How to Deal With a Child Bullying Your Child: What the Research Says

Discovering that a specific child is
bullying your child is one of the
most frustrating parenting situations —
because it involves another family’s
child, which significantly limits
what you can directly control. Research
on bullying intervention provides
specific guidance about what parents
can effectively do — and what approaches
tend to backfire.

This article covers what the research
shows about dealing with a child who
is bullying your child — what works,
what doesn’t, and how to advocate
effectively for your child.

What You Can and Cannot Control

Research on bullying and parental
intervention identifies an important
starting point — being clear about
what is and is not within your control:

What you can control:
Your child’s support and preparation.
Your communication with school.
Your child’s access to the
bullying situation where possible.
Building your child’s resilience and skills.

What you cannot directly control:
The other child’s behavior.
The other family’s parenting.
The school’s internal processes.

This distinction matters because
research finds that parents who focus
their energy on what they can control —
rather than on trying to directly
change the bully’s behavior — produce
significantly better outcomes for their child.

What the Research Shows Works

Supporting your child first.
Research on bullying and recovery
consistently finds that the most
important parental response is
supporting the bullied child —
listening, validating, building
confidence and skills — before
and alongside any external action.

Involving school as the primary
channel. Research on bullying
intervention finds that school
is the most effective channel
for addressing bullying by a
specific child — because school
has authority over both children
and can implement consistent,
monitored responses.

Effective school involvement:
Document specific incidents —
dates, what happened, witnesses.
Request a meeting — in writing —
with the class teacher or
school counselor.
Present specific information
rather than general complaints.
Ask specifically what the
school will do and when.
Follow up consistently.

Avoiding direct contact with
the other family. Research on
parent-to-parent contact and
bullying outcomes finds that
direct contact between families —
without school mediation —
frequently escalates conflict
rather than resolving it. The
other parent may become defensive,
the situation may worsen, and
it removes the school’s ability
to manage the situation neutrally.

Research recommendation: route
all intervention through school —
not directly to the other family.

If direct contact is unavoidable —
and some situations make this
necessary — research supports:
Staying calm and factual.
Focusing on the behavior —
not the child’s character.
Avoiding blame or accusation.
Seeking a shared solution —
not a confrontation.

Reducing exposure where possible.
Research on bullying and recovery
finds that reducing the bullied
child’s exposure to the bullying
child — where this is possible
without significant disruption —
reduces the frequency of bullying
and supports recovery.

This might include:
Requesting a different class
placement if the bullying is severe.
Modifying routes or timings
to reduce contact.
Adjusting activity groups
where the children interact.

Building your child’s skills
and confidence. Research on
bullying targets and resilience
finds that building the bullied
child’s assertiveness, social
skills, and confidence significantly
reduces both their vulnerability
to continued bullying and the
impact of bullying that does occur.

What Does Not Help

Confronting the other child directly.
Research on adult confrontation
of bullying children finds that
direct adult confrontation —
particularly from the target’s
parent — frequently escalates
bullying rather than reducing it,
because it gives the bullying
child attention and may produce
retaliation against the target.

Telling your child to retaliate.
Research on retaliation and
bullying outcomes consistently
finds that physical or verbal
retaliation frequently escalates
bullying and can result in
your child facing consequences.

Contacting the other family
angrily. Research on family
conflict and bullying outcomes
finds that angry parental contact —
however justified — typically
produces defensive responses
and escalates rather than resolves the situation.

Waiting and hoping it will resolve.
Research on bullying trajectories
finds that bullying rarely resolves
without intervention — and that
early, effective action produces
significantly better outcomes
than delayed response.

When School Does Not Act

Research on school non-response
and bullying escalation identifies
a clear escalation pathway when
school does not respond effectively:

Document all communications
with school — dates, who you
spoke with, what was said.
Follow up in writing after
every conversation.
Escalate to the principal
if classroom-level response is inadequate.
Contact the school district
if school-level response is inadequate.
Seek legal advice in cases
of severe bullying, physical
harm, or discrimination-based bullying.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The School Communication
What it is: A written request
for a school meeting — the
most effective first step when
a specific child is bullying your child.

How to do it: This week send
a brief, professional email:

“Dear [teacher/counselor],
I would like to request a
meeting to discuss some specific
concerns about interactions
between [your child] and another
student. I have documented
several incidents I would like
to share with you. I hope
we can work together to resolve
this. Please let me know your availability.”

Keep it calm, specific, and collaborative.

Why it works: Research on
school intervention and bullying
outcomes consistently finds
that written, specific, collaborative
communication produces significantly
more effective school responses
than verbal, general, or adversarial approaches.

Practice 2 — The Child Preparation
What it is: A deliberate practice
of preparing your child with
specific strategies for interacting
with the bullying child — building
the skills that reduce vulnerability.

How to do it: In a calm moment —
practice specific responses:

“If [child] says something
unkind — what could you do?”
Practice calm walking away.
Practice assertive verbal response:
“Stop. I don’t like that.”
Practice seeking adult help immediately.

Why it works: Research on
assertiveness and bullying outcomes
finds that children who have
practiced specific responses —
in calm conditions — use them
more effectively in real situations
than those without this preparation.

Practice 3 — The Strength Building
What it is: A deliberate weekly
investment in activities where
your child experiences genuine
competence and positive social
connection — building the resilience
that buffers bullying’s impact.

How to do it: This week identify
or strengthen one activity
outside school where your child:

Has genuine competence or developing skill.
Has positive peer connections.
Feels genuinely valued and capable.

Why it works: Research on
bullying resilience consistently
finds that genuine competence
and positive social connection
outside the bullying context
significantly moderate the
psychological impact of bullying
and support recovery.

The Bottom Line

Dealing with a child who is
bullying your child requires
focusing on what you can control —
your child’s support and preparation,
effective school communication,
and building your child’s resilience —
rather than attempting to directly
control the other child’s behavior.

The research is clear: school
is the most effective intervention
channel; direct family contact
typically escalates rather than
resolves; your child’s support
and skill-building are the most
important investments; and clear
escalation when school does
not respond is necessary and appropriate.

Sources

Olweus, D. (1993).
Bullying at School. Blackwell.

Smith, P. K. (2014).
Understanding School Bullying.
SAGE Publications.

Espelage, D. L., & Swearer, S. M.
(2003). Research on school bullying
and victimization.
School Psychology Review,
32(3), 365–383.

Rigby, K. (2010).
Bullying Interventions in Schools.
ACER Press.