How to Explain Grief to a Child: What the Research Says

Explaining grief to a child is one
of the most challenging conversations
parents face — made more difficult
by the fact that adults are often
grieving themselves, uncertain about
what to say, and worried about saying
the wrong thing. Research on childhood
grief and communication provides specific,
evidence-based guidance about how
to explain grief to children in ways
that are honest, age-appropriate, and genuinely helpful.

This article covers what the research
shows about explaining grief to children —
what children understand at different
ages, how to talk about it, and what
parents can specifically do.

What Children Understand About
Grief at Different Ages

Research on children’s understanding
of death and grief — including work
by Maria Nagy and more recently by
David Schonfeld — identifies developmental
stages in children’s understanding:

Under three years:
No conceptual understanding
of death or grief.
Responsive to changes in
routine and caregiver availability.
May sense and respond to
adult distress without understanding its cause.
Grief expressed through behavior —
regression, clinginess, sleep difficulties.

Ages three to five:
Beginning awareness that death
exists — but limited understanding
of its permanence.
May believe death is reversible —
like sleep or a journey.
Magical thinking — may believe
wishes or thoughts can cause
or reverse death.
Many questions — often the
same questions repeatedly.
Short grief episodes — moving
between sadness and play quickly.

Ages five to seven:
Growing understanding of permanence —
death is final.
Beginning to understand that
death is universal — it happens
to everyone.
May personify death — as
a figure or monster.
More sustained grief responses.
Anxiety about their own death
and the death of other loved ones.

Ages seven to eleven:
Full understanding of death’s
permanence, universality, and biological causation.
More adult-like grief responses.
May seek detailed information
about what happened.
Significant school impact —
difficulty concentrating.
Peer relationships become
important for support.

Adolescents:
Adult-like conceptual understanding
with added existential complexity.
Questions about meaning, fairness, and mortality.
May turn more to peers than parents.
Risk-taking behavior as a
grief response in some.

How to Explain Grief to Children

Research on childhood grief communication
identifies several key principles:

Use the word grief — and explain it.
Research on emotional vocabulary
and grief finds that naming
grief explicitly — and explaining
what it is — significantly
helps children make sense of
what they are experiencing.

Age-appropriate explanations of grief:

For young children:
“Grief is the sad, hard feeling
we get when someone we love
dies. It’s one of the biggest
feelings there is — and it
makes sense that we feel it
when someone very important
to us is gone.”

For school-age children:
“Grief is what we feel when
we lose someone we love —
it’s a mix of many feelings:
sadness, anger, confusion,
missing them. Grief is different
for everyone — and it comes
and goes like waves.”

For adolescents:
“Grief is the natural response
to losing someone we love —
it’s not a weakness or a problem,
it’s what happens when love
has nowhere to go. It looks
different for everyone and
there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”

Explain that grief feels different
for different people. Research
on grief and individual variation
finds that children benefit
from understanding that grief
is not one-size-fits-all:

“Everyone grieves differently —
some people cry a lot, some
people feel angry, some people
feel numb, some people seem
fine on the outside but are
sad inside. None of these
is wrong — they are all ways
of grieving.”

Explain that grief comes in waves.
Research on childhood grief
and the wave-like nature of
grief finds that helping children
understand that grief is not
continuous — that they will
have moments of happiness
even while grieving — reduces
guilt and confusion.

“Grief comes and goes like
waves — sometimes it’s very
big and strong, sometimes
it’s smaller and quieter.
You might feel very sad and
then feel happy a little while
later — and that’s completely
okay. It doesn’t mean you
don’t love or miss [person].”

Explain that grief takes time —
and that it changes. Research
on grief and recovery finds
that helping children understand
that grief is not permanent —
that it will not always feel
this intense — provides important hope.

“Grief doesn’t go away quickly —
and that’s okay. Over time —
not all at once — the really
intense feelings become less
intense. You will always love
and miss [person] — and the
grief will slowly change shape.”

Explain that there is no right
or wrong way to grieve. Research
on grief styles and outcomes
finds that children need explicit
permission to grieve in their
own way — without feeling they
are doing it wrong.

“There is no right or wrong
way to grieve. You might want
to talk about it — or you
might not. You might cry —
or you might not feel like
crying. Whatever feels right
for you is the right way.”

Explain that asking for help
is important. Research on help-seeking
and childhood grief finds that
children benefit from explicit
encouragement to seek support
when they need it.

“If the grief feels very big —
or if you have questions or
feelings you want to talk
about — I’m always here. And
there are also other people
who help children with grief —
counselors and therapists who
are very good at helping with big feelings.”

Answering Common Grief Questions
From Children

Research on children’s grief
questions identifies several common
questions and helpful responses:

“What is death?” — “Death
is when a person’s body stops
working completely — their
heart stops beating, they stop
breathing, they can’t move
or think or feel anymore.
Their body doesn’t work anymore.”

“Why do people die?” — “People
die for different reasons —
sometimes because they are
very old and their body wears
out, sometimes because of
a serious illness, sometimes
because of an accident. Death
is part of life — every living
thing dies eventually.”

“Will I die?” — “Yes — everyone
dies eventually. But you are
young and healthy and you
have a very long life ahead of you.”

“Will you die?” — “I am healthy
and I plan to be here for
a very long time. I will always
do everything I can to be
here for you.”

“Why did [person] die?” —
Answer honestly within the
limits of what is known. It
is okay to say “I don’t know exactly”
or “I’m not sure — and that’s
hard.”

“Is it my fault?” — “Absolutely
not. Nothing you did, thought,
or said caused this. This
is not your fault at all.”

“Where do people go when
they die?” — Share your family’s
genuine beliefs honestly —
or acknowledge uncertainty:
“Different people believe
different things. In our family
we believe [specific belief].
What do you think?”

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Grief Explanation Practice
What it is: A brief age-appropriate
explanation of what grief is —
giving your child a framework
for understanding what they are experiencing.

How to do it: This week find
a calm moment to explain grief
simply and age-appropriately:

For young children: “Grief
is the big sad feeling we
get when someone we love dies.
It’s a very normal feeling
and it makes complete sense.”

For school-age: “Grief is
what we feel when we lose
someone we love — it’s lots
of feelings mixed together,
and it comes and goes like waves.”

Why it works: Research on
emotional vocabulary and grief
consistently finds that children
who have a word and a framework
for what they are experiencing —
who understand that grief is
a normal response to loss —
show significantly better grief
outcomes than those who have
no framework for making sense
of their experience.

Practice 2 — The Wave Explanation
What it is: A specific explanation
of the wave-like nature of
grief — reducing guilt about
moving between sadness and happiness.

How to do it: This week when
your child moves between sadness
and happiness — or when they
seem confused about their emotional
experience — use the wave explanation:

“Grief works like waves —
sometimes a big wave comes
and it feels very sad and
hard. And then the wave gets
smaller for a while. That’s
completely normal — it doesn’t
mean you don’t love [person].”

Why it works: Research on
childhood grief and the wave-like
pattern consistently finds that
children who understand this
pattern — and who have explicit
permission to move between
emotional states — show significantly
less guilt and confusion about their grief.

Practice 3 — The Open Questions Practice
What it is: A deliberate weekly
invitation for grief questions —
building the open communication
that research finds most supportive.

How to do it: Once each week —
in a calm connected moment —
invite questions genuinely:

“Do you have any questions
about [person] dying — or
about grief — that you’d like
to ask me?”
“Is there anything about
what happened that you’re
confused about or want to understand better?”

Answer honestly and patiently —
even if the same questions come up again.

Why it works: Research on
childhood grief and parental
communication consistently finds
that children who have regular
genuine invitations to ask
grief questions — and who receive
honest patient answers — show
significantly better grief outcomes
than those whose questions
are deflected or left unanswered.

The Bottom Line

Explaining grief to a child
requires honest age-appropriate
language, an understanding
of what children can comprehend
at different developmental
stages, and the willingness
to answer difficult questions
patiently and repeatedly.

The research is clear: name
grief directly and explain
what it is; normalize the
wave-like nature of grief;
explicitly permit all emotional
responses; explain that there
is no right or wrong way to
grieve; answer questions honestly
at every age; and maintain
an open door for ongoing questions.

The child who has a framework
for understanding grief — who
knows what it is, why it happens,
and that it is a normal response
to loss — is significantly
better equipped to navigate
their own grief experience.

Sources

Schonfeld, D. J., & Quackenbush, M.
(2010). The Grieving Student.
Paul H. Brookes.

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Silverman, P. R. (2000).
Never Too Young to Know.
Oxford University Press.

Christ, G. H. (2000).
Healing Children’s Grief.
Oxford University Press.