Making friends is one of the most important developmental
tasks of childhood — and one of the most painful to watch
when it is not going well. A child who struggles socially,
who comes home from school saying they have no one to play
with, or who is repeatedly excluded from peer groups, is
experiencing something that parents often feel powerless
to help with.
The research on children’s friendship development is more
specific and more actionable than most parenting advice
suggests. This article covers what the evidence says about
how children make friends, what gets in the way, and what
parents can specifically do to help.
Why Friendships Matter So Much
Before discussing how to help, it is worth being clear
about why peer friendships matter — because the research
on this is striking.
Research by developmental psychologist Willard Hartup
at the University of Minnesota — one of the most
comprehensive reviews of children’s friendship research
ever conducted — found that having friends in childhood
predicts significantly better outcomes across multiple
domains: academic achievement, emotional wellbeing,
self-esteem, and the quality of adult relationships.
The effect is independent of the quality of the
parent-child relationship — meaning that peer
friendships add something that family relationships,
however strong, do not fully provide.
Research also finds that the absence of friendships
in childhood is a meaningful risk factor — associated
with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and social
difficulty in adolescence and adulthood. Loneliness
in childhood is not a phase children simply grow out
of. It is worth taking seriously and addressing
actively.
How Children Make Friends — What the Research Shows
Children do not make friends the way adults do.
Understanding how friendship formation actually
works at different ages changes what kind of
help is useful.
Preschool and early childhood (ages 3 to 6):
At this age, friendships form primarily through
proximity and shared activity. A friend is
whoever is nearby and willing to play the
same game right now. Research by Robert Selman
on friendship development finds that children
at this age do not yet have the cognitive
capacity for the kind of mutual, reciprocal
friendship that develops later — what they
have are playmates, and playmates are made
through play.
The implication for parents: the most powerful
thing you can do at this age is create
opportunities for repeated, low-pressure
play with the same children. Friendship at
this age is built through repetition and
proximity, not through social skill per se.
Middle childhood (ages 6 to 10): Friendship
becomes more selective and more reciprocal.
Children begin to choose friends based on
similarity — shared interests, shared humor,
shared values — and the ability to sustain
a friendship across disagreement becomes
more important. Research by Dunn and others
on peer relationships in middle childhood
finds that conflict resolution skills —
learned in part through sibling relationships —
become increasingly central to friendship
formation and maintenance.
Early adolescence (ages 10 to 14): Peer
relationships take on their greatest
emotional weight. Research by developmental
psychologist Janice Gibson on adolescent
peer influence finds that belonging to a
peer group becomes the central social
preoccupation of this period. The stakes
of social acceptance and rejection are
genuinely higher, and the emotional impact
of social difficulty is correspondingly
greater.
What Gets in the Way of Friendship
Research on children who struggle socially
identifies several consistent factors that
interfere with friendship formation:
Poor emotion regulation. Children who
struggle to manage frustration,
disappointment, or conflict in the moment
are significantly more likely to be
rejected by peers. Research on peer
rejection consistently identifies
emotional dysregulation — particularly
aggression and impulsivity — as the
strongest predictor of peer rejection
in early and middle childhood.
Poor entry behavior. Research on how
children enter peer groups finds that
the way a child approaches an existing
group of playing children is one of the
strongest predictors of social acceptance
or rejection. Children who hover and
watch before attempting to join, and
who try to join by commenting on what
the group is already doing rather than
redirecting to their own agenda, are
significantly more likely to be accepted
than those who disrupt or redirect.
Social anxiety. Children with significant
social anxiety avoid the very situations
in which social skills are practiced and
friendships are formed — creating a cycle
in which avoidance maintains the anxiety
and prevents the experience that would
reduce it.
Misreading social cues. Research on
social cognition in children finds that
the ability to accurately read others’
facial expressions, tone of voice, and
body language is a significant predictor
of social success. Children who
consistently misread social cues —
interpreting neutral expressions as
hostile, missing signals of disinterest —
tend to struggle socially regardless
of their intentions.
What Parents Can Do
Create repeated opportunities with the
same children. The single most effective
thing a parent can do for a child who
is struggling to make friends is to
arrange repeated one-on-one play with
the same peer — ideally a child the
child has expressed some interest in.
Research on friendship formation finds
that one-on-one play is significantly
more likely to produce genuine friendship
than group settings, because it removes
the complexity of group dynamics and
allows both children to attend fully
to each other.
Aim for one playdate per week with the
same child over several weeks. Friendship
at most ages is built through accumulated
shared experience, not through a single
successful interaction.
Keep playdates short and structured
for younger children. Research on
playdate outcomes finds that shorter
playdates — 60 to 90 minutes for
children under six — are more
successful than longer ones, because
they end before conflict or depletion
sets in. Having a clear, enjoyable
activity ready reduces the pressure
on children to generate their own
social structure.
Coach social entry explicitly. For
children who struggle with joining
groups, explicit coaching on entry
behavior is more effective than
general encouragement. Research on
social skills training finds that
children benefit from being taught
specific strategies: watch first,
find something to say about what
the group is already doing, ask
if you can join rather than
simply inserting yourself.
Practice this at home through
role-play — not as a lecture,
but as a light, warm, repeated
practice that makes the behavior
feel familiar before it needs
to be used.
Teach conflict resolution as a
friendship skill. Research on
friendship stability in middle
childhood finds that the ability
to navigate conflict — to disagree
without ending the relationship —
is one of the strongest predictors
of whether friendships last.
Children who have practiced
conflict resolution through
sibling interaction tend to
have an advantage here. For
children without siblings,
explicit practice and coaching
in conflict resolution is
worth investing in.
Avoid over-involvement. Research
on parental involvement in
children’s peer relationships
finds a clear U-shaped pattern:
too little involvement leaves
struggling children without
support, but too much —
intervening in conflicts,
managing social dynamics,
speaking for the child —
undermines the child’s
development of independent
social competence. The goal
is to create opportunities
and coach skills, then step
back and let the child use them.
Address anxiety directly. For
children whose social difficulty
is driven primarily by anxiety,
the most effective approach is
gradual exposure — beginning
with very low-pressure social
situations and building tolerance
slowly. Avoidance maintains
anxiety; exposure reduces it.
If social anxiety is significant,
a referral to a child psychologist
experienced in anxiety treatment
is worth considering.
When to Be More Concerned
Most children go through periods
of social difficulty that resolve
naturally with time, opportunity,
and the right support. A few
patterns are worth discussing
with a pediatrician or child
psychologist:
— A child who has never had
a reciprocal friendship by
age seven or eight
— Persistent peer rejection
rather than simple social
difficulty
— Social withdrawal that is
increasing rather than
stable or improving
— Significant distress about
social difficulty that is
affecting daily functioning
— Any concerns about social
communication that might
suggest an underlying
developmental difference
The Bottom Line
Friendship does not come naturally
to every child — and struggling
socially is not a character flaw
or a permanent condition. It is
a developmental challenge that
responds to specific, targeted
support.
Create the opportunities. Coach
the skills. Step back and let
the child use them.
And if a child has even one
genuine, reciprocal friendship —
research finds that one real
friend provides significant
protection against the effects
of broader social difficulty.
One is enough to matter. One
is always worth working toward.
Sources
Hartup, W. W. (1996). The company
they keep: Friendships and their
developmental significance.
Child Development, 67(1), 1–13.
Selman, R. L. (1980). The Growth
of Interpersonal Understanding.
Academic Press.
Ladd, G. W. (1990). Having friends,
keeping friends, making friends,
and being liked by peers in the
classroom. Child Development,
61(4), 1081–1100.
Asher, S. R., & Coie, J. D. (Eds.).
(1990). Peer Rejection in Childhood.
Cambridge University Press.
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