How to Help a Child Deal With Loss: What the Research Says

Loss is one of the most universal
and most challenging human experiences —
and children face many forms of loss
throughout childhood. The death of
a loved one is the most significant —
but children also experience the loss
of relationships through divorce,
the loss of friendships, the loss
of a beloved pet, the loss of a home
through moving, and the loss of a
familiar life through family change.
Research on childhood loss consistently
finds that how adults support children
through loss significantly shapes
both immediate coping and long-term resilience.

This article covers what the research
shows about helping children deal
with loss — across different types
of loss, at different ages, and with
what specific parental approaches.

Understanding Loss in Childhood

Research on childhood loss — including
work by Kenneth Doka at the Graduate
School of Union University on disenfranchised
grief — finds that children experience
genuine grief in response to many
types of loss — not only death:

Loss through death — of a
parent, grandparent, sibling,
friend, or pet.

Loss through separation —
parental divorce or separation,
moving away from friends or
family, a parent’s incarceration or deployment.

Loss of a pet — research finds
that children’s grief for pets
is genuine and significant —
and is frequently minimized
by adults in ways that are not helpful.

Loss through change — moving
to a new home, changing schools,
a sibling leaving for college,
significant family change.

Loss of a relationship —
the end of a close friendship,
estrangement from a family member.

Research finding: research
on disenfranchised grief finds
that losses that are not socially
recognized as significant —
pet loss, friendship loss,
moving loss — can produce genuine
grief that is complicated by
the lack of social acknowledgment.
Validating all losses — not
only death — is important.

How Children Experience Loss
at Different Ages

Research on childhood loss and
development finds characteristic
responses at different ages:

Young children (under five):
Limited cognitive understanding
of permanence — may not fully
understand that a loss is permanent.
Expressed primarily through
behavior rather than words —
regression, clinginess, sleep difficulties.
Particularly affected by disruption
to routine and caregiver availability.
May ask apparently callous
questions — “can we get another
dog?” — which reflect cognitive
limitation rather than lack of feeling.

School-age children (six to twelve):
Growing understanding of permanence
and causation.
More adult-like emotional responses —
sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety.
Significant school impact —
difficulty concentrating, declining performance.
Peer relationships become
important — may turn to friends for support.
May try to protect parents
from their own grief — appearing
fine while struggling internally.

Adolescents:
Adult-like understanding of
loss — with added existential complexity.
More likely to turn to peers
than parents.
Risk-taking behavior as a
response to loss.
Strong need for autonomy
in how they grieve — may resist
parental approaches.
Social media adds a public
dimension to grief — memorials,
public expressions of grief online.

What the Research Shows Helps

Acknowledge the loss genuinely
and specifically. Research on
loss and validation finds that
explicitly acknowledging the
loss — naming it, recognizing
its significance — is the most
important first response.

“I know how much you loved
[pet/friend/home] — and losing
them is really hard.”
“This is a real loss — and
it makes sense that you’re sad.”

Research finding: minimizing
loss — “you’ll make new friends,”
“we can get another pet” —
before acknowledging the significance
of the current loss is one
of the most common and most
unhelpful adult responses.

Validate all emotional responses.
Research on emotional validation
and loss consistently finds
that children need permission
to feel the full range of loss-related
emotions — sadness, anger,
guilt, relief, anxiety, and
sometimes happiness.

“It’s okay to feel angry
about this.”
“It’s okay to miss them and
also feel relieved sometimes.”
“All your feelings make sense.”

Maintain consistent routines.
Research on loss and routine
finds that consistent daily
routines — maintained through
periods of loss — provide the
structure and predictability
that children in loss particularly need.

Be genuinely present and available.
Research on attachment and
loss finds that the quality
and availability of the primary
caregiver is the most important
factor in children’s loss outcomes.
Children need to know that
their remaining attachment figures
are present, available, and
will not also disappear.

Answer questions honestly
and age-appropriately. Research
on children’s loss questions
finds that children need honest,
age-appropriate answers — and
that they frequently ask the
same questions repeatedly as
they process the loss gradually.

Allow children to grieve in
their own way and at their
own pace. Research on grief
styles and outcomes finds that
children — like adults — grieve
in different ways. Some children
grieve openly and expressively —
others grieve more privately
and quietly. Both are valid.
Imposing a particular grieving
style — insisting on visible
emotional expression or insisting
on moving on — is not helpful.

Create meaningful rituals.
Research on ritual and loss
finds that meaningful rituals —
ways of marking and honoring
the loss — significantly support
healthy grief processing.

Rituals for different types of loss:
Pet loss — a burial or memorial,
a photo display, a book of memories.
Friendship loss — a final
meeting or letter, keeping
a memento.
Moving loss — a goodbye ritual,
photos of the old home, staying connected with old friends.

Maintain connection where possible.
Research on continuing bonds
and loss finds that maintaining
connection — through memories,
photos, ongoing contact where
possible — significantly supports
healthy loss processing.

Specific Types of Loss

Pet loss. Research on pet loss
and childhood grief — including
work by Barbara Meyers at the
Argus Institute — finds that
children’s grief for pets is
genuine, significant, and frequently
underestimated by adults. Research supports:

Taking the loss seriously —
not minimizing or immediately
suggesting a replacement.
Age-appropriate honest explanation
of what happened.
A meaningful goodbye ritual.
Allowing time to grieve before
considering a new pet.

Moving and school change. Research
on relocation and childhood
loss finds that moving — particularly
school change — is a significant
loss for children that produces
genuine grief responses. Research supports:

Acknowledging the loss genuinely.
Maintaining contact with
previous friends.
Creating a positive goodbye ritual.
Supporting the process of
making new connections — without
pressuring premature cheerfulness.

Friendship loss. Research on
friendship loss and childhood
grief finds that the end of
a close childhood friendship —
through conflict, moving, or
natural drift — can produce
genuine grief that adults frequently
minimize. Research supports:

Taking the loss seriously.
Allowing the child to grieve
the friendship.
Not immediately suggesting
they will make new friends
before acknowledging the current loss.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Loss Acknowledgment Practice
What it is: A deliberate explicit
acknowledgment of your child’s
loss — before any reframing
or problem-solving.

How to do it: This week when
your child shows distress about
a loss — practice explicit acknowledgment first:

“I know how much you loved
[specific person/pet/place/friendship].”
“Losing them is really hard —
and it makes complete sense
that you’re sad.”
“This is a real loss.”

Then wait — and listen.

Why it works: Research on
loss and validation consistently
finds that explicit acknowledgment
of the significance of the
loss — before any reframing
or problem-solving — is the
most important first response
and the one that most supports
healthy grief processing.

Practice 2 — The Ritual Creation
What it is: A deliberate creation
of a meaningful ritual to mark
and honor the loss — supporting
healthy grief processing.

How to do it: Together with
your child this week — create
one meaningful ritual to honor the loss:

A small memorial or display.
A memory book or box.
A special outing to honor the memory.
A letter to the person or
pet who is gone.
A tree or plant planted in their memory.

Involve your child in the creation.

Why it works: Research on
ritual and loss consistently
finds that meaningful rituals —
ways of marking, honoring,
and remembering — significantly
support healthy grief processing
by providing a concrete, active
way to express and contain grief.

Practice 3 — The Ongoing Connection Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
or weekly practice of maintaining
connection — through memory,
story, or ongoing contact —
supporting the continuing bond that research finds helpful.

How to do it: Once each week —
find a genuine moment to maintain connection:

Share a memory of the person
or pet who is gone.
Look at photos together.
Write a letter to a friend
who has moved away.
Contact previous friends or
family through video call.

Why it works: Research on
continuing bonds and childhood
loss consistently finds that
maintaining connection — through
memory, ritual, and ongoing
contact where possible — significantly
supports healthy loss processing
and reduces the sense of total
and irrecoverable loss.

The Bottom Line

Children experience genuine
grief in response to many forms
of loss — not only death. How
the adults around them respond
significantly shapes whether
that grief is healthy or complicated.

The research is clear: acknowledge
the loss genuinely and specifically;
validate all emotional responses;
maintain consistent routines;
be genuinely present and available;
answer questions honestly; allow
children to grieve in their
own way; create meaningful rituals;
and maintain connection where possible.

The child whose losses are
taken seriously — whose grief
is fully validated, whose connection
to what is lost is maintained,
and who has a consistently
warm and available caregiver —
develops the genuine resilience
that healthy loss processing produces.

Sources

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Doka, K. J. (2002).
Disenfranchised Grief.
Lexington Books.

Silverman, P. R., & Klass, D.
(1996). Introduction: What’s
the problem? In D. Klass,
P. R. Silverman, & S. L. Nickman (Eds.),
Continuing Bonds. Taylor & Francis.

Schonfeld, D. J., & Quackenbush, M.
(2010). The Grieving Student.
Paul H. Brookes.