How to Help a Child With Grief and Anger: What the Research Says

Anger is one of the most common —
and most misunderstood — grief responses
in children. When a child becomes
angry, aggressive, or defiant after
a significant loss, the connection
to grief is frequently missed — by
parents who respond to the behavior
rather than the underlying grief,
and by children who do not understand
why they feel so angry. Research on
grief and anger in children provides
specific, evidence-based guidance about
what drives grief-related anger and
what genuinely helps.

This article covers what the research
shows about helping children with
grief and anger — why grief produces
anger, what grief anger looks like,
and what parents can specifically do.

Why Grief Produces Anger

Research on grief and emotional responses —
including work by William Worden at
Harvard and Colin Murray Parkes at
St Christopher’s Hospice — identifies
several specific reasons why grief
frequently produces anger:

Anger at the perceived injustice
of the loss. Research on moral
development and grief finds
that children — who have a
strong sense of fairness —
frequently experience death
as profoundly unfair. The anger
is a response to the injustice
of losing someone they love —
“it’s not fair that [person]
died.”

Anger at the deceased for leaving.
Research on grief and ambivalence
finds that bereaved children
frequently feel angry at the
person who died — for leaving
them, for causing this pain.
This anger frequently feels
shameful and confusing to children —
and requires explicit normalization.

Anger at perceived abandonment.
Research on attachment and
grief finds that children —
for whom attachment figures
are the source of safety —
can experience the death of
an attachment figure as abandonment.
The anger is a response to
the felt abandonment.

Anger as a less vulnerable
emotion than sadness. Research
on emotional regulation and
grief finds that anger frequently
serves as a protection against
the vulnerability of sadness —
particularly in boys and in
children who have learned
that sadness is not safe to express.
Anger feels more powerful and
less exposed than sadness.

Anger at God or the universe.
Research on spiritual grief
finds that bereaved children
frequently feel angry at God,
fate, or the universe for
allowing the death to happen.

Anger displaced onto available
targets. Research on anger
displacement and grief finds
that grief-related anger is
frequently displaced onto available
targets — the surviving parent,
siblings, peers, or teachers —
because the actual target of
the anger — the deceased, God,
fate — is not available.

What Grief Anger Looks Like
in Children

Research on grief and behavioral
presentation identifies several
characteristic presentations:

Increased irritability and
emotional reactivity. Research
finds that bereaved children
frequently show elevated irritability —
reacting more intensely to
minor frustrations — as grief-related
anger finds expression in
day-to-day interactions.

Outbursts that seem disproportionate
to the trigger. Research on
grief anger and behavioral
expression finds that grief-related
anger frequently erupts in
response to apparently minor
triggers — because the anger
is not really about the trigger
but about the loss.

Directed anger at the surviving
parent. Research on grief anger
and family dynamics finds that
bereaved children frequently
direct their grief anger most
intensely at the surviving
parent — because the surviving
parent is the most available
and most trusted target. This
is an expression of trust —
however painful it feels.

Aggressive behavior toward
siblings or peers. Research
finds that bereaved children
may show elevated aggression
toward siblings and peers —
as displaced grief anger.

Defiance and oppositional behavior.
Research on grief and behavioral
response finds that bereaved
children — particularly adolescents —
may show increased defiance
and oppositional behavior as
a grief response.

Anger about limits and rules.
Research finds that bereaved
children sometimes experience
anger at limits and rules with
particular intensity — because
grief makes the world feel
fundamentally unfair, and limits
feel like further injustice.

What the Research Shows Helps

Recognize the anger as grief —
and respond to the grief. Research
on grief anger and effective
parental response finds that
the most important first step
is recognizing the behavioral
anger as grief — and responding
to the underlying grief rather
than only to the surface behavior.

“I can see you’re really angry.
And I wonder if some of that
anger is about missing [person].”

After safety is ensured —
respond to the grief rather
than only the behavior.

Normalize anger as a grief response.
Research on emotional normalization
and grief finds that explicitly
normalizing anger as a grief
response — communicating that
anger is a normal part of
grief — significantly reduces
the shame and confusion that
grief anger produces.

“It’s completely okay to
feel angry that [person] died.
Anger is one of the feelings
that grief brings — and it
makes sense.”
“A lot of people feel angry
when someone they love dies —
it’s a normal part of grieving.”

Normalize anger at the deceased.
Research on ambivalent grief
emotions finds that normalizing
anger at the deceased — one
of the most shameful and confusing
grief emotions — is particularly important.

“It’s okay to feel angry
at [person] for dying — even
though you love them. A lot
of people feel angry at the
person who died. That doesn’t
mean you don’t love them.”

Provide safe physical outlets
for anger. Research on physical
expression and grief anger
finds that providing safe physical
outlets — for the genuine physiological
activation of anger — significantly
helps grieving children manage
grief anger.

Safe outlets:
Physical activity — running,
swimming, sports.
A designated pillow or cushion
to hit.
Scrunching and throwing paper.
Vigorous physical play.

Stay regulated yourself. Research
on parental regulation and
child anger consistently finds
that parental calm during grief
anger episodes is the most
powerful de-escalation tool.
Parental anger in response
to grief anger amplifies rather
than reduces it.

Maintain consistent warm limits.
Research on limits and bereaved
children finds that maintaining
consistent warm limits — holding
behavioral limits calmly —
is important even while responding
to the grief underlying the anger.
Consistency communicates care
and safety — not rejection.

Validate the anger — address
the behavior. Research on emotion
coaching and grief anger finds
that validating the anger before
addressing the behavior produces
significantly better outcomes
than only responding to the behavior:

“I understand you’re really
angry — that makes sense.
And hitting is still not okay.
What could help with the anger?”

What Does Not Help

Responding only to the behavior —
without acknowledging the grief.
Research consistently finds
that responding only to grief
anger as behavioral difficulty —
without recognizing and acknowledging
the underlying grief — produces
escalation without resolution.

Telling the child they should
not feel angry. Research on
emotional dismissal and grief
finds that telling bereaved
children they should not feel
angry — “you shouldn’t be
angry,” “they wouldn’t want
you to be angry” — invalidates
a genuine grief emotion and
produces shame without resolution.

Harsh consequences during
grief anger. Research on harsh
discipline and bereaved children
finds that harsh consequences —
particularly during grief anger
episodes — produce resentment
and withdrawal rather than
behavioral change.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Grief Anger Recognition Practice
What it is: A deliberate practice
of recognizing behavioral anger
as potential grief expression —
and responding to both.

How to do it: This week when
your child shows intense behavioral
anger — pause before responding
and ask internally:

“Is this grief? Is this anger
about [person’s] death?”

Then respond to both — the
behavior and the grief:
“I can see you’re really angry.
And I wonder if some of this
is about missing [person].
Anger makes sense — and [behavior]
is still not okay.”

Why it works: Research on
grief anger and parental response
consistently finds that recognizing
and naming the grief underneath
the anger — rather than responding
only to the surface behavior —
produces significantly better
emotional outcomes for bereaved children.

Practice 2 — The Anger Normalization Practice
What it is: A deliberate normalization
of anger as a grief response —
reducing the shame and confusion
that grief anger produces.

How to do it: This week find
a calm moment — not during
an anger episode — to normalize
grief anger explicitly:

“I want to tell you something —
feeling angry is one of the
normal feelings that comes
with grief. It’s okay to
feel angry that [person] died.
A lot of people feel angry
when someone they love dies.”

Why it works: Research on
emotional normalization and
grief anger consistently finds
that explicit normalization —
delivered in a calm moment —
significantly reduces the shame
and confusion that grief anger
produces and increases bereaved
children’s capacity to recognize
and manage their own anger.

Practice 3 — The Safe Outlet Practice
What it is: A deliberate provision
of a specific safe physical
outlet for grief anger — meeting
the physical discharge need
that anger produces.

How to do it: Together with
your child this week — identify
and set up one safe physical outlet:

A designated pillow for hitting.
Access to physical activity
when anger is high.
Paper for scrunching and throwing.

Introduce it genuinely:
“When you feel really angry —
you can use this. It’s okay
to need somewhere for the anger to go.”

Why it works: Research on
physical expression and grief
anger consistently finds that
safe physical outlets — that
meet the genuine physiological
activation of anger — significantly
help bereaved children manage
grief anger without directing
it toward people or property.

The Bottom Line

Anger is a normal, common,
and frequently misunderstood
grief response in children.
Research is clear: recognize
behavioral anger as potential
grief expression; respond to
both the grief and the behavior;
normalize anger — including
anger at the deceased — explicitly;
provide safe physical outlets;
stay regulated; and maintain
consistent warm limits.

The bereaved child whose anger
is recognized as grief, whose
anger is normalized rather
than shamed, and who has safe
outlets for the physical reality
of anger — moves through grief
anger in significantly healthier
ways than one whose anger
is met only with behavioral consequences.

Sources

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Parkes, C. M. (1996).
Bereavement: Studies of Grief
in Adult Life.
Routledge.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J.
(1997). Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Christ, G. H. (2000).
Healing Children’s Grief.
Oxford University Press.