How to Help Siblings Get Along: What the Research Says

Getting siblings to get along is one
of the most common — and most challenging —
parenting goals. The children who share
a home, a family, and a childhood
together are also the children who
fight over toys, compete for attention,
irritate each other with remarkable
precision, and can make an ordinary
Tuesday feel like a battle zone.

The research on sibling relationships
is more specific and more hopeful
than most parenting advice suggests.
This article covers what the evidence
shows about what builds positive
sibling relationships, what gets
in the way, and what the practices
are that make the biggest difference.

What Sibling Relationship Quality
Actually Predicts

Before discussing what helps,
it is worth understanding why
sibling relationship quality matters —
because the research on long-term
outcomes is striking.

Research by Judy Dunn at Cambridge
on sibling relationships across
the lifespan finds that the quality
of the sibling relationship in
childhood is one of the strongest
predictors of sibling relationship
quality in adulthood — and that
adult sibling relationships are
among the most enduring and most
significant relationships of a lifetime.

Research by Buist and colleagues
on sibling relationships and
adolescent wellbeing finds that
a warm, supportive sibling relationship
is a significant protective factor
for adolescent mental health —
reducing rates of depression and
anxiety independently of the
quality of parent-child relationships.

Research on older adults and
sibling relationships finds that
sibling connection in later life
is associated with greater life
satisfaction and better psychological
wellbeing — with the sibling
relationship often becoming
the longest relationship of a person’s life.

The sibling relationship your
children are building right now —
in the daily friction and fun
of shared childhood — is one
they will carry for the rest of their lives.

What the Research Shows Builds
Positive Sibling Relationships

Positive shared experiences.
Research by Laurie Kramer at
the University of Illinois —
whose “More Fun With Sisters
and Brothers” program is one
of the few evidence-based
sibling relationship interventions —
finds that the single strongest
predictor of sibling relationship
quality is the amount of positive
shared experience siblings have —
activities they enjoy together,
moments of genuine fun and connection.

This finding is both obvious
and frequently overlooked.
Parents spend significant
energy managing sibling conflict —
which is understandable and
sometimes necessary. Research
finds that equal or greater
investment in facilitating
positive shared experiences
produces more significant
and more lasting improvements
in sibling relationship quality.

What positive shared experiences
look like: shared games that
both children genuinely enjoy;
collaborative projects; shared
secrets and rituals; activities
that require cooperation;
the simple shared pleasure
of being together doing
something both children love.

Teaching relationship skills
explicitly. Research by Kramer
on sibling relationship interventions
finds that children who are
taught specific relationship
skills — how to initiate
positive interaction, how
to respond to a sibling’s
bid for connection, how
to manage disagreement
without escalation —
show significantly better
sibling relationship quality
than those who are not.

These skills do not develop
automatically through proximity.
They develop through teaching,
modeling, and practice —
and parents are the primary teachers.

Parental warmth toward each child.
Research by Gene Brody on
family systems and sibling
relationships finds that the
warmth of the parent-child
relationship is one of the
strongest predictors of
sibling relationship quality —
children who feel securely,
warmly loved by their parents
are significantly more likely
to treat their siblings with
warmth and generosity than
those who feel insecure in
the parent-child relationship.

This finding points to
something important: investing
in each individual parent-child
relationship is simultaneously
an investment in the sibling
relationship. Children who
feel abundantly loved do
not need to compete for love.

Not taking sides. Research
on parental intervention
in sibling conflict and
its effects on sibling
relationship quality finds
that parental side-taking —
consistently siding with
one child in sibling disputes —
is associated with worse
sibling relationship quality
over time. The child who
is consistently sided with
learns that the parent
is an ally against the sibling.
The child who is consistently
sided against learns that
the relationship is unfair.

Research finds that coaching
both children through conflict
resolution — without determining
the outcome — produces
better sibling relationship
quality than consistent
side-taking in either direction.

Avoiding comparison. Research
on sibling relationships and
parental behavior finds that
consistent comparison between
siblings — “why can’t you
be more like your sister,”
“your brother never acts
like this” — is associated
with worse sibling relationship
quality. Comparison positions
siblings as competitors
rather than companions
and generates the resentment
that undermines positive relationship.

Celebrating each child’s
distinctiveness — the specific,
individual qualities that
make each child who they are —
is more beneficial than
either comparison or
the enforced equality
of treating all children identically.

What Does Not Help

Forcing positive interaction.
Research on sibling relationship
interventions finds that forced
positive interaction — requiring
siblings to hug, to say kind
things to each other, to
express affection they do
not feel — produces compliance
without genuine connection
and can increase resentment.

Genuine positive interaction
cannot be manufactured through
force. It grows through
the accumulation of genuinely
positive shared experiences —
which parents can facilitate
but not compel.

Always intervening in conflict.
Research on sibling conflict
and its developmental effects
finds that some sibling conflict —
when it is within the normal
range and when children
are supported in working
through it — is genuinely
developmentally valuable.
Parents who intervene in
every sibling disagreement
deprive children of the
conflict resolution practice
that the sibling relationship
provides uniquely.

The guideline: intervene
when safety is at risk
or when genuine resolution
is impossible. Coach
rather than adjudicate
when possible. Allow
resolution when children
are capable of it.

Dismissing the sibling
relationship as less
important than peer relationships.
Research on the significance
of the sibling relationship
across the lifespan finds
that it is among the
most enduring and most
significant relationships
of a lifetime — deserving
of the same intentional
investment that parents
make in other developmental domains.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Sibling Fun Date
What it is: A weekly,
parent-facilitated activity
specifically chosen for
both siblings to enjoy —
building the positive
shared experience that
research identifies as
the foundation of sibling
relationship quality.

How to do it: Once
a week, facilitate
a shared activity
that both children
genuinely enjoy —
not one child’s
choice imposed on
the other, but something
that is genuinely
fun for both:
A shared game they
both love.
A cooking project together.
A building or art
project with a shared goal.
An outdoor adventure
they both enjoy.

Stay nearby to facilitate
but step back enough
to let the siblings
connect rather than
connecting primarily
with you.

Why it works: Research
by Kramer on sibling
relationship quality
finds that the amount
of positive shared
experience between
siblings is the single
strongest predictor
of relationship quality —
more predictive than
conflict frequency,
age gap, gender,
or any other variable.
The Sibling Fun Date
builds this experience
deliberately and consistently.

Practice 2 — The Kindness Spotter
What it is: A family
practice of deliberately
noticing and naming
moments of sibling
kindness — building
the positive narrative
about the sibling
relationship that
research finds shapes
how children experience it.

How to do it: When
you witness a moment
of sibling kindness —
however small —
name it specifically:
“I just saw you share
your snack without
being asked. That
was really kind.”
“I noticed you helped
your brother when
he was struggling.
That’s what siblings do.”
“I saw you wait for
your sister. That
was patient and kind.”

At dinner or bedtime,
ask: “Did anyone
notice something kind
that your sibling
did today?”

Why it works: Research
on narrative and
relationship quality
finds that the story
children tell about
their sibling relationship —
whether they see
their sibling primarily
as a rival or as
a companion —
significantly shapes
the quality of that
relationship. The
Kindness Spotter
builds a narrative
of companionship
and kindness that
becomes self-reinforcing
over time.

Practice 3 — The Sibling Secret
What it is: A small,
shared ritual or
secret between siblings —
facilitated by the
parent — that builds
the sense of a
special bond that
exists between them
specifically.

How to do it: Help
your children develop
one small, shared
ritual that belongs
specifically to them:
A special handshake.
A shared silly word
or phrase.
A secret signal.
A shared joke that
only they understand.

The ritual does not
need to be elaborate.
It needs to be theirs —
something that marks
their relationship
as special and specific.

Why it works: Research
on sibling relationship
quality and shared
identity finds that
siblings who develop
a sense of shared
identity — of a
bond that is specifically
theirs — show stronger
relationship quality
than those for whom
the sibling relationship
is defined primarily
by shared parentage
rather than by genuine connection.

The Bottom Line

Sibling relationships
are not simply given —
they are built, in
the ordinary moments
of shared childhood,
through positive experiences,
through conflict navigated
and repaired, through
the consistent message
from parents that
each child is loved
and that the sibling
relationship is worth investing in.

The research is clear
about what matters most:
not the absence of conflict,
but the presence of
genuine positive connection —
the fun, the shared rituals,
the moments of kindness
noticed and named —
that build the relationship
that will last a lifetime.

That relationship begins
right now, in your home,
in the ordinary Tuesday
that feels like a battle zone.

It is worth the investment.

Sources

Kramer, L. (2010).
The essential ingredients
of successful sibling relationships.
Child Development Perspectives,
4(2), 80–86.

Dunn, J. (2002).
Sibling relationships.
In P. K. Smith & C. H. Hart (Eds.),
Blackwell Handbook of Childhood
Social Development. Blackwell.

Brody, G. H. (1998).
Sibling relationship quality:
Its causes and consequences.
Annual Review of Psychology,
49, 1–24.

Buist, K. L., Dekovic, M.,
Meeus, W., & Van Aken, M. A. G.
(2002). Developmental patterns
in adolescent attachment to
mother, father and sibling.
Journal of Youth and Adolescence,
31(3), 167–176.