My Child Is Bullying at School: What the Research Says

Finding out that your child is bullying
at school is one of the most difficult
things a parent can hear. The immediate
reactions — shock, disbelief, shame,
defensiveness — are all understandable.
But research on bullying perpetration
and intervention is clear: how parents
respond in the first days and weeks
significantly affects whether the
bullying stops and whether lasting
change occurs.

This article covers what the research
shows about responding when your child
is bullying at school — what this
behavior communicates, what works,
and what parents can specifically do.

What It Means When Your Child
Is Bullying at School

Research on bullying perpetration
consistently finds that bullying
at school is not simply “bad behavior” —
it is behavior that communicates
something about what the child is
experiencing, needing, or struggling with.

Common underlying factors research identifies:

Social struggles. Research finds
that many children who bully
are navigating their own social
difficulties — struggling to
find their place in peer hierarchies,
feeling insecure about their
social status, or using bullying
as a strategy for establishing
social dominance.

Difficulties at home. Research
on family factors and bullying
perpetration finds that children
experiencing significant stress
at home — family conflict,
instability, harsh parenting —
show elevated rates of bullying
at school. School bullying can
be an expression of distress
that originates at home.

Having been bullied themselves.
Research finds that a significant
proportion of children who
bully have themselves been
bullied — either currently
or previously. Bullying can
be a response to the powerlessness
of being victimized.

Poor emotional regulation.
Research on self-regulation
and bullying finds that children
with poor impulse control and
poor emotional regulation are
at elevated risk of bullying —
because they respond to frustration,
perceived disrespect, and social
threat with aggression rather
than more regulated responses.

Peer group influences. Research
on peer group dynamics and
bullying finds that peer groups
that model, encourage, or reward
bullying behavior significantly
increase individual bullying risk.

How to Respond Effectively

Take it seriously — without
overreacting. Research on parental
response and bullying change
finds that the most effective
initial response is calm seriousness —
taking the report genuinely
seriously without catastrophizing
or dismissing.

“I’ve heard something serious
about what has been happening
at school — I need to talk
with you about it.”

Not: immediate punishment.
Not: “that doesn’t sound
like my child.”

Have a genuine conversation —
listen before responding. Research
on behavioral change and parental
engagement finds that genuinely
understanding what is driving
the bullying — before imposing
consequences — produces significantly
better outcomes.

Questions that build understanding:
“Tell me what has been happening
between you and [child].”
“How did this start?”
“What’s been going on for
you at school lately?”
“Is anything difficult happening
that I should know about?”

Listen genuinely — without
immediately defending the other
child or imposing consequences.

Build genuine empathy for
the child being bullied. Research
on empathy and bullying cessation
consistently finds that helping
the child who is bullying genuinely
understand the impact of their
behavior — in specific, human
terms — is one of the most
effective interventions.

“I want you to think specifically
about [child]. What do you
think it is like for them
to come to school each day?”
“How do you think they feel
when this happens?”
“What do you think this is
doing to them?”

Give genuine time — this is
not rhetorical. Research finds
that genuine perspective-taking —
when the child is calm and
engaged — produces real empathy development.

Apply clear, consistent consequences.
Research on consequences and
bullying cessation finds that
clear, consistent, proportionate
consequences — applied calmly
and every time — are more effective
than severe one-time consequences.
Consequences that include making
amends — apology, restitution —
produce better outcomes than
purely punitive consequences.

Collaborate with school —
not defensively. Research on
school-home collaboration and
bullying outcomes finds that
parents who work collaboratively
with school — taking the school’s
report seriously, asking what
they can do at home to support,
following up regularly — produce
significantly better outcomes
than parents who respond defensively.

“I take this seriously and
I want to work with you to
address it. What can I do
at home to support what you
are doing at school?”

Address the underlying causes.
Research on bullying perpetration
and lasting change finds that
addressing only the bullying
behavior — without addressing
what is driving it — produces
limited and temporary improvement.

Questions to honestly consider:
Is my child experiencing something
difficult — socially, academically, at home?
Is my child’s peer group contributing?
Does my child need support
with emotional regulation,
empathy, or social skills?
Are there family factors that
may be contributing?

Monitor consistently and follow up.
Research on bullying relapse
finds that bullying frequently
recurs without consistent monitoring.
Regular check-ins with both
the child and school are essential:

Weekly genuine conversation
with your child about how
things are going with peers.
Regular communication with
school about whether the behavior has changed.
Clear, consistent consequences
if bullying continues.

What to Avoid

Dismissing or minimizing. Research
on parental minimization and
bullying outcomes consistently
finds that parents who dismiss
school reports — “my child
would never do that,” “the
other child probably provoked
it” — allow bullying to continue
and worsen.

Responding with shame. Research
on shame and behavioral change
finds that attacking the child’s
character — “I am ashamed of
you,” “you are a bully” —
produces defensive anger without
genuine empathy or behavioral change.

Harsh punishment without understanding.
Research finds that harsh punishment —
without genuine engagement with
what is driving the behavior —
produces short-term compliance
and long-term resentment.

Blaming the target. Research
finds that parents who suggest
the targeted child caused or
deserved the bullying — however
subtly — model the attitude
that drives bullying and prevent genuine accountability.

Professional Support

Research on bullying perpetration
and intervention supports seeking
professional support when:

Bullying is severe, persistent,
or not responding to consistent parental intervention.

Bullying is part of a broader
pattern of behavioral difficulty.

The child is experiencing significant
social, emotional, or academic difficulties.

You suspect underlying conditions —
ADHD, emotional regulation difficulties —
are contributing.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Understanding Conversation
What it is: A calm, genuine
conversation focused on understanding
what is driving the bullying —
before consequences or lectures.

How to do it: Find a calm
moment this week — not in
the immediate heat of discovery —
and have a genuine conversation:

“I want to understand what
has been happening — tell me.”
“What has been going on
for you at school lately?”
“Is there anything difficult
that I should know about?”

Listen before responding.

Why it works: Research on
parental engagement and behavioral
change consistently finds that
genuine understanding — before
consequences — produces significantly
better and more lasting behavioral
change than immediate punishment without understanding.

Practice 2 — The Empathy Exercise
What it is: A deliberate, specific
perspective-taking exercise —
in a calm moment — building
the genuine empathy that sustained
behavioral change requires.

How to do it: When your child
is calm and genuinely engaged —
ask specifically:

“I want you to really think
about [child’s name]. What
do you think it is like for
them to come to school right now?”
“Close your eyes — what do
you think they feel when [specific incident] happens?”
“What do you think this is
doing to them — to their confidence,
to their friendships, to how
they feel about school?”

Give genuine time. Don’t rush to the answer.

Why it works: Research on
empathy and bullying cessation
consistently finds that genuine,
specific perspective-taking —
building real empathy for the
specific person being harmed —
produces significantly more
lasting behavioral change than
consequences alone.

Practice 3 — The School Collaboration Step
What it is: A concrete step
toward genuine collaboration
with school — building the
partnership that produces the
best outcomes.

How to do it: This week contact
school — proactively and collaboratively:

“I wanted to reach out proactively
about what I’ve heard regarding
[child’s] behavior. I take
this seriously and I want
to work with you. What steps
is the school taking and what
can I do at home to support?”

Follow up regularly.

Why it works: Research on
school-home collaboration and
bullying perpetration outcomes
consistently finds that parents
who engage proactively and
collaboratively with school —
rather than defensively — produce
significantly better and more
lasting behavioral change in
their children.

The Bottom Line

A child who is bullying at
school is not a bad child —
they are a child showing a
behavior that has identifiable
causes and that responds to
genuine parental engagement,
empathy building, consistent
consequences, and addressing
the underlying factors that
are driving the behavior.

The research is clear: take
it seriously without shame;
listen to understand before
imposing consequences; build
genuine empathy for the target;
apply consistent proportionate
consequences; collaborate genuinely
with school; and address the
underlying factors. Children
who bully can and do change —
with the right support and
the right response.

Sources

Olweus, D. (1993).
Bullying at School. Blackwell.

Espelage, D. L., & Swearer, S. M.
(2003). Research on school bullying
and victimization.
School Psychology Review,
32(3), 365–383.

Juvonen, J., & Graham, S. (2014).
Bullying in schools: The power
of bullies and the plight of victims.
Annual Review of Psychology,
65, 159–185.

Patterson, G. R. (1982).
Coercive Family Process.
Castalia Publishing.