I dropped
everything this morning.”
Not “I’m grateful for food” —
but “I’m grateful for this
meal that took time to make.”

The specificity is the practice —
it requires genuine attention
to what was actually good
rather than formulaic response.

Why it works: Research on
gratitude practices and wellbeing
finds that specific, genuinely
attended gratitude produces
significantly greater wellbeing
benefits than generic gratitude —
because it requires and trains
the attention that genuine
gratitude develops. The Specific
Gratitude Share builds this
attention as a daily family habit.

Practice 2 — The Family Giving Project
What it is: A regular,
shared family giving practice —
building genuine generosity
through direct experience of
contribution together.

How to do it: As a family,
choose one regular giving
practice that you do together:

Monthly contribution to a
food bank or community organization.
Regular help to a neighbor
or community member who needs it.
A family giving fund — a
portion of family resources
set aside for giving — that
children help decide how to use.
Seasonal community service
that becomes a family tradition.

Talk about it explicitly —
why you do it, what difference
it makes, how it connects
to your family values:
“We do this because we
believe in taking care of
people in our community.”

Why it works: Research on
prosocial behavior and motivation
finds that the direct experience
of giving — seeing one’s own
contribution make a real
difference — is the most
powerful builder of genuine
generosity. The Family Giving
Project creates this experience
consistently and connects it
explicitly to family identity and values.

Practice 3 — The Effort Behind the Gift
What it is: A regular practice
of helping children notice
and appreciate the effort,
care, and thought behind
good things they receive —
building the perspective-taking
that genuine gratitude requires.

How to do it: Regularly and
specifically draw your child’s
attention to the effort behind
good things:

“Do you know how long it
took to make this for you?
That was real love.”
“The person who grew this
food worked outside in all
weathers to do that.”
“Your teacher spent a lot
of time preparing that lesson.
Did you notice?”
“Your friend remembered your
favorite thing. That took thought and care.”

Keep the tone curious and
warm rather than instructional.
You are building a habit
of noticing, not delivering a lesson.

Why it works: Research on
gratitude and perspective-taking
finds that genuine gratitude
requires understanding the
cost and care behind good
things received — which does
not develop automatically
but is built through consistent
adult direction of attention.
The Effort Behind the Gift
practice builds this perspective-taking
as a regular family habit.

The Bottom Line

Gratitude and generosity are
not qualities that children
either have or do not have.
They are capacities that develop —
through consistent modeling,
through regular practice,
through genuine experience
of giving and receiving,
and through the deliberate
direction of attention to
what is good and to the
effort behind it.

The child who grows up in
a family where gratitude
is specifically named and
practiced, where generosity
is modeled and experienced
together, and where good
things are noticed rather
than assumed — that child
develops the gratitude and
generosity that research
finds central to a genuinely
flourishing life.

Not because they were told
to be grateful and generous.
Because they experienced it —
every day, in the ordinary
moments of family life —
as a way of being in the world.

Sources

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E.
(2003). Counting blessings versus burdens.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
84(2), 377–389.

Froh, J. J., Sefick, W. J., &
Emmons, R. A. (2008).
Counting blessings in early adolescents.
Journal of School Psychology,
46(2), 213–233.

Algoe, S. B. (2012).
Find, remind, and bind:
The functions of gratitude
in everyday relationships.
Social and Personality Psychology Compass,
6(6), 455–469.

Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2008).
Extrinsic rewards undermine altruistic
tendencies in 20-month-olds.
Developmental Psychology,
44(6), 1785–1788.