What to Tell Kids Who Are Being Bullied: What the Research Says

What parents and trusted adults say
to children who are being bullied
matters enormously — research finds
that the messages children receive
about bullying significantly affect
both their recovery and their capacity
to respond effectively. Some of the
most well-intentioned things adults
say to bullied children are not helpful —
and some of the most important things
to say are the least intuitive.

This article covers what the research
shows about what to tell children
who are being bullied — the messages
that help, the messages that don’t,
and what children most need to hear.

What Bullied Children Most Need to Hear

It is not your fault. Research
on bullying and self-blame finds
that bullied children frequently
blame themselves — believing that
something about them caused or
deserved the bullying. Research
consistently finds that self-blame
significantly worsens the psychological
impact of bullying.

The most important message —
repeated clearly and genuinely:
“This is not your fault.”
“Nothing you did caused this.”
“You do not deserve this.”

You are not alone. Research
on bullying and social isolation
finds that bullied children frequently
feel profoundly alone — believing
that no one understands or cares.
Explicitly communicating that
they are not alone — that you
are with them — significantly
supports recovery.

“You are not alone in this.”
“I am here with you.”
“We will figure this out together.”

I believe you. Research on
bullying disclosure finds that
children who are not believed
when they disclose bullying
suffer significantly more harm.
Explicitly communicating belief —
genuinely and without qualification —
is essential.

“I believe you.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I am glad you told me.”

What is happening is not okay.
Research on bullying and normalization
finds that children sometimes
minimize bullying — or accept
it as normal — particularly
when adults respond with “kids
will be kids.” Explicitly communicating
that bullying is not okay —
that it is not normal and not
acceptable — is important.

“What is happening to you
is not okay.”
“This is bullying — and bullying
is never acceptable.”
“You deserve to be treated
with kindness and respect.”

You are brave for telling me.
Research on bullying disclosure
finds that telling an adult
about bullying takes genuine
courage — and that children
who disclose frequently worry
they will be seen as weak
or as a troublemaker. Recognizing
their courage explicitly encourages
future disclosure.

“It takes real courage to
tell someone about this.”
“You did the right thing
by telling me.”
“Telling someone is the brave thing to do.”

What to Say About Responding to Bullying

Research on bullying response
strategies identifies several
specific messages that help children
respond more effectively:

You can walk away — and that
is not weakness. Research on
bullying responses finds that
walking away calmly — rather
than retaliating — is one of
the most effective responses.
Many children feel that walking
away is weakness — explicitly
reframing it as a strength is important.

“Walking away from a bully
is not weakness — it is smart
and strong.”
“Bullies want a reaction —
not giving them one takes real strength.”

You can tell an adult — and
that is not telling tales. Research
on help-seeking and bullying
finds that many children are
reluctant to tell adults because
they fear being seen as a
tattletale. Explicitly distinguishing
telling from tattling is important.

“Telling an adult when someone
is being hurt is not tattling —
it is the right thing to do.”
“Tattling is telling to get
someone in trouble. Telling
is asking for help when someone
is being hurt — that is different.”

You can use your voice — calmly
and confidently. Research on
assertive responses and bullying
finds that calm, confident verbal
responses — “stop that,” “that
is not okay” — are more effective
than either aggressive retaliation
or silent compliance.

“You can say clearly and
calmly: stop. I don’t like that.”
“You don’t have to shout
or fight — just be calm and clear.”

What NOT to Say to Bullied Children

Research identifies several commonly
said things that research finds unhelpful:

“Just ignore it.” Research
on coping strategies and bullying
finds that telling children
to simply ignore bullying —
without additional support —
is ineffective and increases
feelings of helplessness. Ignoring
is not a complete strategy.

“Fight back.” Research on
physical retaliation and bullying
consistently finds that advising
physical fighting back frequently
escalates bullying and can
result in the bullied child
facing consequences for their own behavior.

“There must be a reason they
are targeting you.” Research
on victim-blaming and bullying
harm finds that any suggestion —
however subtle — that the child
contributed to being targeted
significantly increases self-blame
and psychological harm.

“Toughen up — this will make
you stronger.” Research on
bullying and long-term outcomes
finds that bullying does not
build character — it causes
real psychological harm. Minimizing
the harm with character-building
rhetoric invalidates the child’s
real experience.

“Everyone gets bullied sometimes.”
Research on normalization and
bullying harm finds that normalizing
bullying — however intended
to comfort — communicates that
the child’s experience is not
worth taking seriously.

Building the Child’s Own Narrative

Research on bullying recovery
and narrative finds that helping
children develop a healthy internal
narrative about their bullying
experience — one that preserves
their self-worth and agency —
significantly supports recovery.

Helpful narrative elements:
“This is happening to me —
it is not who I am.”
“The person bullying me has
a problem — it reflects on
them, not on me.”
“I am handling a really difficult
situation — that takes strength.”
“This will not always be like this.”

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Not Your Fault Message
What it is: A deliberate, explicit,
repeated communication that
the bullying is not the child’s fault —
the most important single message for bullied children.

How to do it: This week —
find at least three genuine
moments to communicate explicitly:

“I want to say this clearly —
this is not your fault.”
“Nothing about you caused this.”
“You deserve to be treated kindly.”

Why it works: Research on
self-blame and bullying recovery
consistently finds that explicit,
repeated communication that
the bullying is not the child’s
fault — from a trusted adult —
significantly reduces self-blame
and significantly improves recovery outcomes.

Practice 2 — The Brave Acknowledgment
What it is: A genuine acknowledgment
of the child’s courage in disclosing —
encouraging future disclosure
and building the child’s sense of agency.

How to do it: When your child
tells you about bullying —
or has told you — acknowledge
the courage specifically:

“I want you to know — telling
me about this took real courage.”
“You did the right thing.”
“I’m proud of you for telling me.”

Why it works: Research on
disclosure and recovery finds
that children who feel genuinely
recognized for the courage
of disclosing are significantly
more likely to continue sharing
— allowing ongoing support
and monitoring.

Practice 3 — The Together Message
What it is: A clear, repeated
communication that the child
is not facing this alone —
building the felt support that
recovery requires.

How to do it: Regularly and
genuinely communicate:

“You are not alone in this —
I am with you.”
“We will figure this out together.”
“Whatever happens — I am here.”

Back it up with genuine, consistent
presence and follow-through.

Why it works: Research on
social support and bullying
recovery consistently finds
that children who feel genuinely
supported — who know they are
not alone — show significantly
better recovery outcomes than
those who feel isolated in
their experience.

The Bottom Line

What adults say to bullied children
matters enormously — both for
immediate wellbeing and for
long-term recovery. The most
important messages are clear,
genuine, and repeated: this
is not your fault; I believe
you; what is happening is not
okay; you are brave for telling
me; and you are not alone.

The research is equally clear
about what not to say: telling
children to ignore it, to fight
back, or suggesting they contributed
to being targeted causes additional
harm rather than helping.

The child who hears — consistently
and genuinely — that the bullying
is not their fault, that they
are believed and supported,
and that they are not facing
it alone — has the most important
foundation for genuine recovery.

Sources

Olweus, D. (1993).
Bullying at School. Blackwell.

Espelage, D. L., & Swearer, S. M.
(2003). Research on school bullying
and victimization.
School Psychology Review,
32(3), 365–383.

Wolke, D., & Lereya, S. T.
(2015). Long-term effects of bullying.
Archives of Disease in Childhood,
100(9), 879–885.

Smith, P. K. (2014).
Understanding School Bullying.
SAGE Publications.