Stages of Grief in Children: What the Research Actually Shows

The idea that grief follows predictable
stages — denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, acceptance — is one of
the most widely known and most frequently
misapplied concepts in grief psychology.
Research on childhood grief has moved
significantly beyond the original stage
model — finding that children’s grief
is more fluid, more individual, and
more complex than any simple stage
framework suggests.

This article covers what the research
actually shows about how children
grieve — what is typical, what varies,
and what parents need to understand
about the grief process in children.

The Original Stage Model —
and Its Limitations

The five-stage model of grief — denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance —
was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.
Research on this model finds several
important limitations:

It was based on adults facing
their own death — not bereaved
individuals. Research finds
that applying this model to
bereaved children is a significant
extrapolation from its original context.

Stages are not universal. Research
by George Bonanno at Columbia
University finds that the majority
of bereaved individuals do not
follow the stage sequence —
and that many bereaved people
show resilience without passing
through all five stages.

Stages are not sequential.
Research finds that when grief-related
emotions do occur — they do
not follow a predictable sequence.
People move back and forth
between emotional states —
they do not progress linearly
from one stage to the next.

Research finding: the stage
model has been largely replaced
in the research literature
by more nuanced models — though
it remains widely known in
popular culture.

What Research Actually Shows
About Childhood Grief

Research on childhood bereavement —
including the foundational work
of William Worden and Phyllis
Silverman in the Harvard Child
Bereavement Study — finds a
more complex and more accurate picture:

Children grieve in waves —
not continuously. Research consistently
finds that children — unlike
adults — typically grieve in
waves rather than continuously.
A child may be intensely distressed
at one moment and playing happily
the next. This is not denial —
it is the characteristic pattern
of childhood grief, reflecting
the child’s limited capacity
to sustain intense emotional states.

Grief is not linear. Research
finds that childhood grief
does not follow a predictable
sequence of stages — children
move back and forth between
different emotional states,
sometimes appearing to have
resolved grief before returning
to intense sadness.

Children revisit grief at developmental
milestones. Research on childhood
grief and development finds
that bereaved children frequently
experience renewed grief at
key developmental milestones —
starting school, puberty, graduation,
marriage — as they more fully
understand what they have lost
and what the deceased person
is missing.

Grief is highly individual.
Research consistently finds
that there is no single correct
way to grieve — and that the
enormous variation in how children
grieve reflects individual differences
in temperament, relationship
with the deceased, circumstances
of the death, age, and the
quality of support available.

Worden’s Tasks of Mourning —
A More Useful Framework

Research by William Worden proposes
a tasks-of-mourning framework that
research finds more useful than
stage models for understanding childhood grief:

Task 1 — Accepting the reality
of the loss. Research finds
that children — particularly
young children — frequently
struggle to accept the permanence
of death. Repeated honest communication
about what happened — and
what death means — supports
this task.

Task 2 — Working through
the pain of grief. Research
finds that children need to
experience and express grief —
rather than avoid it — for
healthy resolution. This requires
emotional permission and adult support.

Task 3 — Adjusting to a world
without the deceased. Research
finds that this adjustment
is gradual and ongoing — affecting
practical daily life, identity,
and understanding of the world.

Task 4 — Finding an enduring
connection to the deceased
while embarking on a new life.
Research on continuing bonds
finds that healthy grief does
not require severing connection
to the deceased — but rather
finding a new form of connection
that allows continued living.

What Emotional Responses
Are Common in Bereaved Children

Research on childhood grief and
emotional responses finds a wide
range of common — and normal — responses:

Sadness and crying. Research
finds sadness the most commonly
expected grief response — but
notes that its absence does
not indicate absence of grief.

Anger. Research finds anger
a very common grief response
in children — anger at the
deceased for leaving, anger
at the surviving parent, anger
at the world for being unfair.

Anxiety and fear. Research
finds elevated anxiety common
in bereaved children — particularly
fear of their own death and
fear of losing other loved ones.

Guilt. Research finds guilt
common in bereaved children —
including guilt about things
said or unsaid before the death,
and irrational guilt about
having caused the death.

Relief. Research finds relief
a common — and frequently
shameful — grief response,
particularly when the death
followed a long illness. Relief
is a normal grief response
that requires explicit normalization.

Physical symptoms. Research
finds elevated rates of physical
symptoms in bereaved children —
stomachaches, headaches, fatigue —
reflecting the physical expression
of grief.

Behavioral changes. Research
finds a wide range of behavioral
changes in bereaved children —
regression in younger children,
acting out in some, withdrawal
in others, and apparent lack
of reaction in some.

What Looks Like Complicated
Grief — and When to Seek Help

Research on complicated grief
in children — including work by
Melissa Melhem at the University
of Pittsburgh — identifies several
signs that grief may be complicated
and warrant professional support:

Persistent inability to accept
the reality of the death —
many months after the loss.

Significant functional impairment
lasting more than six months —
school difficulties, withdrawal
from all activities and friendships.

Thoughts of self-harm or
wanting to die to be with
the deceased.

Complete inability to experience
any positive emotion.

Significant regression in
younger children that does not improve over time.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Wave Normalization Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
normalization of the wave-like
nature of childhood grief —
helping children understand
that moving between sadness
and happiness is normal and expected.

How to do it: This week when
your child moves from distress
to play — or from play to distress —
normalize it gently:

“It’s completely okay to
feel happy right now — even
when we’re also sad about [person].”
“Grief comes and goes like
waves — sometimes it’s very
strong and sometimes it’s
quieter. Both are completely normal.”

Why it works: Research on
childhood grief and emotional
normalization consistently finds
that children who understand
the wave-like nature of grief —
and who have explicit permission
to move between emotional states —
show significantly less guilt
and confusion about their grief process.

Practice 2 — The Milestone Preparation Practice
What it is: A deliberate preparation
for grief at upcoming milestones —
building the awareness that
grief revisiting is normal and expected.

How to do it: Before any significant
milestone — a birthday, school
event, holiday — briefly acknowledge
the possibility of renewed grief:

“[Person’s] birthday is coming
up — it might feel sad to
think about them not being
here. That’s completely normal.”
“The holidays can sometimes
bring up sad feelings about
[person] again — and that’s
okay.”

Why it works: Research on
grief and developmental milestones
consistently finds that bereaved
children show renewed grief
at key milestones — and that
preparation and normalization
of this response significantly
reduces distress when it occurs.

Practice 3 — The All Feelings Practice
What it is: A deliberate daily
normalization of the full range
of grief emotions — including
the most difficult and most
confusing ones.

How to do it: This week when
any grief-related emotion arises —
name it and normalize it:

Relief: “It’s okay to feel
relieved that [person] is
not suffering anymore. That
doesn’t mean you don’t love
and miss them.”
Anger: “Feeling angry makes
complete sense — it’s not
fair that [person] died.”
Guilt: “You did nothing wrong.
Nothing you did or thought
caused this.”
Happiness: “It’s perfectly
okay to feel happy — [person]
would want you to have happy moments.”

Why it works: Research on
emotional expression and grief
consistently finds that children
who have all their grief emotions
explicitly normalized — including
the most confusing and potentially
shameful ones — show significantly
healthier grief trajectories
than those who receive only
implicit permission for sadness.

The Bottom Line

Children’s grief does not follow
predictable stages — it is
individual, nonlinear, wave-like,
and revisited at developmental
milestones. Research has moved
well beyond the stage model —
finding that children grieve
in highly individual ways that
reflect their age, their relationship
with the deceased, the circumstances
of the death, and the quality
of support available.

The most important implications
for parents: there is no right
way to grieve; moving between
sadness and happiness is normal;
all emotions are valid; grief
will be revisited over time;
and the most important support
is a warm, available, honest
adult who allows all feelings
and maintains connection to the person who died.

Sources

Worden, J. W. (2018).
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.
Springer.

Bonanno, G. A. (2009).
The Other Side of Sadness.
Basic Books.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969).
On Death and Dying.
Macmillan.

Silverman, P. R. (2000).
Never Too Young to Know.
Oxford University Press.