How to Help a Child Who Is Being Bullied: What the Research Says

Finding out your child is being bullied
is one of the most distressing experiences
of parenting. The impulse to fix it
immediately — to call the school, to
confront the other child’s parents,
to tell your child exactly what to do —
is completely understandable. The research
on effective responses to bullying suggests
that the most helpful approaches are
more nuanced than these instinctive reactions.

This article covers what the research
shows about how to respond when your
child is being bullied — what helps,
what makes things worse, and what
the specific practices are that support
children through this experience.

What Bullying Actually Is

Before addressing how to help,
it is worth being clear about
what bullying actually is — because
the term is frequently applied to
a wide range of peer difficulties
that require different responses.

Research by Dan Olweus at the
University of Bergen — whose
foundational work on bullying
in the 1970s and 1980s established
the research framework still used today —
defines bullying through three criteria:

Intent to harm — the behavior
is deliberate, not accidental.

Repetition — the behavior occurs
repeatedly over time, not as
a single incident.

Power imbalance — the child
doing the bullying has more
power than the child being bullied —
through physical size, social status,
numbers, or other means.

Not every peer conflict is bullying.
A one-time argument, a falling-out
between friends, or a single unkind
act — however painful — does not
meet the research definition of bullying.
Understanding the distinction matters
because the response that helps
with bullying differs from the
response that helps with ordinary
peer conflict.

Research identifies three main
types of bullying:

Physical bullying — hitting,
pushing, taking or damaging belongings.

Verbal bullying — name-calling,
threats, mockery, humiliation.

Relational or social bullying —
deliberate exclusion, rumor-spreading,
manipulation of friendships.
Research finds this form is
particularly common among girls
and particularly difficult to address
because it is less visible to adults.

Cyberbullying — bullying conducted
through digital platforms —
extends the reach of bullying
beyond school hours and into
the home environment, significantly
amplifying its impact.

What the Research Shows About
the Effects of Bullying

Research on bullying and child
outcomes is extensive and sobering:

Research consistently finds that
children who are bullied show
elevated rates of anxiety, depression,
loneliness, and reduced academic
performance — both during the
bullying and in the years following.

Research by Dieter Wolke at
the University of Warwick on
the long-term effects of bullying
finds that the psychological
effects of childhood bullying
persist into adulthood — with
bullied children showing elevated
rates of anxiety, depression,
and worse health outcomes in
their forties compared to those
who were not bullied.

Research also finds — importantly —
that these effects are significantly
moderated by the quality of
adult support during the bullying.
Children who receive warm,
effective support from parents
and schools during bullying
show significantly better outcomes
than those who do not.

This finding is one of the
most important in the bullying
research for parents: your response matters enormously.

What to Do First — Responding
to Your Child’s Disclosure

Research on how children experience
parental responses to bullying
disclosure identifies several
consistent findings:

Listen fully before responding.
Research on children’s help-seeking
behavior finds that children
who feel genuinely heard when
they disclose bullying are
more likely to continue sharing
information — and more likely
to accept parental support —
than those whose disclosure
is immediately met with parental
distress or action.

Resist the impulse to immediately
fix, advise, or act. Before
doing anything else — listen.
Ask questions. Understand what
has been happening, for how
long, who is involved, and
how your child is feeling about it.

Validate the experience and
the feelings. Research on
emotional validation and child
wellbeing finds that children
who feel their experience is
believed, taken seriously,
and responded to with genuine
empathy show better adjustment
than those whose experience
is minimized or dismissed.

“I’m really glad you told me.
What’s been happening sounds
really hard. I believe you,
and I want to understand everything.”

Avoid responses that increase shame.
Research on bullying disclosure
finds that children sometimes
delay or avoid telling parents
because they fear being blamed,
being told to toughen up,
or having the situation made
worse by parental overreaction.
Responses that communicate
that the child should have
handled it differently, or
that express intense parental
distress, increase shame and
reduce the likelihood of
ongoing communication.

Believe them. Research on
children’s bullying disclosures
finds that children rarely
fabricate bullying experiences —
and that being disbelieved
is one of the most damaging
responses a child can receive.
Start from a position of belief.

What Helps — The Evidence

Building and maintaining connection
with the child. Research consistently
finds that the quality of the
parent-child relationship is
the single strongest protective
factor against the psychological
harm of bullying. A child who
feels genuinely loved, genuinely
supported, and genuinely connected
to their parent is significantly
more resilient to bullying’s effects
than one who feels alone with the experience.

Practical strategies — with the child,
not for the child. Research on
anti-bullying interventions finds
that the most effective parental
approach involves helping children
develop their own responses to
bullying — rather than simply
telling them what to do.

Research-supported strategies
that children can practice:

The confident response —
research finds that bullies
typically target children who
show visible distress. Teaching
children to respond with
calm confidence — to look
the bully in the eye, to
speak clearly and walk away —
reduces the reward the bully receives.

Staying near adults and friends —
research finds that bullying
almost always occurs when
the targeted child is isolated.
Staying near trusted peers
and visible adults significantly
reduces bullying incidents.

Not retaliating — research
consistently finds that physical
or verbal retaliation escalates
rather than reduces bullying
and increases the targeted
child’s risk of disciplinary consequences.

Reporting — research on bystander
behavior and bullying finds
that bullying reported to
adults is more likely to stop
than bullying that is not reported.
Teaching children that reporting
is not “telling tales” but
is the right response is important.

Working with the school. Research
on school-based bullying intervention
finds that school involvement
is essential for addressing
bullying effectively — bullying
that occurs at school requires
a school response.

Effective school communication:
Request a meeting with the
class teacher or pastoral
care coordinator — not an
angry confrontation, but a
calm, information-sharing conversation.
Bring specific information —
dates, incidents, what was said or done.
Ask what the school’s bullying
policy is and how it will be applied.
Follow up in writing after the meeting.
If the school response is
inadequate, escalate to the principal.

Supporting friendships. Research
on bullying and peer relationships
finds that having at least
one genuine friendship is
the single strongest social
protective factor against
bullying’s psychological effects.
Actively facilitating connection —
one-on-one time with a supportive
peer — is one of the most
important things a parent can do.

Monitoring mental health. Research
on bullying and mental health
outcomes supports active monitoring
of the child’s emotional wellbeing
during and after bullying —
and early professional support
if significant anxiety, depression,
or school avoidance develops.

What Does Not Help

Telling the child to ignore it
or toughen up. Research consistently
finds that this response increases
shame, reduces help-seeking,
and does not reduce bullying.
Bullying does not stop because
the target ignores it — it
stops because adults intervene effectively.

Contacting the bullying child’s
parents directly. Research on
parent-to-parent contact about
bullying finds that it typically
escalates rather than resolves
the situation — generating adult
conflict that often increases
the bullying. School is the
right channel for intervention.

Encouraging retaliation. Research
is consistent: retaliation escalates
bullying, increases risk to
the targeted child, and is
associated with worse outcomes.
It is not an effective strategy.

Overreacting in ways that
increase the child’s distress.
Research on parental emotional
response to bullying disclosure
finds that intense parental
distress — visible anger,
crying, panic — increases
the child’s anxiety rather
than reducing it. The child
needs a regulated, warm,
action-oriented parent —
not a parent who is more
distressed than they are.

When to Seek Additional Support

Professional support is warranted when:

The child shows significant
anxiety, depression, or school
avoidance that does not improve
with consistent parental support.

The bullying involves physical
harm or credible threats —
which may require involvement
of school administration and
in some cases law enforcement.

The bullying is severe,
persistent, and not being
adequately addressed by the school.

The child expresses hopelessness,
self-harm, or any indication
that they do not want to be alive —
which requires immediate professional attention.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Daily Check-In
What it is: A brief, consistent,
low-pressure daily conversation
that keeps communication open
and gives the child a reliable
opportunity to share what
is happening — without feeling interrogated.

How to do it: At a consistent,
calm daily moment — in the
car, at dinner, at bedtime —
ask one open, low-pressure question:

“How was the day — any good
bits? Any hard bits?”
“Who did you spend time with today?”
“How are you feeling about school?”

Listen more than you talk.
If they share something difficult,
validate before advising:
“That sounds really hard.
Tell me more.”

Why it works: Research on
children’s help-seeking behavior
finds that children who have
a consistent, reliable channel
for sharing difficulties with
parents are significantly more
likely to disclose bullying —
and to do so earlier — than
those who do not. The Daily
Check-In keeps this channel open.

Practice 2 — The Friendship Facilitator
What it is: A deliberate
parental investment in facilitating
at least one strong, supportive
friendship for the bullied child —
the single most powerful social
protective factor the research identifies.

How to do it: Identify one
child — from school, from
an activity, from the neighborhood —
who your child feels positively
about. Reach out to that
child’s parent and arrange
regular one-on-one time:

A playdate or activity outside school.
A shared interest or activity they both enjoy.
Regular, consistent contact
that builds genuine friendship over time.

Why it works: Research consistently
finds that having at least
one genuine, supportive friendship
significantly moderates the
psychological impact of bullying —
because the experience of
being genuinely chosen and
valued by a peer directly
counters the message of
worthlessness that bullying communicates.

Practice 3 — The Strength Reminder
What it is: A daily practice
of explicitly naming and
celebrating your child’s specific
strengths and qualities —
directly countering the negative
self-concept that bullying
can produce.

How to do it: Once each day,
find a genuine moment to
name something specific you
love or admire about your child:

“I noticed today how kind
you were to your brother —
that kindness is real and it matters.”
“I love how determined you
are when something matters to you.”
“I want you to know that
what those children are saying
is not true. Here is what
I know to be true about you.”

Keep it specific, genuine,
and consistent. The message
is simple: what bullies say
is not the truth about you.

Why it works: Research on
bullying and self-concept finds
that children who maintain
a positive self-concept during
bullying show significantly
better psychological outcomes
than those whose self-concept
is significantly damaged by
the bullying experience.
The Strength Reminder builds
and maintains this positive
self-concept deliberately.

The Bottom Line

When your child is being bullied,
they need two things above
all others: to feel genuinely
believed and supported by
a parent who takes it seriously —
and effective adult intervention
that actually stops the bullying.

The research is clear about
what provides both: listening
before acting, validating before
advising, working with the
school rather than around it,
facilitating friendship, and
maintaining the warm, connected
parent-child relationship that
is the most powerful protective
factor available.

Your child did not cause this.
Your response can make an
enormous difference to how
they come through it.

Sources

Olweus, D. (1993).
Bullying at School.
Blackwell Publishers.

Wolke, D., Copeland, W. E.,
Angold, A., & Costello, E. J. (2013).
Impact of bullying in childhood
on adult health, wealth, crime,
and social outcomes.
Psychological Science, 24(10),
1958–1970.

Smith, P. K. (2016).
Bullying: Definition, types,
causes, consequences and intervention.
Social and Personality Psychology
Compass, 10(9), 519–532.

Espelage, D. L., & Swearer, S. M.
(2003). Research on school bullying
and victimization.
School Psychology Review,
32(3), 365–383.