How to Handle Toddler Tantrums: What the Research Says

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Toddler tantrums are one of the most
universal — and most exhausting —
experiences of early parenting.
The child who was happily playing
one moment is on the floor screaming
the next. The parent who was calmly
going about their day is suddenly
managing a full emotional storm
in the middle of the supermarket.

The research on toddler tantrums
tells a story that is both more
reassuring and more specific than
most parenting advice suggests.
This article covers what tantrums
actually are, why they happen,
what helps, and what the practices
are that make the biggest difference.

What Toddler Tantrums Actually Are

A tantrum is not a behavior problem.
It is a neurological event — the
visible expression of a nervous
system that has been overwhelmed
and cannot regulate itself back
to calm without external support.

Research by developmental neuroscientist
Jaak Panksepp on emotional systems
in the brain finds that the emotional
centers of the brain — the limbic
system, particularly the amygdala —
develop significantly earlier than
the regulatory centers — the
prefrontal cortex — that would
allow a child to manage those
emotions independently.

A toddler in a tantrum is not
manipulating, acting out, or
being deliberately difficult.
They are experiencing genuine
emotional overwhelm in a brain
that does not yet have the
biological equipment to manage it.

Research by Michael Potegal at
the University of Minnesota —
one of the few researchers to
study tantrums specifically —
finds that tantrums have a
consistent neurological structure:
an anger phase, during which
the child is actively distressed
and angry; followed by a sadness
phase, during which the anger
subsides and the child seeks
comfort and connection.
Understanding this structure
changes how parents respond.

Why Tantrums Peak in Toddlerhood

Research on the developmental
course of tantrums identifies
toddlerhood — approximately
eighteen months to three years —
as the peak period, for several
converging developmental reasons:

The autonomy drive is at its
most intense. Research on
toddler development identifies
the establishment of a separate
self — with its own will,
preferences, and desires —
as the primary developmental
task of toddlerhood. The word
“no” is not defiance. It is
the toddler’s primary tool
for asserting the existence
of a self that is separate
from the parent.

Language is still catching up.
Research on language development
and tantrums finds a specific
peak in tantrum frequency
at the point where a child’s
desires and frustrations
outpace their language capacity
to express them. The toddler
who cannot say “I am frustrated
that I cannot reach that”
expresses the frustration
through the only channel
available: the body.

Research by Betty Acredolo
and Susan Goodwyn on baby
signing finds that children
who learn simple signs to
express common needs show
reduced tantrum frequency —
supporting the language-gap
theory of tantrums.

Self-regulation capacity is minimal.
Research on prefrontal cortex
development finds that the
neural systems needed for
emotional self-regulation
are among the last to mature —
not fully developed until
the mid-twenties. At eighteen
months to three years,
they are in their earliest
stages of development —
meaning that the toddler’s
capacity to talk themselves
down from emotional overwhelm
is genuinely, neurologically minimal.

What the Research Shows About
Tantrum Frequency and Severity

Research by Potegal and colleagues
on normal tantrum behavior finds:

Tantrums are developmentally
normal from approximately
twelve months to four years,
peaking between eighteen
months and two and a half years.

Most toddlers have one to
three tantrums per day
at peak frequency —
each lasting on average
three minutes, though
ranging from less than
one minute to over
twenty-five minutes.

Tantrum frequency and
severity is significantly
affected by hunger,
fatigue, overstimulation,
and illness — the
circumstances that
deplete the toddler’s
already-minimal regulatory capacity.

Tantrums typically decrease
significantly by age three
to four as language and
regulatory capacity develop.

What Makes Tantrums Worse

Escalating emotionally.
Research on parental response
to tantrums and tantrum
duration finds that emotional
parental responses — anger,
distress, shouting —
escalate rather than
de-escalate the tantrum.
The parent’s dysregulation
signals danger to the
child’s already-overwhelmed
nervous system and intensifies
the stress response.

Trying to reason during
the tantrum. Research on
children’s cognitive capacity
during emotional overwhelm
finds that the rational,
language-based brain is
essentially offline during
a full tantrum. Reasoning,
explaining, and negotiating
during the peak of a
tantrum are neurologically
ineffective — the child
cannot process the
information being offered.

Giving in to avoid the
tantrum or end it early.
Research on tantrum behavior
and parental response finds
that capitulating to tantrum
demands — changing the
decision that triggered
the tantrum in response
to the tantrum — teaches
the child that tantrums
are an effective strategy
for changing parental decisions.
Each capitulation makes
future tantrums more likely
and more intense.

Shaming or punishing the
tantrum. Research on shame
and emotional development
finds that shaming a child
for having a tantrum —
“stop acting like a baby,”
“big children don’t do this” —
adds shame to the already
overwhelming emotional experience
and does not build the
regulatory capacity that
would reduce tantrums over time.

What Actually Helps

Stay calm. Research consistently
identifies parental calm as
the single most important
factor in tantrum resolution.
A calm, regulated parent
provides the co-regulatory
signal the child’s nervous
system needs to begin
moving toward calm itself.
This is easier said than done —
and the research acknowledges it.
It is also more effective
than any other single response.

Ensure safety and wait.
Research on the natural
arc of tantrums finds
that they peak and then
subside — the anger phase
passes and gives way
to the sadness phase —
when not escalated by
the parent’s response.
Ensure the child is safe,
stay present and calm,
and wait for the peak
to pass.

Offer comfort during
the sadness phase.
Research on tantrum
structure finds that
the transition from
anger to sadness —
when the screaming
gives way to crying
and the child begins
to seek comfort —
is the moment for
warm physical comfort.
Moving toward the
child at this moment,
offering a hug or
simply sitting close,
shortens the recovery
phase and builds
the co-regulatory
connection that supports
long-term regulation development.

Brief, warm reconnection
after the tantrum.
Research on rupture
and repair in parent-child
relationships finds that
a brief, warm reconnection
after a difficult moment —
“that was really hard.
I love you. Are you okay?” —
is more beneficial than
either ignoring the
episode or discussing
it at length.

Identify and address triggers.
Research on tantrum antecedents
finds that tantrums are
typically predictable —
they occur most frequently
when children are hungry,
tired, overstimulated,
or ill. Identifying the
specific triggers for
a specific child allows
parents to address them
proactively — protecting
sleep and mealtimes,
building in downtime
after stimulating activities,
and providing warning
before transitions.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Calm Body Practice
What it is: A simple
physical practice that
helps parents manage
their own physiological
response to tantrum stress —
because the parent’s
calm is the primary
regulatory tool available.

How to do it: When a
tantrum begins, before
responding, take three
slow, deliberate breaths —
in for four counts,
out for six counts.
This activates the
parasympathetic nervous
system and reduces
the stress response
that makes calm parenting harder.

Practice this in calm
moments too — so the
breath becomes available
automatically under stress.

Why it works: Research
on parental physiological
response to child distress
finds that parents’ own
stress response is triggered
by tantrum behavior —
cortisol rises, heart
rate increases. Deliberate
slow breathing activates
the parasympathetic nervous
system and interrupts
this stress response,
making the calm that
the child needs more
neurologically accessible.

Practice 2 — The Trigger Map
What it is: A brief,
weekly observation practice
that helps parents identify
the specific circumstances
that most reliably trigger
tantrums in their child —
making proactive prevention possible.

How to do it: For one
week, after each tantrum,
note three things:
What time of day did it occur?
What immediately preceded it?
What was the child’s
state beforehand —
tired, hungry, overstimulated?

After one week, look
for patterns. Most
children have consistent
tantrum triggers that
a brief observation
period makes visible.

Use the pattern to
prevent where possible:
protecting the pre-nap
period, ensuring snacks
before shopping trips,
building in transition
warnings before activity changes.

Why it works: Research
on tantrum antecedents
finds that the majority
of toddler tantrums
are preceded by identifiable
triggers — hunger, fatigue,
overstimulation, and
transition demands.
Addressing triggers
proactively reduces
tantrum frequency
more reliably than
any response to
tantrums after they occur.

Practice 3 — The Feelings Word Bank
What it is: A daily
practice of building
your toddler’s emotional
vocabulary — giving
them words for their
experience that reduce
the language gap that
drives tantrum frequency.

How to do it: Throughout
the day, name emotions
as they appear — in
your child, in you,
in characters in books:
“You seem frustrated
that the block won’t stay up.”
“I can see you’re really
excited about going to the park.”
“That character looks sad.
I wonder why.”

Use a wide range of
emotion words — not
just happy, sad, and
angry, but frustrated,
disappointed, excited,
nervous, proud, surprised.

Why it works: Research
on language development
and tantrum frequency
finds that children
with richer emotional
vocabulary show reduced
tantrum frequency —
because language provides
an alternative channel
for emotional expression
that reduces the pressure
on the behavioral channel.
Every new emotion word
is a small reduction
in tantrum potential.

The Bottom Line

Toddler tantrums are not
a parenting failure. They
are a developmental reality —
the visible expression
of a brain that is
rich in emotion and
still building the
regulatory capacity
to manage it.

The research points
to a clear conclusion:
the parent’s calm is
the most powerful
tool available. Not
because calm denies
the difficulty of
the moment — it does not —
but because the regulated
nervous system of a
calm parent is what
the child’s dysregulated
nervous system needs
most to find its
way back to calm.

Stay calm. Stay present.
Wait for the storm to pass.
Offer warmth when it does.

That is the research,
distilled to its essence.

Sources

Potegal, M., & Davidson, R. J.
(2003). Temper tantrums in
young children.
Journal of Developmental
and Behavioral Pediatrics,
24(3), 140–147.

Giesbrecht, G. F., Miller, M. R.,
& Müller, U. (2010).
The anger-distress model
of temper tantrums.
Developmental Science,
13(6), 891–901.

Acredolo, L., & Goodwyn, S.
(1996). Baby Signs.
Contemporary Books.

Zelazo, P. D., & Müller, U.
(2002). Executive function
in typical and atypical development.
In U. Goswami (Ed.),
Handbook of Childhood
Cognitive Development. Blackwell.