How to Help a Child Grieve the Loss of a Grandparent: What the Research Says

The death of a grandparent is frequently
a child’s first experience of significant
loss — and one that parents often
feel unprepared to support effectively.
Research on childhood bereavement finds
that grandparent loss is genuinely
significant for children — not a minor
loss to be quickly moved past — and
that how parents support children
through this loss significantly affects
both immediate coping and long-term
resilience.

This article covers what the research
shows about helping children grieve
the loss of a grandparent — what
children need, what helps, and what
parents can specifically do.

Why Grandparent Loss Matters for Children

Research on childhood bereavement
and grandparent loss finds several
important points:

Grandparent loss is frequently
a child’s first experience of
death. Research finds that for
many children — the loss of
a grandparent is their first
direct experience with death —
and therefore their first experience
with the grief, confusion, and
existential questions that death produces.

The relationship varies enormously.
Research on grandparent-grandchild
relationships finds enormous
variation — from grandparents
who are daily caregivers and
central attachment figures,
to grandparents who are more
distant presences. The child’s
grief will reflect the specific
relationship — and parents
should not assume they know
how significant the loss is
without listening to the child.

Children are often excluded
from the mourning process. Research
on children and funeral participation
finds that children are frequently
excluded from funerals and
mourning rituals around grandparent
death — with adults believing
they are protecting the child.
Research finds this exclusion
frequently increases rather
than reduces the child’s distress.

Grandparent loss affects parents
too. Research on family bereavement
finds that grandparent loss
means that children are grieving
at the same time as their parents —
who are grieving their own
parent. This dual grief can
make parental support more
difficult — and more important.

What Children Need After
Grandparent Loss

Research on childhood bereavement
and grandparent loss identifies
several specific needs:

Honest age-appropriate information.
Research consistently finds
that children who are told
the truth about what happened —
in age-appropriate language —
show significantly better grief
outcomes than those who are
protected from information
or given confusing euphemisms.

Age-appropriate explanations:
Young children (under five):
“Grandma died. That means
her body stopped working completely
and she can’t come back. We
will always love her and miss her.”
School age: More detail about
what happened — appropriate
to the circumstances.
Adolescents: Full honest information
with space for questions.

Permission to feel all emotions.
Research on emotional expression
and bereavement finds that
children need explicit permission
to feel the full range of grief emotions —
sadness, anger, guilt, confusion,
relief, and sometimes happiness.
All are normal responses to loss.

Maintained connection to the
grandparent. Research on continuing
bonds and childhood grief finds
that maintaining connection
to the deceased grandparent —
through memories, photos, stories,
and meaningful objects — significantly
supports healthy grief.

Consistent routines and parental
availability. Research on grief
and security finds that consistent
daily routines and parental
availability are the most important
environmental supports for
grieving children.

How to Talk to Children About
Grandparent Death

Research on parent-child communication
about death identifies several
effective approaches:

Choose a calm private moment.
Research supports telling children
about a grandparent’s death
in a calm private setting —
not in a car, not in a public place.

Use direct clear language.
Research on children’s understanding
of death consistently finds
that direct language — “died,”
“death,” “dead” — is more helpful
than euphemisms that can confuse:

Avoid: “passed away,” “gone
to sleep,” “we lost them.”
Use: “Grandpa died. That
means he is not alive anymore.”

Show your own emotion — appropriately.
Research on parental emotional
expression and childhood grief
finds that parents who show
genuine appropriate emotion —
while remaining available and
functional — help normalize
grief for children. Crying
while telling a child about
a grandparent’s death is not harmful —
it communicates that it is
okay to feel sad about loss.

Answer questions honestly
and patiently. Research finds
that children ask the same
questions repeatedly — processing
gradually. Answer honestly and patiently every time.

Common questions and honest responses:
“Where did Grandma go?” —
“Grandma’s body stopped working
and she died. Different people
believe different things about
what happens after death —
what do you think?” (or share
your family’s beliefs genuinely).
“Will you die?” — “I am
healthy and I plan to be here
for a very long time. Everyone
dies eventually — but I am
not going to die for a long time.”
“Did I cause it?” — “No —
absolutely not. Nothing you
did or thought caused Grandpa to die.”

Whether to Include Children
in Funerals and Mourning Rituals

Research on children’s participation
in funeral rituals and grief outcomes
finds:

Participation — with preparation —
generally helps. Research finds
that children who participate
in funerals — when they have
been prepared for what to expect
and given genuine choice —
show better grief outcomes
than those who are excluded.

Preparation is essential. Research
supports explaining specifically:
What will happen at the funeral.
What the child will see —
including whether there will
be an open casket.
Who will be there.
How people may be feeling and behaving.
That it is okay to cry —
or not to cry.

Give genuine choice. Research
supports giving children —
particularly older children —
genuine choice about whether
to attend. Forced attendance
is not helpful — but neither
is exclusion without offering the choice.

Provide a support person. Research
supports having a specific
adult — not the primary grieving
parent — whose role is to support
the child during the funeral
and to take them out if needed.

Maintaining the Grandparent’s
Memory

Research on continuing bonds
and childhood grief finds that
actively maintaining connection
to the deceased grandparent —
rather than avoiding mention —
significantly supports healthy grief.

Practical ways to maintain the grandparent’s memory:

Telling stories about the grandparent —
regularly and genuinely.
Looking at photos together.
Keeping meaningful objects —
a piece of jewelry, a book
they gave, a favorite item.
Cooking recipes the grandparent loved.
Continuing traditions the
grandparent established.
Visiting the grave or memorial together.
Acknowledging anniversaries
and the grandparent’s birthday.
Making a memory book together.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Memory Sharing Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
practice of sharing memories
of the grandparent — maintaining
the connection that research
finds supports healthy grief.

How to do it: Once each day —
find a genuine moment to share a memory:

“I was thinking about Grandpa
today — do you remember when
he used to [specific memory]?”
“Grandma used to love [specific
thing] — what do you remember about that?”

Invite the child to share
their own memories too — and
listen genuinely.

Why it works: Research on
continuing bonds and childhood
grief consistently finds that
regularly sharing memories
of the deceased grandparent —
maintaining active connection —
significantly supports healthy
grief and reduces the sense
of total loss.

Practice 2 — The Emotion Permission Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
practice of explicitly permitting
all grief emotions — building
the emotional safety that healthy grief requires.

How to do it: This week when
your child shows any emotion
related to the grandparent’s
death — validate it specifically:

Sadness: “Of course you feel
sad — you loved Grandma and
you miss her. That makes complete sense.”
Anger: “It’s completely okay
to feel angry. It’s not fair
that Grandpa died.”
Happiness: “It’s okay to
feel happy sometimes too —
even when we’re sad about Grandma.
She would want you to have happy moments.”
Guilt: “Nothing you did caused
this. Grandpa dying is not your fault — not at all.”

Why it works: Research on
emotional expression and grief
consistently finds that children
who feel genuinely permitted
to express all grief emotions —
without being told how they
should feel — show significantly
healthier grief trajectories.

Practice 3 — The Memory Object Practice
What it is: A deliberate creation
of a meaningful memory connection —
a specific object or ritual
that maintains the grandparent’s presence.

How to do it: Together with
your child this week — choose
one meaningful way to maintain connection:

A photo of the grandparent
displayed in the child’s room.
A meaningful object that
belonged to the grandparent.
A memory box — filled with
photos and mementos.
A recipe book of the grandparent’s
favorite recipes.

Involve the child in choosing
and creating.

Why it works: Research on
continuing bonds and childhood
grief consistently finds that
specific, tangible connections
to the deceased — objects,
photos, meaningful items —
significantly support healthy
grief by maintaining felt connection
to the person who has died.

The Bottom Line

Grandparent loss is a significant
experience for children — frequently
their first encounter with
death — and one that deserves
genuine support rather than
minimization.

The research is clear: honest
age-appropriate communication
about what happened; permission
for all emotions; maintained
connection through memory and
meaningful objects; consistent
routines and parental availability;
and — where possible — inclusion
in mourning rituals — together
provide the most important
support for a child grieving
a grandparent.

The child whose grandparent’s
death is taken seriously —
whose grief is fully validated,
whose connection to the grandparent
is actively maintained, and
who has a warm available parent —
moves through this first significant
loss in the healthiest possible way.

Sources

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Schonfeld, D. J., & Quackenbush, M.
(2010). The Grieving Student.
Paul H. Brookes.

Silverman, P. R., & Klass, D.
(1996). Continuing Bonds.
Taylor & Francis.

Christ, G. H. (2000).
Healing Children’s Grief.
Oxford University Press.