What Is Co-Parenting? A Research-Backed Guide for Separated Parents

Co-parenting — the ongoing collaboration
between separated or divorced parents
in raising their shared children — is
one of the most important and most
challenging tasks that follows the
end of a relationship. How well or
poorly separated parents co-parent
together is one of the strongest
predictors of children’s long-term
adjustment to family separation —
more predictive than the separation itself.

This article covers what co-parenting
actually is, what the research shows
about its effects on children, what
the different co-parenting styles look
like, and what the evidence supports
for parents who want to do it well.

What Co-Parenting Is

Co-parenting refers to the coordination
and collaboration between two parents —
whether together or separated — in
raising their children. In the context
of separation and divorce, it describes
the ongoing parenting relationship
between adults who are no longer
in a romantic relationship but who
share the responsibility of raising
their children.

Research by developmental psychologist
James McHale at the University of
South Florida — one of the leading
researchers on co-parenting — defines
it through several core dimensions:

Solidarity — the degree to which
parents support each other’s
parenting, speak positively about
each other to children, and
present a united front on
important parenting decisions.

Undermining — the degree to which
parents criticize, contradict,
or undermine each other’s
parenting in the child’s presence.

Warmth and involvement — the
degree to which both parents
are genuinely engaged in the
child’s life and support the
child’s relationship with
the other parent.

Division of labor — how parenting
responsibilities are divided
and whether this division is
experienced as fair by both parents.

Research consistently finds that
solidarity and warmth predict
positive child outcomes, while
undermining predicts negative ones —
regardless of whether parents
are together or separated.

The Different Co-Parenting Styles

Research on separated families
identifies several distinct
co-parenting patterns:

Cooperative co-parenting.
Parents communicate regularly,
make decisions collaboratively,
support each other’s parenting,
and present children with
a consistent, united approach.
Research consistently finds
this pattern associated with
the best child outcomes.

Parallel parenting. Parents
have minimal direct contact
with each other, make independent
decisions within their own
households, and communicate
primarily through written
channels or intermediaries.
This pattern is associated
with adequate child outcomes —
significantly better than
conflicted co-parenting —
and is the recommended
approach when direct
communication between parents
consistently produces conflict.

Conflicted co-parenting.
Parents are in ongoing,
unresolved conflict —
expressing hostility,
undermining each other
to children, and involving
children in adult disputes.
Research consistently finds
this pattern associated
with the worst child outcomes —
including elevated anxiety,
depression, behavioral
difficulties, and poorer
academic performance.

The research finding that
matters most for parents:
parallel parenting —
minimal contact, independent
households, written communication —
produces significantly better
child outcomes than conflicted
co-parenting. If cooperative
co-parenting is not possible
due to the level of conflict
between parents, parallel
parenting is the evidence-based
alternative.

Why Co-Parenting Quality Matters

Research on children’s adjustment
to parental separation consistently
finds that the quality of the
co-parenting relationship is
one of the strongest predictors
of children’s long-term outcomes —
more predictive than:

Whether the parents separated
or stayed together.

The specific custody arrangement.

The child’s age at the time
of separation.

The financial impact of the separation.

Research by Robert Emery at
the University of Virginia —
one of the most cited researchers
on divorce and children —
finds that children whose
parents maintain a low-conflict,
respectful co-parenting relationship
show adjustment outcomes comparable
to those in intact families —
while children whose parents
maintain high conflict show
significantly worse outcomes
regardless of custody arrangement.

The message for parents is clear:
the most powerful thing you can
do for your child’s adjustment
is to manage your co-parenting
relationship well.

What the Research Shows Helps

Separating the parenting
relationship from the
personal relationship.
Research on effective co-parenting
finds that the most successful
co-parents treat the co-parenting
relationship as a business
partnership — focused on
the child’s needs, conducted
professionally and respectfully,
and entirely separate from
the personal feelings that
remain from the ended relationship.

This is genuinely difficult —
and the research acknowledges it.
The feelings do not have to
go away. They simply cannot
be expressed in the co-parenting
relationship in ways that
affect the children.

Protecting children from conflict.
Research on parental conflict
and child adjustment — including
foundational work by E. Mark
Cummings at Notre Dame —
finds that children are
exquisitely sensitive to
interparental conflict and
that even conflict that does
not directly involve them —
that occurs in their presence
or within earshot — is
associated with elevated
stress, anxiety, and
behavioral difficulties.

The most important co-parenting
rule, supported by the most
consistent body of research:
never fight in front of the children.
Never speak negatively about
the other parent. Never use
children as messengers or
ask them to report on
the other parent’s life.

Supporting the child’s
relationship with the other parent.
Research on children’s adjustment
to divorce consistently finds
that children whose parents
actively support their
relationship with the other parent —
who speak positively about
the other parent, who facilitate
contact, who make transitions
between homes as smooth
as possible — show better
adjustment than those whose
parents undermine the
other parent relationship.

This is perhaps the most
difficult co-parenting practice —
supporting a relationship
with someone you may be
angry with or hurt by.
The research is clear
that it is also one of
the most important things
a parent can do for their child.

Consistency across households.
Research on children’s adjustment
to two-home life finds that
consistency in rules, routines,
and expectations across households
supports better child adjustment
than dramatically different
approaches in each home.
Perfect consistency is not
required — and is rarely
achievable. Basic consistency
in bedtimes, screen time,
homework expectations,
and behavioral limits
reduces the confusion
and the manipulation
opportunities that large
discrepancies create.

When Cooperative Co-Parenting
Is Not Possible

Research on high-conflict
separated families finds
that cooperative co-parenting —
regular communication,
joint decision-making,
flexible arrangements —
is not appropriate in
all situations. Where there
is ongoing domestic violence,
serious safety concerns,
or a level of conflict
that makes all direct
contact harmful to children,
parallel parenting is the
evidence-based alternative.

Parallel parenting involves:
Minimal direct contact
between parents.
Communication through
written channels —
email or co-parenting apps —
rather than in person or by phone.
Independent decision-making
within each household.
Structured, predictable
transition arrangements
that minimize contact.

Research finds that children
in well-implemented parallel
parenting arrangements show
significantly better outcomes
than those in conflicted
co-parenting arrangements —
because the reduction in
conflict exposure is more
beneficial than the reduction
in parental coordination.

Try This This Week

Practice 1 — The Business Email Rule
What it is: A communication
practice that keeps co-parenting
exchanges focused, respectful,
and child-centered — reducing
the conflict that direct
communication can produce.

How to do it: For the next
two weeks, conduct all
co-parenting communication
in writing — email or
a co-parenting app.
Before sending any message,
apply the “business email test”:
would you send this message
to a work colleague?
If the answer is no —
if the message contains
criticism, emotion, or
anything beyond practical
child-related information —
rewrite it before sending.

The focus of every message:
the child’s needs, schedules,
health, and wellbeing.
Nothing else.

Why it works: Research on
co-parenting communication
and child outcomes finds
that the tone and content
of parental communication
significantly affects
child wellbeing. Written
communication reduces
the emotional escalation
that in-person or phone
exchanges can produce.

Practice 2 — The Positive Mention
What it is: A deliberate
daily practice of saying
something positive about
the other parent in
the child’s presence —
building the positive
narrative about both
parents that research
finds protective for children.

How to do it: Once each day,
find one genuine, specific,
positive thing to say
about the other parent
in your child’s hearing:
“Your dad is really good
at helping you with your homework.”
“Your mum always knows
how to make you feel better.”
“I know your dad loves
you so much.”

It does not have to be
dramatic. It has to be genuine
and it has to be consistent.

Why it works: Research by
Joan Kelly on children’s
adjustment to divorce finds
that children who hear
positive things about
both parents from both
parents show significantly
better adjustment than
those who hear criticism
or silence. The positive
mention protects the
child’s relationship
with both parents
and reduces the loyalty
conflict that parental
criticism creates.

The Bottom Line

Co-parenting after separation
is genuinely difficult —
it asks parents to maintain
a respectful, child-focused
relationship with someone
they may be hurt by,
angry with, or in
significant disagreement with.

The research is unambiguous
about why it matters:
how parents co-parent
together is one of the
strongest predictors of
how children adjust to
family separation.

The goal is not a
perfect relationship
between the parents.
It is a relationship
that is good enough
for the children —
one that protects them
from conflict, supports
their relationship with
both parents, and
communicates, through
every interaction,
that their needs
come first.

Sources

McHale, J. P. (2007).
Charting the Bumpy Road
of Coparenthood.
Zero to Three Press.

Emery, R. E. (2004).
The Truth About Children
and Divorce. Viking.

Cummings, E. M., &
Davies, P. T. (2010).
Marital Conflict and
Children. Guilford Press.

Kelly, J. B. (2007).
Children’s living arrangements
following separation and divorce.
Family Process, 46(1), 35–52.