Self-esteem is one of the most discussed concepts
in parenting — and one of the most misunderstood.
The popular version of the concept, which dominated
parenting culture from the 1970s through the 1990s,
suggested that self-esteem was the key to virtually
every positive child outcome, and that the primary
way to build it was through praise — telling children
they were special, talented, and wonderful as often
as possible.
The research that followed this movement produced
findings that surprised many people: the self-esteem
programs and praise-heavy parenting approaches they
generated did not reliably produce the positive
outcomes their proponents predicted. In some cases,
they produced outcomes that were actively counterproductive.
This article covers what self-esteem actually is,
what the research says genuinely builds it, and
what the evidence says does not — and why the
distinction matters.
What Self-Esteem Actually Is
Self-esteem is a person’s overall evaluation of
their own worth — the degree to which they feel
they are a person of value. It is distinct from
self-efficacy — the belief that one can accomplish
specific tasks — and from confidence, which is
context-specific. Self-esteem is a more global
sense of being fundamentally okay as a person.
Research by psychologist Nathaniel Branden, who
popularized the concept in the 1960s and 1970s,
described self-esteem as having two components:
a sense of personal competence and a sense of
personal worth. Both matter. Both develop through
experience and relationship.
Research on self-esteem across subsequent decades
has significantly refined this picture — finding
that self-esteem is more complex than early
formulations suggested, that its relationship
to outcomes is more conditional than was
initially claimed, and that the approaches
that most reliably build it are not the ones
that dominated popular parenting culture.
What Does Not Build Self-Esteem
Before discussing what works, it is worth
being clear about what the research finds
does not work — because it includes several
approaches that remain widely practiced.
Unconditional positive praise. Research
by Roy Baumeister at Florida State University —
one of the most comprehensive reviews of
the self-esteem literature ever conducted —
found that programs designed to boost
children’s self-esteem through positive
affirmation and unconditional praise
did not reliably produce better outcomes.
In some cases, they produced children
with inflated, fragile self-esteem that
crumbled on contact with genuine failure
or criticism.
Empty praise disconnected from actual
performance — “you’re so smart,” “you’re
amazing,” “everything you do is wonderful” —
does not build genuine self-esteem. It
builds a self-concept that is dependent
on external validation and vulnerable
to any evidence that contradicts it.
Protecting children from all failure.
Research on children’s self-esteem
development finds that genuine self-esteem —
the kind that persists through difficulty —
is built through mastery: the experience
of attempting something challenging,
working at it, and succeeding. A child
who is protected from all failure has
no experience of overcoming failure —
which means their self-esteem rests
on a foundation that has never been
tested.
Telling children they are special.
Research on narcissism development
by Eddie Brummelman and colleagues
finds a striking distinction: parental
warmth predicts self-esteem, but
parental overvaluation — telling
children they are more special and
more talented than other children —
predicts narcissism rather than
genuine self-esteem. The child who
is told they are exceptional develops
a fragile superiority that requires
constant external confirmation,
not a stable sense of their own worth.
What Actually Builds Self-Esteem
Genuine, specific, earned praise.
Research by Carol Dweck on mindset
and praise provides some of the
most important findings in this
area. Dweck’s research distinguishes
between ability praise — “you’re
so smart” — and effort praise —
“you worked really hard on that.”
Children who receive ability praise
tend to avoid challenging tasks
where they might fail and reveal
that they are not as smart as
the praise suggested. Children
who receive effort praise tend
to embrace challenging tasks
as opportunities to learn —
because their self-concept is
built on something they can
control, namely their effort,
rather than something fixed
and fragile like their intelligence.
Genuine self-esteem is built
through specific, earned praise
that acknowledges real effort
and real achievement — not
through unconditional positive
regard disconnected from
actual performance.
Mastery experiences. Research
on self-esteem development
consistently identifies mastery —
the experience of attempting
something difficult and succeeding
through genuine effort — as one
of the most reliable builders
of genuine self-esteem. The
self-esteem that comes from
actually doing something hard
is qualitatively different from
the self-esteem that comes from
being told you are wonderful.
This means allowing children
to struggle with age-appropriate
challenges, supporting them
through difficulty without
solving the problem for them,
and celebrating genuine
achievement — not performance,
not compliance, not simply
existing, but real effort
applied to real challenge.
Unconditional love alongside
conditional approval of behavior.
Research on parental acceptance
and self-esteem finds a consistent
pattern: children who feel
unconditionally loved — whose
sense that they are valued as
people is not contingent on
their performance or behavior —
develop more stable self-esteem
than those whose felt worth
is tied to performance.
This is different from
unconditional approval of
behavior. A parent can
disapprove of a specific
behavior while making clear
that the child’s fundamental
worth as a person is not in
question: “What you did was
not okay. You are still my
child and I love you completely.
We need to talk about what
happened.”
The distinction between
“you did something bad”
and “you are bad” is not
just semantic. Research
on shame versus guilt —
including work by June
Tangney — finds that guilt,
which targets the behavior,
is associated with better
moral development and
better outcomes than shame,
which targets the self.
A stable, warm primary
relationship. Research on
the developmental origins
of self-esteem consistently
finds that the quality of
the early parent-child
attachment relationship is
one of the strongest predictors
of self-esteem in childhood
and adolescence. Children
who feel securely attached —
who have experienced reliable,
warm, responsive caregiving —
develop an internal working
model of themselves as worthy
of love and care that persists
across development.
You cannot build self-esteem
in a child through praise alone
if the underlying relationship
does not provide the secure
base from which a positive
self-concept develops.
Contribution and belonging.
Research on self-esteem in
children identifies two
psychological needs —
belonging and significance —
as core drivers of felt worth.
Children who feel they belong
to something — a family, a
community, a peer group —
and who feel that they
contribute something meaningful
to that group show consistently
higher self-esteem than those
who do not.
Practically, this means
giving children genuine
responsibilities within
the family — not token
chores but real contributions
that matter — and ensuring
that each child has at least
one domain in which they
feel genuinely competent
and valued.
The Role of Mistakes and Failure
One of the most counterintuitive
findings in the self-esteem
research is that how parents
respond to children’s mistakes
matters more for self-esteem
development than how they
respond to children’s successes.
Research on parental responses
to failure finds that children
whose parents respond to
mistakes with warmth,
perspective, and encouragement
to try again develop more
stable self-esteem than those
whose parents respond with
disappointment, criticism,
or excessive reassurance.
The parent who says “that
didn’t work out — what do
you think you could try
differently?” is building
more genuine self-esteem
than the parent who says
either “you’re terrible
at this” or “don’t worry,
you’re wonderful anyway.”
Mistakes, handled well,
are some of the most
powerful self-esteem
building experiences
available.
The Bottom Line
Genuine self-esteem is not
built by telling children
they are special. It is
built through the accumulated
experience of being genuinely
loved, of attempting hard
things and succeeding, of
contributing something real,
and of having mistakes met
with warmth and encouragement
rather than shame or hollow
reassurance.
The research is clear:
children do not need to
be told they are wonderful.
They need to experience
themselves as capable —
through real effort, real
challenge, and real
achievement — within the
context of a relationship
that loves them regardless
of the outcome.
That combination — love
without condition, praise
with specificity, challenge
with support — is what
the evidence says builds
the kind of self-esteem
that actually lasts.
Sources
Baumeister, R. F., Campbell,
J. D., Krueger, J. I., &
Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does
high self-esteem cause better
performance, interpersonal
success, happiness, or
healthier lifestyles?
Psychological Science in
the Public Interest, 4(1),
1–44.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset:
The New Psychology of Success.
Random House.
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S.,
Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de
Castro, B., Overbeek, G., &
Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins
of narcissism in children.
Proceedings of the National
Academy of Sciences, 112(12),
3659–3662.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L.
(2002). Shame and Guilt.
Guilford Press.
Harter, S. (1999). The
Construction of the Self.
Guilford Press.
Leave a Reply