How to Teach Emotional Regulation to a 3 Year Old: What the Research Says

Teaching emotional regulation to a
three-year-old requires understanding
one fundamental fact: three-year-olds
cannot self-regulate. The brain structures
that support emotional regulation —
particularly the prefrontal cortex —
are in the very earliest stages of
development at three. What three-year-olds
can do is begin to experience co-regulation —
the process through which a calm,
regulated adult helps a dysregulated
child return to calm — and through
repeated co-regulation experiences,
begin to build the earliest foundations
of self-regulation.

This article covers what the research
shows about supporting emotional regulation
in three-year-olds — what is realistic
at this age, what helps, and what
parents can specifically do.

What Is Realistic at Three

Research on brain development and
emotional regulation — including work
by Adele Diamond at the University
of British Columbia — finds that at
three years old:

The prefrontal cortex is in
very early development — providing
minimal regulatory capacity.

Emotional responses are driven
primarily by the limbic system —
the emotional brain — with
very limited prefrontal modulation.

Tantrums and intense emotional
responses are developmentally
normal — not signs of behavioral
problems or parenting failure.

Co-regulation from a calm adult
is the primary regulatory support available.

Simple, concrete regulation
strategies can begin to be
introduced — but should not
be expected to work reliably
without adult support.

The honest message: at three,
the goal is not independent
self-regulation. The goal is
consistent co-regulation that
builds the neural foundations
for self-regulation over time.

What Helps at Three

Consistent warm co-regulation.
Research on co-regulation and
early childhood development —
including work by Allan Schore
at UCLA — finds that the most
important thing a parent can
do for a three-year-old’s emotional
regulation is provide consistent,
warm co-regulation during emotional difficulty.

What co-regulation looks like
at three:
Get down to their level.
Speak calmly and quietly —
slow, low, warm.
Offer physical comfort if
the child welcomes it.
Minimal words: “I’m here.
You’re safe.”
Stay regulated yourself —
your calm is the intervention.

Simple emotion naming. Research
on emotional vocabulary and
regulation finds that naming
emotions — simply and consistently —
builds the emotional awareness
that is the foundation of regulation.

In the moment: “You’re feeling
really angry right now.”
In calm moments: “That looks
like you’re feeling frustrated.”
In books and stories: “How
do you think that character
is feeling?”

Simple, concrete emotion words —
happy, sad, angry, scared,
frustrated — are appropriate
for three-year-olds.

Simple breathing — introduced
as a game. Research on breathing
and physiological regulation
finds that slow breathing activates
the parasympathetic nervous
system — and that even three-year-olds
can begin to learn simple breathing
practices when they are introduced
playfully and practiced regularly.

Accessible breathing practices for three:
“Smell the flowers — blow
out the candles.”
“Make your tummy go out
when you breathe in — let
it go when you breathe out.”
“Blow the feather across the table.”

Practice in calm moments —
not during dysregulation.

Consistent, predictable routines.
Research on environmental predictability
and emotional regulation in
early childhood finds that consistent,
predictable daily routines —
the same mealtimes, rest times,
and activity sequences — significantly
reduce the regulatory demand
on three-year-olds by reducing
the uncertainty and transition
difficulty that triggers dysregulation.

Adequate rest and nutrition.
Research on physiological state
and three-year-old emotional
regulation finds that tiredness
and hunger dramatically reduce
the limited regulatory capacity
three-year-olds already have.
Protecting adequate sleep and
ensuring regular meals is one
of the most important regulation
supports at this age.

Pretend play. Research by
Adele Diamond on executive
function development finds that
pretend play is one of the
most effective early executive
function and regulation builders —
because it requires sustained
attention, impulse control,
and role maintenance. Encouraging
and participating in pretend
play is a genuinely evidence-based
regulation-building activity for three-year-olds.

Simple feelings books and stories.
Research on bibliotherapy and
emotional development finds
that reading books about emotions —
and talking about how characters
feel — significantly builds
emotional vocabulary and awareness
in three-year-olds.

Simple feelings charts. Research
on visual supports and emotional
regulation finds that a simple
feelings chart — with faces
showing different emotions —
displayed at the child’s eye
level and regularly referenced —
builds emotional recognition
and vocabulary in early childhood.

What to Avoid

Expecting independent self-regulation.
Research is clear: three-year-olds
cannot reliably self-regulate.
Expecting them to use strategies
independently — without adult
support — sets both parent
and child up for frustration.

Reasoning during dysregulation.
Research on cognitive capacity
and emotional arousal finds
that three-year-olds cannot
process complex verbal reasoning
during emotional episodes.
Brief, calm, simple responses
during dysregulation — and
any necessary discussion in
calm moments — is significantly
more effective.

Shaming or criticizing emotional responses.
Research on shame and emotional
development finds that shaming
three-year-olds for their emotional
responses — “stop crying,”
“you’re being a baby” — produces
shame without building regulation capacity.

Managing Specific Regulation
Challenges at Three

Tantrums. Research on tantrums
and three-year-olds finds that
tantrums are developmentally
normal at this age — reflecting
the genuine mismatch between
strong desires and very limited
regulatory capacity. The most
effective response:

Stay calm — parental calm
is the most important intervention.
Ensure safety.
Minimal verbal intervention
during peak tantrum.
Offer comfort when the child
is receptive.
Brief, calm acknowledgment after:
“You were really angry. That’s okay.
Hitting is not okay.”

Transitions. Research on transitions
and three-year-old regulation
finds that advance warnings
— five minutes before every
transition — significantly reduce
transition-related dysregulation.
Consistent transition routines —
the same sequence every time —
also help.

Overstimulation. Research on
sensory processing and regulation
in early childhood finds that
overstimulation — too much
noise, activity, or social demand —
significantly reduces regulatory
capacity in three-year-olds.
Protecting quiet, low-stimulation
recovery time — particularly
after busy periods — is important.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Daily Emotion Naming
What it is: A deliberate daily
practice of naming emotions —
building the emotional vocabulary
that is the foundation of regulation.

How to do it: Throughout each
day this week — name emotions
as they arise naturally:

“You’re feeling really happy
about that — I can see it
on your face.”
“That sounds like you’re
feeling frustrated.”
“I can see you’re feeling
scared. I’m right here.”

Aim for at least five emotion
namings per day — in real
situations, in books, in play.

Why it works: Research on
emotional vocabulary and regulation
consistently finds that children
who have words for their emotional
experiences manage those experiences
significantly better — because
naming an emotion activates
the prefrontal cortex and begins
to moderate the limbic response.

Practice 2 — The Breathing Game
What it is: A brief, playful
daily practice of simple breathing —
introducing the foundational
regulation tool in a way that
is accessible and enjoyable for three-year-olds.

How to do it: Once each day —
in a calm, playful moment —
practice one simple breathing exercise:

“Let’s smell the flowers” —
deep breath in through the nose.
“Now blow out the candles” —
slow breath out through the mouth.
Repeat three times.
Make it playful — use props
if helpful — a real flower,
a pretend birthday cake.

Why it works: Research on
breathing and physiological
regulation finds that slow,
deliberate breathing activates
the parasympathetic nervous
system and reduces emotional
arousal. Regular practice in
calm moments — even at three —
begins to build the association
between breathing and calm
that will become increasingly
useful as the child develops.

Practice 3 — The Feelings Book Time
What it is: A daily reading
of a feelings-focused picture
book — building emotional vocabulary
and awareness through story.

How to do it: Once each day —
read a picture book that features
emotions clearly. During reading:

Name the emotions you see:
“Look — he looks really sad.
Can you see his face?”
Connect to experience: “Have
you ever felt like that?”
Validate: “It’s okay to feel sad sometimes.”

Good feelings books for three-year-olds
include The Colour Monster and
When Sophie Gets Angry.

Why it works: Research on
bibliotherapy and emotional
development finds that regular
reading of feelings-focused
books — with brief, warm discussion —
significantly builds emotional
vocabulary, emotional recognition,
and the understanding that
emotions are normal and manageable
in three-year-olds.

The Bottom Line

Teaching emotional regulation
to a three-year-old is not
about producing independent
self-regulation — it is about
providing the consistent co-regulation,
emotional vocabulary, and simple
foundational tools that build
the neural foundations for
self-regulation over time.

The research is clear: consistent
warm co-regulation is the most
important intervention. Emotion
naming builds the awareness
that regulation requires. Simple
breathing games introduce the
foundational tool. Predictable
routines reduce regulatory demand.
And pretend play and feelings
books build the emotional and
executive function foundations
that regulation development requires.

The three-year-old who is consistently
co-regulated, whose emotions
are consistently named and validated,
and who has simple tools introduced
playfully — is building the
genuine regulation capacity
that will grow stronger every year.

Sources

Diamond, A. (2013).
Executive functions.
Annual Review of Psychology,
64, 135–168.

Schore, A. N. (2003).
Affect Regulation and the Repair
of the Self. W.W. Norton.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J.
(1997). Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Denham, S. A. (1998).
Emotional Development in Young Children.
Guilford Press.