How to Help a Child Grieve the Loss of a Sibling: What the Research Says

The death of a sibling is one of the
most profound and most complicated
losses a child can experience — and
one that is frequently overshadowed
by the grief of the parents. Research
on sibling bereavement consistently
finds that children who lose a sibling
face a unique grief — one that occurs
within a family system where everyone
is grieving, where parental attention
is inevitably divided, and where the
child has lost not only a sibling
but a daily companion, a playmate,
and a fundamental part of their family identity.

This article covers what the research
shows about helping a child grieve
the loss of a sibling — what makes
sibling grief distinctive, what children
need, and what parents can specifically do.

What Makes Sibling Grief Distinctive

Research on sibling bereavement —
including significant work by Betty
Davies at the University of California
San Francisco — finds several features
that distinguish sibling grief from
other childhood losses:

The loss occurs within a grieving
family system. Research finds
that bereaved siblings grieve
within a family where everyone —
particularly the parents — is
also grieving. This means the
child’s primary support figures
are themselves incapacitated
by grief — significantly reducing
the support available to the
bereaved sibling.

The child loses a daily companion.
Research on sibling relationships
finds that siblings are typically
the most constant daily companions
of childhood — sharing bedrooms,
mealtimes, play, and daily
life in ways that no other
relationship replicates. The
loss of a sibling changes the
texture of every day.

The child may feel overlooked.
Research on bereaved siblings
finds that bereaved siblings
frequently feel overlooked —
as parental grief for the deceased
child dominates the family
emotional landscape. Bereaved
siblings sometimes feel that
the deceased sibling is more
valued in death than they are in life.

Guilt is particularly complex.
Research on sibling grief and
guilt finds that bereaved siblings
frequently struggle with complex
guilt — guilt about surviving,
guilt about negative feelings
toward the deceased sibling
before the death, guilt about
feeling relieved of sibling
conflict, guilt about their
parents’ grief.

Identity disruption. Research
on sibling loss and identity
finds that losing a sibling
disrupts a significant part
of the child’s identity —
they may no longer know how
to answer “do you have brothers
or sisters?” and may struggle
with their changed role in
the family.

The family changes fundamentally.
Research on family systems
and sibling loss finds that
the death of a sibling fundamentally
changes family dynamics —
birth order, roles, relationships,
and the sense of what the
family is.

What Bereaved Siblings Most Need

Research on sibling bereavement
identifies several specific needs:

To be seen and included in
the family grief. Research
finds that bereaved siblings
frequently feel excluded from
the family grief — as adult
grief dominates. Being explicitly
included — acknowledged, involved,
and given space for their own
grief — is essential.

To have their grief taken
seriously. Research on bereaved
siblings finds that sibling
grief is frequently minimized —
even by well-meaning adults
who focus their support on
the parents. Explicitly taking
the bereaved sibling’s grief
seriously — acknowledging it
as significant — is important.

To maintain their own identity —
not become a replacement. Research
on bereaved siblings and parental
grief finds that bereaved siblings
sometimes feel pressure — consciously
or unconsciously — to become
a replacement for the deceased
sibling. This pressure is damaging
and requires conscious parental awareness.

To have their relationship
with the deceased sibling honored.
Research on continuing bonds
and sibling grief finds that
bereaved siblings need their
specific relationship with
the deceased sibling — including
its complexity, its conflicts,
and its love — to be honored
and acknowledged.

To have surviving parental
support — even while parents
are grieving. Research on bereaved
siblings and parental support
finds that surviving parental
availability — however imperfect
during the parents’ own grief —
is the most important factor
in bereaved sibling outcomes.

What Parents Can Do

Acknowledge the bereaved sibling’s
grief explicitly and specifically.
Research on bereaved siblings
and parental acknowledgment
finds that explicit specific
acknowledgment — separate from
acknowledgment of the parents’
own grief — is essential:

“I know you are grieving too —
and your grief matters just
as much. Losing [sibling’s
name] is one of the hardest
things that can happen.”

Make time specifically for
the bereaved sibling. Research
on bereaved siblings and parental
attention finds that making
specific, protected time for
the bereaved sibling — separate
from family grief time — significantly
supports the bereaved sibling’s
sense of being valued and seen.

Watch for the “forgotten griever”
pattern. Research on bereaved
siblings finds that bereaved
siblings frequently become
the forgotten grievers — suppressing
their own grief to protect
their parents. Actively watching
for and addressing this pattern
is important.

Honor the specific sibling
relationship. Research on continuing
bonds and sibling grief supports
actively maintaining the deceased
sibling’s presence in family
life — while honoring the specific
relationship between the bereaved
sibling and the deceased:

“Tell me something you loved
about [sibling’s name].”
“What do you miss most about [sibling]?”
“What is your favorite memory of [sibling]?”

Address guilt explicitly. Research
on sibling guilt and grief
supports explicitly addressing
the common guilt experiences
of bereaved siblings:

Survivor guilt: “It is not
your fault that you are alive
and [sibling] died. That is
not how it works.”
Conflict guilt: “It’s normal
to have argued with [sibling] —
all siblings do. That does
not change how much you loved them.”

Seek professional support
if needed. Research on bereaved
siblings and professional support
finds that sibling bereavement —
particularly when it involves
sudden or traumatic death —
warrants professional assessment
and support.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Sibling Acknowledgment Practice
What it is: A deliberate explicit
acknowledgment of the bereaved
sibling’s grief — separate from
family grief acknowledgment.

How to do it: This week find
a private moment with the bereaved
sibling and say genuinely:

“I want to make sure I say
this clearly — you are grieving
too. Losing [sibling] is one
of the biggest losses there
is. Your grief is just as
important as mine — and I
am here for you.”

Why it works: Research on
bereaved siblings consistently
finds that explicit individual
acknowledgment — separate from
family grief — significantly
reduces the forgotten griever
pattern and supports the bereaved
sibling’s sense of being seen and valued.

Practice 2 — The Protected Time Practice
What it is: A deliberate weekly
protected time specifically
for the bereaved sibling —
building the individual attention
that sibling grief requires.

How to do it: Once each week —
create a specific protected
time with the bereaved sibling:

An activity they choose.
Genuine one-on-one attention.
Space for grief — or not —
at their pace.
Explicit communication that
this time is theirs.

Why it works: Research on
bereaved siblings and parental
attention consistently finds
that specific protected one-on-one
time — maintained consistently —
significantly reduces the forgotten
griever pattern and supports
bereaved sibling outcomes.

Practice 3 — The Sibling Memory Practice
What it is: A deliberate practice
of honoring the specific sibling
relationship — maintaining the
deceased sibling’s presence
while honoring the bereaved
sibling’s specific relationship with them.

How to do it: Once each week —
find a genuine moment to invite
the bereaved sibling’s specific memories:

“What do you miss most about [sibling]?”
“Tell me something about [sibling]
that only you would know.”
“What was your favorite thing
to do together?”

Listen genuinely — without redirecting.

Why it works: Research on
continuing bonds and sibling
grief consistently finds that
honoring the specific sibling
relationship — including its
complexity and its love —
significantly supports healthy
sibling grief by maintaining
connection to the deceased
sibling in a way that is specific
to the bereaved sibling’s experience.

The Bottom Line

Sibling grief is one of the
most significant and most frequently
overlooked childhood losses.
Research is clear: bereaved
siblings need explicit individual
acknowledgment; protected parental
time; active prevention of
the forgotten griever pattern;
honoring of the specific sibling
relationship; explicit guilt
addressing; and professional
support when needed.

The bereaved sibling who is
explicitly seen, whose grief
is taken as seriously as the
parents’ grief, whose specific
relationship with the deceased
is honored, and who has protected
individual parental attention —
navigates one of childhood’s
most profound losses in the healthiest possible way.

Sources

Davies, B. (1999).
Shadows in the Sun: The Experiences
of Sibling Bereavement in Childhood.
Brunner/Mazel.

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Silverman, P. R. (2000).
Never Too Young to Know.
Oxford University Press.

Christ, G. H. (2000).
Healing Children’s Grief.
Oxford University Press.