How to Raise a Grateful Child: What the Research Actually Shows

Content:

Gratitude is one of those qualities that parents
universally want for their children — and one of
the most commonly approached in ways that produce
the opposite of what is intended. Requiring children
to say thank you, lecturing them about how lucky
they are, or pointing out how much worse things
could be — these approaches are understandable
and largely ineffective. The research on how
gratitude actually develops in children tells
a more specific and more useful story.

This article covers what gratitude actually is
developmentally, what the research shows builds
it genuinely, and what the daily practices are
that make the biggest difference.

What Gratitude Actually Is

Gratitude is not simply saying thank you.
Research by psychologist Robert Emmons at
the University of California Davis — one
of the leading researchers on gratitude —
describes it as a two-part process: first,
recognizing that one has received something
good; and second, recognizing that the source
of that good thing is at least partly external —
that someone or something outside oneself
contributed to it.

This definition matters practically because
it distinguishes genuine gratitude from
performed gratitude. A child who says
thank you because they are required to
is performing social convention. A child
who genuinely notices that something good
came to them through another person’s
care, effort, or generosity — and who
feels something in response to that
recognition — is experiencing gratitude.

The research on gratitude’s benefits
is directed at the genuine version,
not the performed one.

What the Research Shows About Gratitude

Gratitude is associated with significant
wellbeing benefits. Research by Emmons
and Michael McCullough at the University
of Miami finds that people who regularly
practice gratitude — who deliberately
notice and reflect on what they are
grateful for — show higher levels of
positive emotion, better sleep, more
compassion toward others, and better
physical health than those who do not.

Research specifically on children and
gratitude by Jeffrey Froh at Hofstra
University finds similar patterns:
children who practice gratitude show
higher life satisfaction, more positive
emotion, greater prosocial behavior,
and stronger social relationships
than those who do not.

Gratitude develops gradually across
childhood. Research by Froh and
colleagues on the development of
gratitude in children finds that
genuine gratitude — as opposed to
socially performed thank-you behavior —
develops gradually across childhood
and is not reliably present before
approximately age seven or eight,
when children develop sufficient
cognitive capacity to understand
the perspective of the giver,
the cost or effort involved in
giving, and the intentionality
behind a kind act.

This developmental finding is
important: expecting genuine
gratitude from a four-year-old
is expecting something that is
not yet fully cognitively available.
What is available — and worth
cultivating — is the habit of
noticing good things and
acknowledging them, which
prepares the ground for
genuine gratitude as the
cognitive capacity develops.

Gratitude can be cultivated
through specific practices.
Research on gratitude interventions
finds that deliberate practices —
particularly gratitude journaling
and gratitude conversations —
produce genuine increases in
grateful thinking and associated
wellbeing benefits. These practices
work because they train attention:
people who deliberately look for
what is good become more consistently
aware of it.

What the Research Shows Builds
Genuine Gratitude

Modeling gratitude explicitly.
Research on children’s gratitude
development consistently identifies
parental modeling as the most
powerful influence. A parent who
notices and names their own
gratitude — “I’m really grateful
that we got to spend that time
together today,” “I feel so
lucky to have friends who show
up like that” — is demonstrating
what grateful attention looks
like in practice.

This is different from performing
gratitude for the child’s benefit.
It is the parent’s own genuine
grateful attention, expressed
authentically in the child’s presence.

Gratitude conversations at regular
intervals. Research on gratitude
practices in families finds that
regular, low-pressure gratitude
conversations — at dinner, at
bedtime, on car journeys —
build the habit of grateful
attention over time.

The most effective format is
simple and specific: each person
shares one thing they are
grateful for from the day,
with enough specificity to
make the gratitude real rather
than formulaic. Not “I’m
grateful for my family” every day —
but “I’m grateful that you helped
me when I was stuck on that
problem this morning.”

Helping children notice the
effort behind good things.
Research on gratitude and
perspective-taking finds that
genuine gratitude requires
recognizing that the good
thing you received came through
someone else’s effort, care,
or sacrifice. Helping children
see this — “do you know how
long Grandma spent making
that for you?” “the farmer
who grew these vegetables
worked really hard in all
kinds of weather” — builds
the perspective-taking that
genuine gratitude requires.

Creating experiences of
genuine contribution. Research
on gratitude and prosocial
behavior finds a bidirectional
relationship: gratitude promotes
prosocial behavior, and the
experience of genuinely helping
others promotes gratitude —
because it gives children
direct experience of both
giving and receiving, which
deepens their understanding
of what generosity actually costs.

Children who volunteer, who
help family members, who
contribute to something beyond
themselves develop a more
grounded gratitude than those
whose experience is primarily
of receiving.

Limiting the reflexive accumulation
of things. Research on materialism
and gratitude finds an inverse
relationship: children who
are surrounded by an abundance
of possessions — who receive
new things frequently and
without particular occasion —
develop less capacity for
gratitude than those for whom
good things are more clearly
special and earned.

This is not an argument for
deprivation. It is an observation
that when everything is available
all the time, nothing is
particularly noticed or appreciated.

What Does Not Build Genuine Gratitude

Requiring thank-you performance
without substance. Requiring
children to say thank you as
a social script — without
any accompanying attention
to what they are thankful for
or why — produces the performance
of gratitude rather than the
experience of it. Research on
forced gratitude expression
finds minimal effect on actual
grateful thinking.

This does not mean abandoning
thank-you expectations. It means
accompanying them with the
substance: “When you say thank you,
try to say what specifically
you appreciated — that makes
it real.”

Lecturing about how lucky
they are. “Do you know how
lucky you are?” delivered
in a tone of reproach is
not a gratitude practice.
Research on shame and gratitude
finds that shame-based approaches —
making children feel bad about
insufficient gratitude — produce
defensiveness rather than grateful
attention.

Gratitude grows through positive
experience of noticing good things,
not through being made to feel
guilty for not noticing them.

Gratitude journaling that becomes
formulaic. Research on gratitude
journaling effectiveness finds
that frequency matters less than
depth — three specific, genuinely
noticed gratitudes per week are
more effective than seven generic
ones. When journaling becomes
a rote exercise — filling in
the same things every day without
real attention — it loses its effect.

What This Looks Like by Age

Ages 3-6: Focus on noticing
good things together — “look
at that beautiful sunset,”
“wasn’t it kind of your friend
to share that with you?” —
rather than on formal gratitude
practices. Build the habit of
paying attention to good things.

Ages 6-10: Introduce simple
gratitude practices — a dinner
conversation, a bedtime reflection.
Help children see the effort
behind good things. Begin
involving them in giving to others.

Ages 10+: More explicit
gratitude practices — journaling,
gratitude letters, honest
conversations about what matters.
Connect gratitude to values
and to the experience of
genuinely contributing.

The Bottom Line

Genuine gratitude is not
produced by requiring
its performance. It grows
through consistent, gentle
attention to what is good —
modeled by parents who
genuinely practice it
themselves, cultivated
through regular low-pressure
conversation, and deepened
through the experience of
both receiving and giving.

It is one of the qualities
most strongly associated
with human flourishing
across the lifespan.
And it is available to
every family willing to
pay attention to what is
already good.

Sources

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E.
(2003). Counting blessings versus
burdens. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 84(2),
377–389.

Froh, J. J., Sefick, W. J., &
Emmons, R. A. (2008). Counting
blessings in early adolescents.
Journal of School Psychology,
46(2), 213–233.

Layous, K., & Lyubomirsky, S.
(2014). The how, why, what,
when, and who of happiness.
In J. Gruber & J. Moscowitz (Eds.),
Positive Emotion. Oxford
University Press.

Froh, J. J., Bono, G., &
Emmons, R. A. (2010).
Being grateful is beyond
good manners. Motivation
and Emotion, 34(2), 144–157.