Sibling Jealousy Between Older Children: What the Research Says

Most parenting conversations about sibling jealousy
focus on the arrival of a new baby — the toddler
who acts out when a newborn comes home, the
preschooler who regresses when a sibling is born.
These are real and well-documented experiences.

But sibling jealousy does not end when children
outgrow the toddler years. Research on sibling
relationships across childhood finds that jealousy,
rivalry, and competition between older siblings —
school-age children and adolescents — is both
common and significantly underaddressed in
parenting guidance.

This article covers what sibling jealousy looks
like between older children, what drives it,
and what the research shows actually helps.

What Sibling Jealousy Is — and Is Not

Sibling jealousy is different from sibling
conflict. Conflict — two children arguing
over a toy, a dispute about fairness, a
disagreement that escalates into a fight —
is about specific situations and specific
outcomes. Jealousy is about something deeper:
the fear that a sibling is more loved, more
valued, or more favored by the parent.

Research by developmental psychologist
Gene Brody at the University of Georgia
on parental differential treatment —
the degree to which parents treat
siblings differently — finds that
perceived differences in parental
treatment predict sibling relationship
quality more strongly than almost any
other variable. Children who feel they
are treated less favorably than their
siblings — even when the difference
is objectively small — show higher
levels of anxiety, lower self-esteem,
and more conflictual sibling relationships.

The key word is perceived. Sibling
jealousy is substantially driven by
what children believe about how they
are loved relative to their sibling —
not necessarily by objective differences
in treatment.

How Sibling Jealousy Shows Up in Older Children

Between younger siblings, jealousy is
often visible and direct — a child hits
the baby, cries when the parent holds
the baby, or explicitly says “you love
them more.” In older children the
expression is typically more indirect
and more difficult to recognize:

Persistent comparison and scorekeeping.
An older child who constantly monitors
whether their sibling received the same
privileges, the same amount of time,
the same consequences — and who protests
loudly when any difference is perceived —
is often expressing jealousy through
the language of fairness.

Undermining or disparaging the sibling.
A child who consistently puts down their
sibling’s achievements, minimizes their
sibling’s difficulties, or takes obvious
pleasure in their sibling’s failures
may be managing jealousy through
comparison and devaluation.

Competition for parental attention.
Children who consistently interrupt
when a parent is engaged with a sibling,
who create crises or dramas that require
parental attention when the parent is
focused elsewhere, or who need
something urgent every time a parent
sits down with another child may be
responding to jealousy about parental
availability.

Withdrawal from the family. Some older
children respond to jealousy by
withdrawing — spending more time
in their room, becoming less engaged
in family life, appearing uninterested
in a family system that feels
unfavorable to them.

Acting younger than their age.
Regression — behavior that is
characteristic of an earlier
developmental stage — is a common
response to jealousy in younger
children and can also appear in
older children, particularly during
periods of significant family stress
or change.

What Drives Sibling Jealousy in Older Children

Different developmental needs require
different parental responses. Research
on parental differential treatment
finds that parents inevitably treat
children differently — because different
ages, different temperaments, and
different circumstances genuinely
require different responses. A sick
child needs more attention. A younger
child needs more help. A child going
through a difficult period needs
more support.

The challenge is that older children
— particularly school-age children
and adolescents who have developed
sophisticated social comparison
capacities — may perceive these
legitimate differences as evidence
of favoritism, even when they are
not. The cognitive capacity to compare
develops faster than the emotional
capacity to contextualize difference.

Temperament differences. Research on
sibling relationships finds that
temperamentally very different siblings —
one easy-going, one intense; one
socially confident, one anxious —
are at higher risk for jealousy
dynamics, because the parent naturally
responds differently to the different
temperaments, and those differences
are visible to the children.

Sibling deidentification. Research
by Susan Whiteman at Penn State
on sibling deidentification — the
process by which siblings actively
differentiate their identities from
each other — finds that siblings
who are very close in age or who
share similar interests are
particularly likely to experience
jealousy around shared domains.
Two siblings who both love sport,
art, or academic achievement are
more likely to experience each
other’s success as a direct
reflection on themselves.

What the Research Shows Helps

Explicit, specific, individual
affirmation. Research on sibling
jealousy and parental response
consistently finds that the most
effective response to jealousy
is not addressing the comparison
but addressing the underlying
question: am I loved enough?
Do I matter as much?

Explicit, specific, individual
statements of love and value —
not comparative (“I love you
both the same”) but specific
(“I love you, and here is
something particular about
you that I noticed and value
today”) — address this question
more directly and more effectively
than any other response.

Regular one-on-one time. Research
on parental one-on-one time and
sibling jealousy finds that children
who have regular, predictable
individual time with each parent —
time that belongs to them and
is not shared with a sibling —
show significantly less jealousy
than those who do not. The time
does not need to be long. It
needs to be consistent and
genuinely individual.

Explaining differences honestly.
Research on children’s responses
to parental differential treatment
finds that children who are given
honest, warm explanations for
differences in treatment show
better adjustment than those
for whom differences are
unexplained. “I’m spending more
time with your brother right now
because he’s going through
something difficult. That doesn’t
mean I love you less — it means
he needs more support right now,
just like you did when you
were going through your
difficult time last year.”

Not dismissing the jealousy.
Research on emotional validation
and sibling relationships finds
that acknowledging a child’s
jealous feelings — without
shame and without immediately
reassuring them away — produces
better outcomes than dismissal.
“I understand that it feels unfair
that your sister got to stay up
later. That feeling makes sense.
Let me tell you why the decisions
were different.”

Building the sibling relationship
directly. Research by Laurie Kramer
at the University of Illinois on
sibling relationship quality finds
that children who have positive
shared experiences with their
sibling — activities they enjoy
together, moments of genuine
connection — show less jealousy
over time than those whose
relationship is predominantly
conflictual. Parents who actively
facilitate positive sibling
experiences are building the
relationship that reduces jealousy
at its source.

When to Be More Concerned

Sibling jealousy that includes
deliberate attempts to harm the
sibling — physically, socially,
or emotionally — warrants
direct intervention rather than
simply validation and explanation.

Sibling jealousy that appears
to be significantly affecting
a child’s self-esteem, mood,
or daily functioning over
an extended period warrants
a conversation with your
pediatrician or a family therapist.

The Bottom Line

Sibling jealousy between older
children is normal, common,
and often invisible to parents
who are not looking for it
in its less obvious forms.

The child who constantly tallies
whether they received exactly
the same as their sibling, who
undermines their sibling’s
achievements, who always needs
something at exactly the moment
the parent is engaged elsewhere —
that child is often asking the
same question the toddler asks
more directly: do you love me
as much?

The answer — given specifically,
genuinely, and repeatedly —
is the most powerful response
available.

Sources

Brody, G. H. (1998). Sibling
relationship quality: Its causes
and consequences. Annual Review
of Psychology, 49, 1–24.

Whiteman, S. D., McHale, S. M., &
Crouter, A. C. (2007). Competing
processes of sibling influence.
Social Development, 16(4), 642–661.

Kramer, L. (2010). The essential
ingredients of successful sibling
relationships. Child Development
Perspectives, 4(2), 80–86.

Dunn, J. (1983). Sibling relationships
in early childhood. Child Development,
54(4), 787–811.