Death is one of the topics parents most dread discussing
with their children — and one of the most important to
get right. Most parents know they should say something
when death enters their child’s life. Few know exactly
what to say, when to say it, or how to say it in a way
that genuinely helps rather than frightens or confuses.
The research on children’s understanding of death and
on what helps them process loss is more specific and
more actionable than most parents realize. This article
covers what the evidence shows about talking to children
about death at every age — and what the most common
mistakes are, so you can avoid them.
Why Talking About Death Matters
Many parents instinctively try to protect children from
death — through euphemism, avoidance, or delaying the
conversation until the child is “old enough.” Research
consistently finds that this approach backfires.
Research by developmental pediatrician David Schonfeld
at USC — one of the leading researchers in childhood
bereavement — finds that children who receive honest,
age-appropriate information about death show better
long-term adjustment than those who are protected
from the truth through euphemism or avoidance.
The reason is trust: children whose parents are
honest with them about hard things develop a
greater sense of security in the relationship,
even when — especially when — the truth is difficult.
Children are also more aware than parents typically
realize. Research on children’s awareness of death
finds that children pick up on adult emotional
states, on overheard conversations, on the absence
of a person who was previously present — and that
the confusion of not being told what is happening
is often more frightening than honest information
would be.
What Children Understand About Death at Different Ages
Children’s understanding of death develops gradually
across childhood. Research by developmental
psychologists Mark Speece and Sandor Brent identifies
four components of a mature understanding of death
that develop over time:
Universality — the understanding that all living
things die. Most children begin to grasp this
between ages five and seven.
Irreversibility — the understanding that death
is permanent. This is often the last component
to fully develop, and is frequently incomplete
in children under six.
Non-functionality — the understanding that all
bodily functions cease at death. A child who asks
whether a dead grandparent is cold or hungry is
still developing this understanding.
Causality — the understanding that death has
biological causes. Young children often attribute
death to external, avoidable causes rather than
biological inevitability.
Understanding where your child is in this
developmental sequence helps you calibrate
what to say and how to say it.
Birth to Three: Words Are Not the Primary Tool
Children under three cannot understand an
explanation of death. They do not yet process
language at the level required to make sense
of permanent absence. What they understand is
routine, the emotional climate of the home,
and the consistent availability of their
primary caregiver.
What helps at this age is not what you say
but what you do: maintaining predictable
routines, managing your own emotional state
with adequate support so you can remain
a calm presence for your child, and providing
extra physical closeness and warmth during
a period of family grief.
Three to Six: Simple, Honest, and Concrete
Between three and six, children have language
but limited cognitive capacity for abstraction.
They cannot fully process the concept of
permanent absence, and they are vulnerable
to magical thinking — the belief that their
own thoughts, wishes, or behavior caused
the death.
What to say: simple, concrete, honest language.
Use the word “died” — not “passed away,”
“went to sleep,” “we lost them,” or “gone
to a better place.” These euphemisms, however
kindly intended, consistently produce
confusion and anxiety. A child told that
Grandpa “went to sleep” may develop a
genuine fear of sleep.
“Grandpa died. That means his body stopped
working and he is not coming back. We miss
him and we love him.”
Say it simply. Say it more than once.
Use the same words each time.
Also address the self-blame that is
developmentally common at this age,
directly and proactively: “Nothing you
thought, wished, or did caused this.
Deaths happen because of things that
happen inside people’s bodies.”
Six to Nine: Real Questions Deserve Real Answers
Between six and nine, children have developed
a much more complete understanding of death —
and with that understanding comes the
emotional weight of really knowing that
death is permanent.
Children this age will ask real questions
and deserve real answers: what dying
looks like, what happens to the body,
whether you will die, whether they will
die. Research consistently supports
answering these questions honestly and
age-appropriately rather than deflecting.
“Yes, everyone dies. Most people live
for a very long time. I plan to be here
for a very long time. And if anything
ever happened to me, you would be
taken care of by people who love you.”
Do not promise you will not die.
A child who is later told a parent
is seriously ill, after being promised
otherwise, loses trust at the worst
possible moment.
At this age, children also benefit
from concrete rituals of remembrance —
looking at photographs, talking about
memories, keeping something that
belonged to the person who died.
Nine to Twelve: Honest Conversations About the Bigger Questions
Between nine and twelve, children are
capable of genuine philosophical engagement
with death — questions about what happens
after death, about the meaning of life,
about fairness and loss. These questions
deserve genuine engagement rather than
deflection.
“What do you think happens after we die?”
is often as valuable a response as a
direct answer — it opens a conversation
rather than closing one, and it respects
the child’s own developing thinking
about enormous questions.
Share your own beliefs and uncertainties
honestly: “In our family, we believe…
I also don’t know for certain. Nobody
does. What do you think?”
The Most Common Mistakes
Using euphemisms. “Passed away,” “went
to sleep,” “we lost them,” “gone” —
these phrases consistently produce
confusion and anxiety in young children
and should be replaced with the honest
word: died.
Avoiding the topic entirely. Children
who are not told what happened are left
to fill in the gap with imagination —
which is usually more frightening than
the truth.
Saying “they are in a better place”
as a substitute for honest information.
If your family holds this belief, you
can share it — alongside honest
information about what death means:
“Grandma died. In our family, we
believe she is with God now. We miss
her and we love her.”
Telling the child not to be sad.
Grief is the appropriate response
to loss. A child who is told not
to be sad learns that their grief
is wrong — which adds the additional
pain of emotional isolation to the
already difficult experience of loss.
Waiting until the child asks.
Many children never ask directly
about a death they know has happened —
out of a desire to protect the parent,
out of shame, or out of not having
the words. Waiting for the child
to initiate means many children
never receive the conversation
they need.
What Helps Most
Research on children’s grief consistently
identifies the same factors that help most:
Honest, age-appropriate information
about what happened — using the word
“died” and explaining what it means
in language the child can understand.
Permission to feel whatever they feel —
sadness, anger, confusion, relief,
even laughter — without any of those
feelings being corrected or redirected.
Consistent, warm adult presence —
a parent or caregiver who does not
look away, who stays present through
the difficult conversations, and who
models their own grief honestly
and age-appropriately.
Maintained routines — the predictability
of daily life is genuinely regulating
for children during a period of grief,
and protecting routines where possible
provides an anchor during instability.
Memory practices — talking about the
person who died, keeping photographs,
telling stories — research on continuing
bonds theory finds that maintaining
an ongoing connection to the memory
of someone who has died is associated
with better long-term grief outcomes
than attempting to “move on.”
The Bottom Line
Talking to children about death is
one of the hardest things parents do —
and one of the most important. The
research is clear that honest,
age-appropriate conversation produces
better outcomes than euphemism,
avoidance, or delay.
Use the word “died.” Answer the
questions that are asked. Sit with
the feelings that arise. Keep the
memory alive.
There is no perfect thing to say
to a grieving child. What matters
most is not the specific words but
the consistent, warm, honest presence
of a parent who does not look away.
Sources
Schonfeld, D. J., & Demaria, T.
(2016). Supporting the grieving
child and family. Pediatrics,
138(3).
Speece, M. W., & Brent, S. B. (1996).
The development of children’s
understanding of death. In C. A.
Corr & D. M. Corr (Eds.), Handbook
of Childhood Death and Bereavement.
Springer.
Silverman, P. R., & Worden, J. W.
(1992). Children’s reactions in
the early months after the death
of a parent. American Journal of
Orthopsychiatry, 62(1), 93–104.
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., &
Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996).
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings
of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
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